I will follow Jesus all my days, even if that means he holds my hand and drags me behind him...

I saw this comment on a friend's blog, and had to laugh a little.

It's so true.

I'm committed to Jesus. I'm committed to following him, loving him, serving him, sharing his love with the world...and running from him. Spitting in his face. Kicking him. Screaming at him. Crying because of things he asks me to do.

I am a rebel. I run from good. I run to bad. I choose things that I know will hurt me, over, and over, and over, and over and over and over.

I was placed on this earth, not by choice. I did not choose to be born, but I can choose how to live.

It is my choice to run to my Savior, or to run away from him. Most days, I choose to run away. Those days are almost always miserable. Then the other days, I run to his open arms, feel his undeniable forgiveness, cry because of what a wretched soul I am...and cry because of the grace he pours out on me.

I will follow Jesus all my days, but he may be dragging me. Most days, I beg Jesus not to let me go. Some days, I scream at him to get out of my life. It's too hard. Following Jesus where so few people go...it's hard. It's painful. It's different. But true to his promise, he never let's me go.

Following Jesus, trusting his promises, it is hard. But it is the only thing that is fulfilling. The only time that I am truly filled is when I empty myself of my desires and fill myself with His. Running to the world, I have never never been filled by living for myself. I can easily force my way into a night of pleasure...but it never leads to a life of joy. I have never felt peace after a night drinking. I have never felt contentment after joking at someone else's expense. At most, I feel nothing. I don't think about it. I push away anything that might become regret.

But have I ever regretted a night studying God's word? Have I ever regretted discussing ways to serve God and serve people? Have I ever regretted a single moment spent in prayer? Have I ever regretted a Sunday in church singing God's praise? Have I ever regretted going out of my way to show God's love to someone, or to pray for them and expect a miracle? No. I can't say that I have.

No, this life I don't understand. I don't understand why God created us. I don't know why he gave us the ability to choose to sin and run from him. I don't know why he doesn't always answer every prayer. I don't know why I still feel empty. I don't understand why there is so much pain and suffering. I don't know why at times God seems sick and twisted and everything is just a disgusting joke and we are just players in a game already decided. I don't know much of anything...

But I know that He is good. I know that He is love. I know that Jesus changes lives. I know that I cannot deny that I am a wretched soul and He is the only one who sets me free and shows me grace, over and over and over.

And I know that he will never let me go, because he promised that he never would. I believe him when he says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you."  (Duet 31:6) 

I am committed to Jesus, and I will follow him all my days, even if that means that he is holding on to my hand for dear life, dragging me behind. Being dragged through grace by Jesus is 100 times better than willingly walking alone through this dark world.

Snow and Contentment

I seriously, really truly, super duper, deeply love snow. For the first 20 years of my life I was pretty sure everyone hates it. Then I started preaching love and all the beauty and goodness of the white flakes. Now, I feel like it's not so hated, except when it is being shoveled and sliding cars off the road or into other cars...like in my case this morning when I slid straight towards another car, stopping just short of the driver's side door. People are starting to see the beauty, but, it's slick out there. Snow is not made for driving in. It's made for the slow days; made to enjoy. To play in, roll in, or throw around, or to watch while sitting inside by a fireplace, curled up in a big fuzzy blanket with a steaming mug of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and whipped cream. I have yet to do that, though every time It snows that item on my bucket list moves one number closer to being on top. It's going to happen. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I just need to find a fireplace.

Right now, I am halfway to that cozy dream. I'm sitting in the bookstore, wintry music playing softly, a mini Christmas tree on the table in front of me with mini white bulb ornaments. And the white, wintry, blustery mix outside makes me glad that I am not sitting in the woods hunting, currently.

Winter relaxes me. I don't know if it is just me, but aside from the tense moments driving 40 miles an hour and worrying about sliding off the road at any second, I am so much more content and relaxed in winter. The snow and crisp cold, knowing I have a heated house and warm blankets...I feel so blessed. I could be stuck out there under a bridge with a thin plastic tarp covering me. 

I shiver at that thought. I am blessed, yet other's are not. Am I a terrible person for not lending them my bed? For not inviting them into my house? I don't often see homeless souls. I guess they are all at the Salvation Army, right?

Still, the thought hurts me. 

Christmas is coming. One month from today is Christmas eve. Thousands of selfish American's will be receiving gifts, and thousands of normal American's will be giving those gifts, and a handful of selfless souls will be giving everything they have to help those who can neither give nor receive.

I feel stagnant. Lately, as though I really can not make a difference. Just like everyone who chooses not to do anything, I want to, but don't know where to start.

I wish I was creative and could come up with a billion dollar idea to change the world. They say God does that through people, but I am still waiting. All of the good intentions in the world still won't change it. Actions change things. But in order to have action, you must have ideas. 

Love > Intentions > Ideas > Action > Change.

I have the first two down. And now I'm stuck. I don't think action or change would be a problem for me if I had any kind of ideas how to do something.

Maybe I am thinking too big. Maybe change starts little. Maybe intentions and love is enough. Love manifested looks like...what exactly? Giving? Sharing? Caring?

We know that words are not enough. Actions are the only thing that mean anything. Actions speak louder than words, and words become nothing if your actions are silent. Or if your actions say something different. I say I love, I say I care, I say I want to change the world, yet I spend my money on selfish gain and spend my time on personal pleasures.

I wish that selfish was a feasible way to live. I so wish that I could spend money and time on myself and change the world. Maybe that is where it starts, though? But not with earthly things though...with love. You must be full to pour out.

