I cried today

I cried today.

I haven't cried in forever. Forever. But I cried today. Sobbed. Those good old body shaking ugly sobs that leave you stuffed up and unable to breathe.

I don't feel better.

Today marks 9 days shy of 9 months since this hell started. Nine months. 36 weeks. 252 days.

Of feeling like I might not wake up in the morning. Of pain. Uncontrable shaking. Stiff muscles. No energy. And feeling like I did 50 push ups after just 30 seconds of brushing my teeth.

What is this?

What is this demon? Take it away, Jesus.

I've lost count of the doctors. Er visits. Blood tests. CT Scans. Exrays...

I was okay for awhile. I stayed positive. I mean, it wasn't that big a deal.

It started as a very rare complication of a common complication of a very common bacterial infection.

But after the initial Er visit and tests, the original problem went away... But the complications kept coming. Doctors no longer think it's related, but the rare complication is so unknown and unstudied it's anyone's guess. The last doctor I saw said she's only seen one case in all her years of being a doctor...even the internet isn't helpful.

But I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder if this is actually something serious. Something from traveling or who knows. When your immune system is down you're fair game for evil.

It's so strange. After 24 solid years of healthy life, to want to sleep all day from exhaustion. To think that just a year ago I was climbing volcanos, and now it's exhausting to climb the stairs to my apartment.

And today I was just frustrated. Trying to nail ten nails with a nail gun and having to rest my arms after 3. Willing my body not to hurt because I can't just stop life. I can't stop living and working, that will do nothing but depress me. But the pain came and exhaustion came and I got home and laid on the couch and willed myself to do something, anything...

December 31, 2016. I walked on my favorite beach in Guatemala and I prayed and I asked God, what is one word that will describe the year 2017. He clear as day said "strength." I'm going to need a lot of his strength. At the time I was a little scared. That can't be good. And it hasn't been. Even though the year itself has been pretty darn fantastic, my strength is gone and anger is taking its place.

A friend told me anger doesn't help, but how can you not be angry at something that makes you angry?

There's so much more to say but, goodnight world. It's past my bedtime and late nights usually don't end up well.

I forgot how good it felt.

It came back. I never wanted it to come back.

I need it though, so I am thankful for its presence.

Last time. Its always the last time. But the pain is so so beautiful. Like a old friend that had been gone too long.

But the pain it took away wasn't so welcome.

I forgot but I remembered. Why leaving needs to be forever.

I always forget. I can't forget anymore.

Maybe it will remind me.

Deep Blessings

Im sitting on a bench in Honduras. Gracias, Honduras. The name means thanks, and I am thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be the only tourist in a town in a county that is said to be the most dangerous non-war country, and yet out of everywhere I've been, the people smile the brightest. Every child waves and with a huge smile says, "bye-bye!" They give the warmest welcome, and I feel so FULL. Why can't everyone be so loving? These people give me something to strive for.

In just eight short days, this journey will be over, and I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God and people. The world is full of opportunities, and the Lord has blessed me with one after another. I think He loves to show us his beautiful creation, and he loves to show us his love.

My whole life, I've been so blessed. I was blessed into a loving family that works hard, plays hard, and prays hard. A family that loves to adventure. I was blessed with siblings and friends. I was blessed to be born into a family of teachers and then homeschooled to learn at my own pace instead of forced to conform.

Why was I so lucky? My parents are my biggest fans - they're the reason I travel the world. They are the reason I love and know love. They were the reason I know what I want to do, the reason I love people so much. They are the reason I was a camp counselor so many years, the reason I taught in 4-H, the reason I went out of my comfort zone to give speeches and share my passion, the reason I capture moments through pictures and words, the reason that I choose to show love, to let little things go, to encourage people to follow their dreams like I am priveledged to do.

I am a teacher because I have the ability to shape a life like mine has been shaped. One kind word. One kind gesture changes so much - how much more can I impact students in a school year?

I want people to see the world with the same wonder and excitement that I do. I want them to love to discover and know they are special.

I want to make a difference...I wonder if I've made a difference.

Did teaching in Colombia make a difference? Did those kids in drug rehab grow up to be successful? Do they remember me as fondly as I remember them?

Did playing with the five year old orphans in Costa Rica fill them with love and joy for more than the moment? A friend from Honduras told me once a volunteer from Canada gave him a piggy-back ride when he was a kid and it made him so happy...I think of the millions of piggy back rides I've given and ask God, "Please let that show them they are loved."

Did I make a difference tying kids shoes in Guatemala? Teaching them to count? Writing their name? When I chose the little four-year-old girl as the top horse rider and she grabbed my face in her pudgy little hands and asked, "why me?" Did that impact her like it did me?

I don't know that we can ever know, but we can do our best. I feel so unworthy of this life - so I'm going to make the best of it. I know how people have helped me, loved me, encouraged me. The best I can do is try to do the same.

I can only pray that the Lord uses me to bless others the way I have been blessed.

This is a beautiful life.

Blah.

Why is it so hot out.

I should be working, but when outside, I can only sit. Any movement causes sweat. And my head hurts. I feel like I need to be making money, but I'm soo unmotivated... I have stuff to do inside, right? Why is my brain not working...

July 23rd. I came alive again. How long have I been numb? Hurting? How long have I ignored the night sky, wishing I could want it, to be with it, to just sit and watch it. But it hurt too much.

And suddenly, we were friends again.

And suddenly, it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.

And suddenly, I want to lay on the road again and just watch the world go by.