Okay, I am randomly ranting and saying nothing, but putting my thoughts into words helps some deep part of my soul to be a little more content. One ranting blog post a week that no one will ever read, and I shall be golden.

Snow, snow, snow. Snow provokes so many random thoughts in my mind.

In summer, I am too busy being busy to think. 

Contentment is never truly complete, is it?

Is contentment in a choice here and now, no matter what -

1 Timothy 6:6-8 ESV
Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.


Philippians 4:11-13 ESV 

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.


 Or is that simply for earthly THINGS, and we can not be content if we are not where God wants? Or not doing what God wants? If we are not giving everything of ourselves that God wants us to give? How do we know? God, I hate life

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was, "life is impossible. It is impossible for us to exist, yet we do."

Snow is impossible. Feeling is impossible. Everything is impossible, yet we are. 

Life is not our choice, either. We are victims of circumstance. We believe, more or less, what we have been taught. We obey something, someone; and we rebel against something and someone. We all live for something or someone, and are all willing to die for one reason or another, but for everyone, the something and someone is different.

Does that make us wrong or right? We believe truth, or do we believe lies?

Either way, I trust, because God is sovereign and God is faithful. But I am never fully happy for more than a week or two. Yes, snow makes me happy. The woods make me happy. Beautiful people and children and hot chocolate makes me happy. But the happiness fades and I am discontent and restless and angry and frustrated. 

They tell me to let go and enjoy the times. Enjoy the snow, enjoy the beauty. I try, but my soul longs for more, and I am trying to quiet it. Because I just want to be normal. I want to be normal. I want to be normal. I don't want to be radical. I don't want this desire. I don't want to believe what I believe so strongly. I want to let it go...but it's not my choice, is it? 

But is there a different between "normal" and "content"? Can I be radical, be different, live the life my soul desires, and still be content where I am? Can I live my un-normal life anywhere, at any time, in any situation?
If Paul was radical and content in prison...I should be able to handle my blessed life, yes?

I have  preached my whole entire life how much I hate tattoos. How I will never ever get a tattoo. How I think there is nothing wrong with them and if you want them that is awesome for you, but that I think that they are ugly and if someone has them they are 90% less attractive right away. True story.

So you understand my confusion at myself, when I found this:

And somehow that overly complicated mind of mine decided that Jesus the Savior in Greek is the most beautiful written thing I have ever seen in my life and pretty quickly decided that I want it on my skin. I actually have been entertaining the thought of getting Jesus the Savior inked onto my foot. 

I am going insane.

But really, look at that. It's beautiful, isn't it? And what better words to have on my skin than Jesus the Savior? Is there any better way to start conversations?

I'm giving it three months. If I still want it when I return from Colombia, I will consider it. Maybe. I feel crazy. Really. But I like to tell people that nothing surprises me anymore. Not even myself?

An Interview With Myself...About Snow.

What makes you happy?

Snow. Snow makes me happy.

Why does snow make you happy?

Because it's pure. It's pure and silent and beautiful. And it's soft. It's gentle. It doesn't give up, and it's fun loving...And, it doesn't care if everyone hates it, it still does what it was created to do.

What was it created to do?

Be beautiful. To teach us to slow down, to appreciate good, and even to help us let loose and have a little fun. And, to teach us patience when it covers our cars.

And how is this good?

Can you imagine what would happen if people were like snow?

What would happen?

Well, first of all, everyone would be different. People wouldn't try to be like everyone else. They would realize that they are created pure, different, and unique, and beautiful. Yet, they would stick together with everyone. They would help each other build a fortress. No favorites, no judging, they would just go where the maker blew them, not a care in the world, but simply trust. And when they were pushed around, trampled, peed on, and hated by everyone' words, they wouldn't give up. They would keep doing what they were made to do. There is a problem, though, too.

What is that?

Once they are dirty, snow on the ground stays dirty. But, it doesn't have to stay dirty forever, you know.

What do you mean?

Snow becomes beautiful again, and like snow, people can be made beautiful again, too. But they don't realize it, and they have to let go first. See, people are trampled. People are abused, hated, pushed around, stepped down, and people talk bad about other people. People get dirty. They get broken. Just like snow...but so many people get pushed down, and they never get back up, because of fear. But, like snow, people can be cleansed and be made pure and white and beautiful again.

Explain?

Pretend I am a snowflake. I am created in the clouds and start to float down to this earth, enjoying the view of all the lights and cars from above. I slowly, gently, fall down, down. For a moment, I decide that I want to go to Hawaii, but, my maker advises against it and recommends I go to Wisconsin. Even though I don't understand why I can't go to Hawaii, I trust His wisdom, and I obey. I let myself be blown by the wind across the states down to Wisconsin. As I reach my destination, I hear voices, and feel fear. I realize that people hate me. I want to go back, to simply be rain and fall over Hawaii, or even to wait for a better time to go to Wisconsin, but I have a purpose. My maker whispers that everything will be okay, to just trust him, and so I continue to fall. I land in a yard, and almost immediately, A child comes running through the snow and steps on me. But, he is happy. The child is happy. Does he realize how much it hurts to be stepped on? 

...Probably not. Continue?

The next moment, the child scoops up his footprint and packs me together with a billion other snowflakes and throws me. I hit a window. I am bruised, but I fall back to the ground to rest for a short time. But the pain isn't over...

Uh oh...

A dog pees on me. A stupid, ugly, little fuzzy dog wearing a jacket. My maker reminds me that he created dogs, too, but I can't help but resent the fact that I am now yellow.

....I am choking back laughter.

Glad I am making my point! 

So how do you become beautiful again? You are now stepped on, thrown around, talked bad about, and yellow...

...He calls me back. My maker calls me back, and even though the journey is long, and slow, and hard; I have to stay dirty for a time, to fight to keep trusting, it is slowly getting warm around me. I try to fight, because even being yellow is better than not existing. But he calls me and I run to him. It is painful, melting, and becoming nothing to fly back to the clouds. But it is there that I am cleaned, and even though it is not time to be rain; not yet time to be loved and wanted for to make crops grow, I become a snowflake again. I will be hated and become dirty again, but for a time, as I float from the clouds to my destination, I am beautiful, I am whole. I am pure.

That is beautiful, and I haven't really ever thought of it like that before. But, how are people anything like snow?

People are created unique, like a snowflake. They are born, they are loved, and they are called to a purpose. So many people fight it - they go to Hawaii when they're called to Wisconsin, and they think they live the good life, but, they don't realize that they are slowly dying. Some people, like snowflakes, go where they are called. They decide to follow the master, but they are hated. People talk bad about them, they try to make them stop and go away. They don't want people to realize their worth, because they feel guilty. I bet those Hawaiian snowflakes-turned-raindrops wish they could be beautiful -- but really, they don't. Because they don't know any different. But anyway...These snowflakes who go where they're called, they're made fun of. They're pushed around, they're stepped on. But they don't give up. They are beaten and bruised, and sometimes, they make a bad choice and get hit by a car, (which could be any bad choice that results in pain)...and in the end, people are broken, and dirty. The master calls them back....but they are afraid. They don't want to go through pain, they don't want to melt, so they choose to stay yellow, and stay frozen. They don't realize that it is only with full surrender and obedience that their dirty, brokenness can become beautiful again.

 

Coffee Sojourn

Write what you feel. Write what is going on in your life. Let the words flow through your fingers like water through a garden hose on a hot summer day. Let the floodgates burst forth like the blizzard. It starts with one single snowflake; this heart flow will start with one single word.

Coffee. Coffee is the base for every good writing session. For every time when words flow freely; it begins with coffee. The best way to provoke imagination and creativity, and to let the emotions come forth without stopping. Coffee.

So many good memories associated with coffee, and I wish that I could go back and relive any of them. Any one memory that involves coffee, because they are all good. Coffee with friends, coffee while relaxing, coffee while blogging in a foreign country. 

Nothing negative. And everything feels negative right now. I am broken, and becoming complacent. Not necessarily satisfied with the current situation, but not caring enough to change it. I am on the verge of being numb. Watching cars go by, yet not noticing any one of them. Aware o people around me talking and sipping their coffee and messing with their phones, yet I still stare blankly out the window. 

What is life but a place made of nothing that can't really exist? And yet it does, and we do. It is a beautiful, beautiful place. Badly broken, yet thoroughly beautiful. Thoroughly: an adjective. Meaning exhaustively complete, painstakingly accurate or careful, absolute, utter. Life is thoroughly beautiful, isn't it? Created ever so carefully by a single word from the creator. 

And yet, so badly broken. So painful, so numb we become in this beautiful place. But why? Why do we become numb and complacent and oblivious to the pain around us and in us, when there are snowflakes and butterflies, caribou and tall sticks sticking out of the ground? The sticks are alive, you know. They grow and change and give us fruit to enjoy. And yet, we take it for granted, focusing only on the pain in our soul, almost relishing it, ignoring any possibility for change simply because we do not see an easy route for which change could come. So we do nothing. We notice nothing. We become nothing. We are nothing.

It is a sad concept, really, yet so prevalent. You can not argue it, can you? You are included in this generalization, as am I. What is different today than it was yesterday? What is different today than was last week, last month, or last year?  What has changed? What have you changed? My guess is that you have done nothing. Nothing to make the world a better place. Nothing to even make your world a better place, simply because you don't know what to do. So you do nothing.

Coward.

We are broken, of which I'm the worst. Yet I realize it, and you are convinced you are whole.

You are broken. You are broken, and you are a coward.

I am complete, I have direction, I have a dream, I have hope. This hope could be yours, but you are stagnant and have no desire to change.

I love people, I do. But I am not like them. Why am I so different, that I seek change? I seek to be better, do better, make the world better. They put me down; I start to become like them. But I refuse. I refuse to give in to the temptation to do nothing because I can not do everything. I will do something. And I will start with changing who I am. I will make the world beautiful by being in it, because I will be beautiful. I can not restore your faith in humanity, but I can be someone's faith in humanity. I can be one person that proves that everyone is not the same.

You could too, but you have lost hope in humanity, and you insist on being part of humanity. You and every other soul in the world. We are so few. Why, oh why. What has become of us that we all insist on being the same? We all insist on being nothing.

Life is so beautiful. Look at that artwork. Someone created that. Some beautiful, broken soul that needed a way to express the hurt in their soul. Look at the architecture. Someone built that. Someone saw that something needed to be done; that there was a need, and so they built a house. They used their imagination while doing it, too. And see those cars? Those stop lights? The roads and businesses? Those were all someone's idea. They saw something that needed to be changed and they did it. They knew that we needed transportation. They saw the roadways needed rules. They saw that people needed work and things needed to be made. And they worked hard, and they made this world what it is. Are you making the world what it is, or is it, with or without you? What is the point of living in this world, if we are just living our lives doing nothing, living day to day as if nothing matters, as if nothing is beautiful, as if no one exists but us and our world?