I feel like I've opened my eyes again; all the colors are magic and bright again.

I never want this feeling to go away.

I never want to say goodbye to this boy again.

Jesus, please. I can't do life without him. I don't want to...

I sit here on the swing, sweating despite no movement. Watching the world, wondering what is life.

My heart is happy. I think of him and get butterflies. I'm a little scared. Of loosing him again. It's like, when we were apart and I thought of never being with him again. Panic. 

Now it's okay again, but if I think of him not in my life...panic.

For what? I want to serve you Jesus, but I suck at it. I suck at hearing your voice. At desiring you. 

I know all the rules. I know you do miracles and you are good. 

I know it, but I don't know if I really believe it.

All your people are bad, God. Really bad. So much worse than most of the unbelievers.

You know nothing about existence makes ense, right?

I'm a doubter. I'm angry. I question. I still believe. I hate dogs.

Why did you create dogs? They're obnoxious.

My heart can't do it. It can't say no. I have no desire to, except the desire that wants to travel the world. But even that pulls me further from God.

I felt closest to God, when I was close to the boy.

Everything is a mess, but it's not really. It doesn't really matter. Or does it.

Stop thinking. It's too hot to think.

Stuck.

It's been forever. 

I'm in a coffee shop again, stuck in the corner because all of the good seats are taken. But it's cozy here.

I'm sipping a hot chai latte, listening to chill coffee house music, and searching for motivation to open my Bible.  My Nuevo Testamento is sitting next to me - Spanish. Learn Spanish, learn about Jesus. 

It's raining. I was going to sleep in this morning, but a Thunderstorm woke me up. Who wants to sleep in anyway. It's too beautiful in the morning to spend it with your eyes closed.

Christina Grimme was killed Friday. This world is so cruel. So, so cruel. I've spent the last few days with such a heavy heart. It was heavy before, but that just added to it. So much beauty, love, talent, taken by one crazy man. What is life. What is this world.

And of course. Death makes me think so deeply. About life, it's meaning, and how fleeting it is. 

Life is too short to not be with people you love. Life is too short to not be adults, to forgive, to work through it. What really matters? Does shit of the past matter? It does, but why? When we could die today, why does it matter? 

Forgive. Move on. Be with those you love. Life is too short to live it in pain, missing people.

...but here I am. Living in pain, and missing people. Questioning God and questioning everything I know and everything I have ever known.

There is even a cloud over my thoughts of, "but life is still good." Is it? Is it really?

I've been struggling with who I am. Struggling with the high probability that I am never going to do anything good for anyone. Never going to change the world.

Here I am, God, use me.

But I've been praying that forever. And I'm still here, doing nothing for anyone but myself.  It kills me. Is it lack of idea? Complacency? Why is God not using me? And if He somehow is, why can't I see it?

Christina was just a girl. 22. Just a little younger than I am. Her life is done now. She's with Jesus, and I'm still breathing. She impacted a lot of people. So many. Her humility, her love for Christ, her joy and laughter.

What do I do? Milk cows? Ride horses? Drink every so often and dance and travel the world? But why? My insecurities and my doubts get in the way.  I trust Jesus with my whole heart, but I can't really believe him fully, because if I did, wouldn't I be telling everyone, warning them about hell? But I can't. I can't do it. Because I can't understand it, and even though I believe it, I can't accept it.

My chai latte is almost gone. I hate when my chai latte is almost gone...

When I was younger, I was so sure I was going to change the world. Even some of my friends seem to be going and doing and getting opportunities to do things great for the Lord.

I travel the world, and I'm still doing nothing for anyone. It's such a pitiful, selfish feeling, and I hate it. What am I doing wrong...? 

Deseable, Acoustico

It's amazing, worshiping Jesus looks the same in every language. It's such a beautiful thing, something that you can't even imagine unless you're blessed with the opportunity.

And right now, my heart longs for that so much. I'm so deeply missing my beloved friends in Panama and Costa Rica, I miss worshiping with them, so purely, without the lies that somehow have become the norm in the United States.

I'm missing on fire. I'm tired of lukewarm Christianity...

Oh America, how I love you, but how you hurt my heart. 

So split....Oh dear Jesus, hold this tender heart of mine.

Heart Talk

It's strange to go on dates with unknown boys when my heart is still so in love with one.

I have no desire to meet new guys; my heart is stuck on one, and without that one, I am content in my singleness.

But a part of me feels like maybe, just maybe at some point, one of these strangers will take the pain away. Maybe they'll make me forget the love, forget the hurt. They are a distraction, nothing more. A distraction that almost seems to make the pain worse, reminding me that as great as they may be, they are not him.

But I can not have him. My heart and mind fight within me - 

"I don't want to do life without him, I can't..." (Heart cries a river)

"You have to, girl, you know the rules...you know it'll be better this way, somehow..." 

"I'm never going to love someone like that again, or be loved like that...love like that doesn't just...happen..."

"Peobably true, but too bad. Too stinking bad, dear heart, it is what it is, and he is not yours, and until Jesus tells him yes and leads him to you again, you won't be his..." 

*heart dies*

It's such a beautiful story that seems slightly dark and twisted. Mutual love with a chasm between. But there is peace in knowing God keeps his promises. God is faithful, and all of life is for our good and his glory...even if we don't see it right now. He's never failed. He's never broken his promise to me, or to anyone. 

Time changes things; in two years everything will be different. Maybe, just maybe the undying hope has reason.