Why? Why can't we be more?

Look outside. Do you see that? Do you see the beauty? Could you do that? Could you make those trees? Could you make the sky, the clouds, those little birds with thousands of webbed feathers? Could you make the song that they sing? If you can, teach me your ways. Because I am nothing, and more likely than not, you are nothing. We are one of seven billion people on the planet, and we think we have a right to anything.

God made us for something. We have purpose. We can do something. And yet we choose to do nothing.

This world is sick.  

God I love coffee.

This world is so beautiful. This song is beautiful. Brokenness Aside. Life is beautiful. Jesus is beautiful. Rambling thoughts are beautiful. So are snowflakes, and crisp cold, and crinkly, smiley eyes, grey haired couples that have stood the test of time and loved unconditionally. People who give, people who love without return, people who choose to see beyond their own self and their own little world. Broken people are beautiful, because they are the ones who become beautiful. When they let God heal them, the broken people become the most beautiful. 

Everyone is broken, everyone is beautiful. But who will choose to be more than the average nobody? I will. I choose to live. Because I don't just want to be alive, I want to live. 

Every car I see outside is being driven by someone. Each someone has a story. Each someone is broken, and each someone is beautiful. Each someone needs someone to restore their faith in humanity, yet each someone could choose to be someone else's restored faith in humanity. 

Do you realize the power you have? Do you realize that you can change the world, starting with you? Stop doubting. Why do you doubt you have power? Why do you doubt that the one who is in you is larger than the nothing of the world?

God, people are stupid. 

Coffee is good. Ciao.

Sometimes, God is silent.

Sometimes we pray, and our prayers are seemingly falling on deaf ears...or no ears at all. We want something; it doesn't come. We question something; yet we get no answers.

But other times, God speaks. He shouts. He pushes us in a direction we need to go. His voice can be heard, and we have no doubt. We have all we want and need.

So what is the difference? If God is constant and always the same, why is his responses seemingly inconsistent? ...I guess the only answer would be because WE are inconsistent...

Silence from God ~
    Is there sin on your heart?
Yeah. Yeah there is.
    - Bitterness
    - Anger
    - Not loving purely; lust
    - Doubt
    - Unthankfulness.

I ask for forgiveness. I know I can't change on my own, I don't know how to pray, so I ask God to show me. I know I can't ask for anything until I am right with God. For some reason - perhaps God's seeming silence - I feel that there is a wall between me and God. But if we are in Christ, all is forgiven...? I have so much to learn.

So be thankful - God deserves praise. This is also something I struggle with, because currently, I am having a hard time believing that we need a savior, because God created us. Why would we need a savior if we didn't choose this? Is this a prisoner of war type of deal?

We must pray according to God's will. If we don't, God will not answer. This is another area of question, because if God is going to do according to his will anyway, why do we ask? No, I know why we ask. It is to see his power displayed through our faith. We know God *can* do it, and our prayers are with good motives, but he won't necessarily do it unless he has prayers from his people. Maybe this is why the world is so corrupt. His people are not praying because they believe what I just argued.

So why does God occasionally answer the prayers of sinners? To show his glory?
Why does he choose to answer some prayers? Are some just not in his will?

So how do we know his will? It is by the Bible. So we can pray with authority. We can pray, confident that God will hear us and answer us, but we must know what he says and what he requires of people in order to choose to hear or answer our prayers. This is why it is important to know scripture.

How must we pray?
Without sin in our hearts...
According to God's will...
With faith...
Without ceasing...
About everything...

I could look up the verses, but I am done. Those are the things that come to my head, and so if I am so inclined at a later date, here is everything I never knew I needed to know...

http://gospelway.com/church/prayer.php

And now that I think of it, prayer is mostly for us. Yes, God commands us to pray, but it is to give him our worries and desires. It is for him to bless us and change the world...Oh, and yes. Praise. The praise in our prayers is all for him. So God commands us to pray, he commands us to give us all our worries, he commands us...lots of other things that I am not going to look up right now...

No God doesn't always answer prayers, but when our will is aligned with his, he sure does do some crazy awesome things...

Because a Christian Mold

Alright, I've been having a hard time lately.

Not with life - Life has never been more beautiful. I have wonderful jobs, a wonderful new apartment, travel plans, and best of all, a man that makes me feel beautiful and more blessed every day.

My problems, my issues, my anger, my occasional panic attacks that still happen roughly once a week, is because of the world...because of existence, and because of God, or maybe more accurately, because of my views and beliefs about God; What I have been raised to believe compared to what I see and perceive. 

I've come to the conclusion that contentment really is where I am at. If I'm not happy right now, it is not necessarily because I am meant to be somewhere else, or because I am in the wrong place, it is because I am focusing on being somewhere else, or telling myself I should be somewhere else, or believing when people tell me I should be somewhere else or doing something else. But the truth is, when I focus on where I am, I am content. When I focus on what I am doing now and choose to believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am happy. It doesn't matter what other people say. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, and if I see an open door and feel the need to move; then I will move.

So, my issues. The moments I become angry. The moments when the demons take over and all I want is to stop existing, is when I think about God.

-- The fact that God existed FOREVER. For all of eternity, and then one day randomly decided to create a crazy, messed up universe. Oh wait! He didn't! He actually created a beautiful, perfect, wonderful, holy place with people to worship him. But he also created this angel of light who had the ability to rebel and become dark. And he knew when he created us all that Satan would rebel. He also knew that Adam (oh shoot, holy existence only lasted 1/2 a generation!) would also eat the fruit, commit sin, and damn all of eternity. Sorry rest of existence, you are born to fail. 

-- But never fear! Jesus will come to save you all! Since you have no choice, and God basically just created you (knit you together in your mother's womb with so much love) to go to hell for the rest of eternity, Jesus died for you. God became a human, so we can relate to him more, because he was tempted but didn't sin...........So, the basis for Christianity is, "realize and admit you're a sinner, you fall short, you can't be holy like God, so believe in Jesus and be saved." See, lately, I'm having a hard time believing that all of existence is just damned from the start. We are created the way we are for a reason; our talents, our minds, our personalities...but if who we are doesn't fit in the Christian mold, we go to hell?

-- I feel like the Christian things I do, I often do it out of fear, not love. I do it because I fear hell. I fear giving non-Christians the wrong impression. I fear they will think I am a hypocrite. Yes, I let God live through me, but...I don't always feel like I love God. I often feel like I hate him. I hate him for creating us. I hate him for creating this messed up world. I hate that he wants us to live miserable lives (But wait! if you live for Christ, you have peace and love and joy. but WHY have I never had that? Sure, there are moments, but the more I fight to know God, the further I feel. The angrier I get. Because I am never good enough, and I am never Christian enough for this god...) giving up every desire in us to serve him. Because he is selfish?

Confession: A lot of times, I am tempted to believe that God is a sick, twisted, perverted being that wants to screw us over. And we're gonna try to make sense of everything with brains he gave us, yet we are not meant to understand everything. I am jealous of you who can just accept things as they are. I never have. Not since first grade when I couldn't understand why we had to walk in straight lines in the halls (dumbest rule ever, still.)

I know there is a God. We didn't just happen by chance. I could never have enough faith to believe that.

I know God answers prayers. No doubt. I've seen it way too many times to doubt that prayer works, and God loves us. Or something like that.

I believe Jesus died for us. Because we're sinners (But not by choice. By society. By culture. By the church. By what any one person believes.) 

And this is where I start reevaluating. Jesus died because he loved the world. Okay, so I believe that. So I go to heaven, right? John 3:16? 

Oh no. Not according to so and so and him and her and the church and that mission or that.

You have to go to church! You have to read your Bible every day! You have to do missions! You have to tell everyone about Jesus.

Fuck. I'm going to hell.

WIETHNK SJDGNKLSJTHWKLEJT HWLEKJTHKWJBGSKJDGHRKLTWKEJTLKSJDT

Ahem. Excuse my fml rant. 

I am starting to believe that anyone can believe anything if they are presented it in a good enough way and the speaker is convincing enough. Or scary enough.

Okay, I am done ranting. You get the point. But see, so many things about modern Christianity and the Bible don't make sense to me. I have never been a  "fill the mold" person, or a fill the mold Christian. And that's okay, because that is who God created me to be. 

Yes, I am passionate about bringing justice. I'm passionate about stopping things that hurt people, or stopping people that hurt people.

And so do many of my friends, who also don't fit the "Christian" mold. The only difference is, looking at their lives, you can't tell. Looking at mine, you would say I am a Christian, because I speak out. I was raised in the church. I know all the things to say. I know the right way to act. The only difference between them and me, is I live my true life behind closed doors. In a far away country. I live just like they do, and I believe what they do, but I was taught to believe that they will go to hell BECAUSE they don't fit the Christian mold.

Maybe we're not so different after all?

It's strange, because I am safe...

It's strange, because I am safe.

I am disconnected from the world of prostitution, rape, porn, violence, human trafficking, drugs...so its almost like it is in another world. But it is real, and it is in my world, with girls just like me that just took a wrong turn, and were not blessed with the life that I have been blessed with.

Tonight, I researched porn. I have never seen a second of porn in my life, and I never want to. In my researching, I started out learning facts. Facts about how much money porn stars make, what the industry is worth, etc etc...but then, the things I started finding started pointing to porn's dark secret.

There is nothing healthy about porn. There is nothing right about porn. But you, the porn consumer, don't know that.


70 percent of men watch porn. But porn destroys relationships. Read this:

 Matt: Yes. Did your wife ever talk to you about how she felt when you looked at pornography or when you produced pornography?

Donny: I’ll tell you what. Instead of just answering that question directly, I’ll read an e-mail from her. I travel all over the country now and speak. I’m used to the porn stars and their reaction. I’m used to men who struggle with it. What I didn’t understand was when women came up crying and said that this has ripped apart my marriage. I didn’t know how to respond to that. 
I had become friends again with my ex-wife, so I forwarded to her the e-mail of a woman who had come to hear me speak and asked her, “What do I say to her?” Here is what she wrote in response. She makes some very good points.

"Donny, you don’t understand. It hurts so much just to read this letter, and all 
I feel like I could tell this woman is to say run, run, run. Run away. Far away. 
It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real 
affair.” While he is having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through 
it. How is that fair? Tell me, how is that ok? How can I try to give women 
tools to work through this? How can I try to tell them to rebuild something 
with someone who is not doing their part? It is so one-sided. 

All I would want to tell these women is to leave, and that isn’t right. God 
needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to 
hear from him what they’re doing and what they’re supposed to do, but 
how can their marriage survive? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit, it will tear 
them apart. Why should this just be her burden? That’s what I wonder. 
The very thing he is stabbing her heart with, the very thing tearing their 
family apart, is the very thing she is supposed to help him through as 
“Christians”? Is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be 
some faithful warrior on his behalf, when he is so selfish, he would sacrifice 
his wife and children for photographs and fantasy? I truly don’t even know. I 
don’t get it. I just don’t get it. 

Her statements, where she said, “my husband’s addiction is stripping away 
all that I am,” and where she goes on to say it seems like wives are a lost 
casualty in this war—those kill me, because I know. 

For me, divorcing you and getting out of all that was freedom. I didn’t have 
to continue to be torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When 
you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again. 

I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that. I am 
angry. I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, 
maybe if wives left their husbands, men would see reality. The reality of the 
fact is that it is an affair and their wives should not have to put up with the 
abuse, just like they wouldn’t have to put up with them if he was physically 
abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than 
physical wounds. 

Let him have his porn, because it’s obviously what he wants, and he can’t 
have both. I don’t have the answer at this point. Read in the Old Testament 
when Israel was unfaithful to God and see if you get any insight. "

(I encourage everyone to read this whole ebook. The Hardcore Truth)

My heart is broken. I am not going to go into detail about the horrors of porn. The abuse, the broken girls, the light draining from their eyes.

But what you do is showing how you want the world to be. If you watch porn, you encourage objectifying women. You support the abuse.

God help us all...

Seemingless Journey

When I pray, I feel better. And I put aside the facts and feelings and listen for God. Does God go against facts? He definitely goes against feelings sometimes, but when I give all to him, surrender my thoughts and feelings, sometimes he does things with them that I wouldn't expect.

That's why he is in control. I am choosing to trust him.

Realizations: Most of my thoughts are negative. Not sure how to change it, but I know I need to. I'm pretty sure that would help a lot with the depression. It's funny, because my whole life I've heard "Your thoughts become who you are" but I was always sure I was fine. Humm.

I've thought a lot of things that would never become of me that now have. I'd never do this sin or that sin. I'd never doubt or feel certain ways about a certain things. I had my whole perfect life planned out, and it's not exactly going as I planned.

But something about that is beautiful.

I'm slowly getting over my "God is sick" phase. Trying not to think about it and focus on the facts that I KNOW blessings follow people who obey him. I've seen too many miracles and answers to prayer to not believe there's some love there.

Today while wallowing in depression and hatred for myself for again falling into sin, worrying about how certain things will turn out, afraid to death that things are only going to end in hurt, Romans 8:28 popped into my head: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.

So, I believe it. I am scared to death, worried that I'm just getting into more anger and hurt and depression, but I'm going to hold on to that verse. I'm seeking God, I love him, I want more of him, and it is all going to work out for good in the end, to make me who I need to be...even if I don't understand the process. Even if I don't understand the hurt or confusion or...anything.

Realization: I often pray the negative "DON'T let me do this," or "DON'T let this or that happen." But today another thought came in. "Please, if this is meant to be, let it all fall together; Your will be done." Why is it so rare that I pray that prayer? I don't know, but I felt like God was like, "What if this is where I want you? What if this is where you need to be right now? You're not opening your heart to that possibility. You're assuming that your life isn't going to work out a certain way, but you need to be open to anything I have for you."

Well, run after God with everything you have, and if things don't turn out the way I want them too...I'll get depressed run away and want to die. Or make the choice to trust more?

But anyway....

I have to embrace these few moments of normality because they are so few. Moments when I don't scream profanities at the world and sob uncontrollably, and actually am not thinking about not existing. But the saddest thing about me lately, I've realized, is that the desire to be more, to live more, to be happy, is slowly fading. At one point, I just wanted to be happy, to change the world. Deep down, yes, that is what I want. But the world has slapped my pathetic little heart around so much that I feel like I am giving up and my dreams are not a reality, and it's too much work to try to make them so.

But in this moment, life is beautiful. Life is amazing. Life is good.

I feel like I'm lying through the keyboard. But at least I know I am loved. By God. By my family. By a boy. That I'm technically not allowed to love back. But I'm jumping off a cliff because otherwise I will never know.

Teach me your ways, oh Lord. Save my soul. Save my everything.

That's it. I'm going to bed. I pray that I wake up as content as I am at this moment.

Life is beautiful.

Rants and Realizations

The realization that you know who you want to be, and know that who you are is so far away. You try to become the person you want to be, but the harder you try, the farther you fall. They say everything is possible, so maybe you aren't trying hard enough. Or maybe you don't really know who you want to be after all.

I am in a place of numbness. Wanting what I can't have, not wanting what I desire, having what I don't want. Doing what I don't want to do, being who I don't want to be, being indecisive, and confused. And I try to keep it inside, because nothing ever changes, and I just pull everyone else down and confuse them, too.

And I wonder if I'm normal. If people are honest about how they are, then no. I am different.

I always say that I don't want to be normal, but it would be nice if my brain was normal. If the way I felt about life was normal. Just because I choose to live a different lifestyle that goes beyond normal, doesn't mean that I want to feel like a freak. 

I want to feel like people look up to me. I want to be different in a good way. A way that makes people want to be like me, and want to be my friend. But now, I'm just a negativist that always has some problem or drama or rant on my mind.

I change my mind way too much. I reason, and change my mind, then I reason some more and change my mind back. I make a decision, and say I will stick to it, and I do...but that doesn't mean my mind is really made up, it just appears that way, because it makes me feel like I have some stability in my head, even though I'm not sure I do.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Existence, God, people, work, desires, flesh, sin, war, love...nothing. Nothing makes sense in my mind. Maybe it isn't supposed to, but I am being driven to insanity because my mind desires to know. It desires to understand.

So I figure I can throw everything away. I can run away,  figure things out, find out where the best place to be is. So I travel. Travel points me home, but yet, I haven't traveled the whole world yet, and surely there is somewhere, something, that will give me meaning.

But my heart is tied to here. To a boy. To a horse. To a farm and a family. So I come back to the same confusion. The same frustration. The same panic attacks. Then I leave again.

But my decisions affect others. I am not living alone, nor can I. Because everything I do affects someone in some way, and I have much too big a heart to just say screw everything, though I often think it. People love me. People want me here. 

And I just want to die. Every thought, every failure, every frustration, every moment of confusion just brings me back to the desire to end my life. But not even death makes sense.

And I have a purpose. That's what they all say.

Funny how I thought my life would turn out. Who I would turn out to be. Funny how far my life is from ideal. And yet, if we compare, I live in a blanket of perfection.

I realized that I dwell on the negative. But how do you change that?

I always wanted to be the positive person in the room. The strong one. The one who could help you and give you good advice. The one that always had faith in God, through the good and bad. But I am the complete opposite. And I hate it. I hate who I am. I hate who I've become. Yet, I always have.

I can't help thinking that I will never be happy. When I was 15, I had hope that it would get better. When I was 16, 17, 18, 19...I believed God could fill me, and give me peace and joy that he promises; that all the Christians rave about. But 6 years later, I'm still empty. I'm still fucking empty. I still want to stop existing.

*end of rant.

The Problem With My Mind

Here's the thing. I'm never happy. 

I am living my life one way - say, for God, but I'm not happy. So I try living for the world, but I'm not happy, so I go back for God. Kind of.

And then I make a decision, and am terribly unhappy with my decision. So I change my mind, and it's okay for awhile, but then I am terribly unhappy and reason that I must have made the wrong decision. But I wasn't happy before either, I just forget that, and I figure that as long as I am unhappy I must be doing something wrong.

Or maybe I am not choosing hard enough to be happy in every situation. Maybe every situation really is okay, I just have to choose to be happy in it and make the best of it. 

So that's where I am going from here. I feel like where I am is more or less okay, but in my mind there is no way that anything can work out in the future. But then, I look at my life now and realize that I am okay, and all of the times in the past where I didn't think it would be okay, well, I'm still okay.

That is why I can't look long term - I can't look at five years down the road, and especially at my entire life, because I get overwhelmed, scared, angry, and start hating my life and everything about it. I need to look at today, tomorrow, this week, this year, but no further. What is the point when I could die tonight? 

My dad always says if things are meant to be they will just happen, and if you feel wrong about something it's probably not right.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really just unhappy because God wants me in a totally different place than I am.

Why doesn't he speak louder? 

Sometimes I just want to give up because God must be sick and just sitting there laughing at us and using us as pawns in a game that is already played out.

But then I hear worship or people discussing God and I just want to live for him and change the world for him.

I want to be everything to everyone and not exist at the same time.

Maahhh.

Fear

My life is full of realizations and today I realized something pretty annoying. 

I am deathly afraid.

That probably sounds funny coming from someone who travels to foreign countries alone and chases after theives with knives through the jungle in Nicaragua.

But it's true. Today while working at my normal (but awesome) job, I was thinking about this 30 day project and feeling very much like it's a dumb idea and pointless, but I couldn't figure out why. I ran through possibilities in my head and narrowed it down to one: I'm afraid.

I am afraid that God is who he says he is and that if I let him, he is going to radically change my life.

Now I can hear you thinking, "Isn't that what you want?" Yes. But, like I said, fear.

Because currently, my life is pretty normal, and normal, no matter how boring, is still comfortable. Normal (let's use average in this place) is sometimes "fun and exciting." For example: It is "fun" to go get a little drunk and dance the night away and convince pretty Latin boys to buy me drinks. It is "fun" to joke at other's expense. It is "fun and exciting" to trespass at night and get away with it. It's "fun" to mess around physically. And all that stuff is normal, right?

Yeah. So why does it leave me feeling so guilty, dirty, and empty? But then again, its fun, and it's normal, so what if God asks me to give that up? (Split personalities here?)

I'm also afraid that this will fail. I'm afraid that God isn't who he says he is. I'm afraid that this will be a waste of time and in the end I will find out God doesn't love us, he doesn't want to take me further, and I'm destined to get drunk and be normal just like everyone else. 

I'm also slightly afraid of what people will think of me, but honestly...if people feel the need to make me feel miserable for trying to change and searching for the best life for me and everyone around me, they should probably do some changing themselves. ;)

And, recently I heard the quote 'Nothing great was ever accomplished by playing it safe." And if I'm not happy with life right now, obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so I may as well try something different, right? And the normal/average world overall doesn't generally seem happy, and if that's what they do, and it's not working...it makes sense to try something different, right? Who says that just because billions of people around the world do it, its the right way? Maybe the secret is in the select few who fight their fear do it differently... 

Also recently, I read a story that I feel really applies to what could be happening here. Basically, the story told of some missionaries who went to a village in Africa where kids were playing "soccer" using a ball made with plastic bags tied together. They had brought a brand new, real soccer ball and asked to trade, but the kids were shocked when they realized that the missionaries were asking them to give up their precious, hand made ball. They said that the kids had a really hard time giving up their ball of garbage because it was familiar, it worked, and they knew it.  The kids did eventually trade in their old ball for a shiny new one that they quickly fell in love with, but the point here is that I think a lot of people, including me, feel that way about life. We have a life we've constructed, and we're comfortable and familiar with it. We aren't sure that there is a shiny soccer ball waiting for us, but, what if by hanging on to something old and familiar, we miss out on something a hundred times better?

So, these 30 days are my attempt to give up my old soccer ball. Honestly, I'm not positive that there is a shiny new ball waiting for me. I'm not positive that there is anything besides my life of tied together trash bags, but this is my attempt to ask God to show me if there is.

Normalcy.

I decided something: I don't want to be normal.

Okay, I know I decided that a long time ago, but sometimes living in this normal world, working at a normal job, and hanging out with normal (but super awesome!) people, I forget that I don't want to be like everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, if you want to be normal, be awesome at your 9-5 job, raise a family and never go outside this beautiful country, that's cool! Really, I'm jealous of you. You have no idea how much I would love to be 100% happy with living here and having stuff and doing what millions of other American's are doing.

But I guess that I was made for something else, and I want to be different. (This is nothing new. Ask my mom. In 1st grade, I had to be the one running in the halls. Please don't confuse this with being a rule breaker ;))

So what is "normal"? Google tells me (and google is the new Webster's) that normal is: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

Normal is expected. Normal is the usual. Normal is "conforming to a standard."

A highly educated coworker of mine (high school sophomore to be exact) described the normal of America like this: You barely make it through high school. Scrape along to go to college, get a degree that you don't really want, get a job that you don't really like, marry someone you sort of like (sometimes) - mostly because all of your friends are getting married and you feel left out, have some kids, have them do whatever you wanted to do but didn't accomplish, try to save some money to retire, but then end up in a nursing home until you die.

And from my observations, I'm going to add some more detail to the college (and beyond) years: you go out, you drink, you have some "fun", you experiment with drugs, you hook up, you search for true love that you never really find, you feel like life is pointless, you get angry, hold grudges, hate everyone, wish that you had more money and more stuff, wish you had motivation to do something with your life, wish you were brave enough to step out of your comfort zone, WISH you COULD do A, B, and C...but never really do things that make you happy, and never really do what you want to do, and you come to the conclusion that this is what life is, and that life sucks. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Sounds exciting to me...not.

I don't want to be normal. I don't want to live the normal American life. I don't want to wish I could do A, B, and C and never do it. But, unlike most people who don't want to but do anyway, starting at 21-in-a-month years old, I am going to make my life what I want it to be, and hopefully encourage you to as well.

Believe me, this doesn't sound easy to me, or even very smart. It seems nearly impossible, (and challenging, and looked down upon...) but things only seem impossible until they are accomplished.

To start, I made a simple list of the five most important things that I want in life in so specific order:

- Save myself physically 100% for the man I will marry (No STDs and as few painful emotional conversations as possible) - get married to my BEST, and do everything in my power to make my marriage work, forever. Always remember that my relationship is 1) about honoring God, 2) about loving my man well. It is not about me and what I can take away from it, it is all about giving 110% of myself.

 - Adopt (many) kids from around the world. This is not just a want, an option, or a maybe. If someone I am interested in isn't willing to adopt kids, he will not be my BEST. Adoption has been a heart's desire since I was 7, and I don't believe that desires this strong can just be pushed under a rug and forgotten forever. Kids need a family, kids need love, and kids need people willing to give them what they need. :)

- Love God, walk in his truth, live a pure, holy, God pleasing life, and by living a life walking with God, that I may show God's love to broken people everywhere I go. To live by James 4:7. To continuously grow in faith, to put others before myself, and to forgive and be forgiven.

- Be content in all things.

- Travel the WORLD. Every continent (even the penguin one.) Most countries. I want to see things that other's only imagine. Preferably with someone that has similar life goals as I do and will encourage me and help me to resist the plaguing temptations of the world. And I want to love and give 100% of my heart wherever I go.

Voila. You now know the deepest desires of my heart. The problem is...who I want to be is so far away from who I have been, and who I am. I am not going to go into detail about the terrible, hypocritical person I have been. If you know that side of me, I'm so sorry. If you don't, I'm so sorry. But, the past is the past, and dwelling on it is not going to help me be the person I can be. (I'm sure that in the next month or so, many of these things will come up, so if you are so inclined, stay tuned. :)

For the next 30 days, I am going to do something I've never done before. I am going to give 100% of myself to loving God and to loving people. The reasoning is this: I've seen the happiness and peace that people have when they love God and let him love people through them. I've seen God change lives. And I've often wondered why he doesn't change mine. Why I don't have that. Why I am an awful hypocritical person if God is so great. Then I realized...Have I ever really given him a chance change me? Have I ever tried doing what those happy people are doing? No. I can't say I have...

So, that leads me to where I am today. It's only 30 days. Maybe nothing will come of it, and I'll still be the same, hypocritical, angry person living a normal life. Or maybe it will be the beginning of God changing me and taking me further than I ever thought possible.

Somehow, "I have faith that God can, and will do abundantly more than I could ever hope or imagine, in me, and through me." I guess it's time to find out.