Here's the thing. I'm never happy.
I am living my life one way - say, for God, but I'm not happy. So I try living for the world, but I'm not happy, so I go back for God. Kind of.
And then I make a decision, and am terribly unhappy with my decision. So I change my mind, and it's okay for awhile, but then I am terribly unhappy and reason that I must have made the wrong decision. But I wasn't happy before either, I just forget that, and I figure that as long as I am unhappy I must be doing something wrong.
Or maybe I am not choosing hard enough to be happy in every situation. Maybe every situation really is okay, I just have to choose to be happy in it and make the best of it.
So that's where I am going from here. I feel like where I am is more or less okay, but in my mind there is no way that anything can work out in the future. But then, I look at my life now and realize that I am okay, and all of the times in the past where I didn't think it would be okay, well, I'm still okay.
That is why I can't look long term - I can't look at five years down the road, and especially at my entire life, because I get overwhelmed, scared, angry, and start hating my life and everything about it. I need to look at today, tomorrow, this week, this year, but no further. What is the point when I could die tonight?
My dad always says if things are meant to be they will just happen, and if you feel wrong about something it's probably not right.
Sometimes I wonder if I am really just unhappy because God wants me in a totally different place than I am.
Why doesn't he speak louder?
Sometimes I just want to give up because God must be sick and just sitting there laughing at us and using us as pawns in a game that is already played out.
But then I hear worship or people discussing God and I just want to live for him and change the world for him.
I want to be everything to everyone and not exist at the same time.
Maahhh.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Fear
My life is full of realizations and today I realized something pretty annoying.
So, these 30 days are my attempt to give up my old soccer ball. Honestly, I'm not positive that there is a shiny new ball waiting for me. I'm not positive that there is anything besides my life of tied together trash bags, but this is my attempt to ask God to show me if there is.
I am deathly afraid.
That probably sounds funny coming from someone who travels to foreign countries alone and chases after theives with knives through the jungle in Nicaragua.
But it's true. Today while working at my normal (but awesome) job, I was thinking about this 30 day project and feeling very much like it's a dumb idea and pointless, but I couldn't figure out why. I ran through possibilities in my head and narrowed it down to one: I'm afraid.
I am afraid that God is who he says he is and that if I let him, he is going to radically change my life.
Now I can hear you thinking, "Isn't that what you want?" Yes. But, like I said, fear.
Because currently, my life is pretty normal, and normal, no matter how boring, is still comfortable. Normal (let's use average in this place) is sometimes "fun and exciting." For example: It is "fun" to go get a little drunk and dance the night away and convince pretty Latin boys to buy me drinks. It is "fun" to joke at other's expense. It is "fun and exciting" to trespass at night and get away with it. It's "fun" to mess around physically. And all that stuff is normal, right?
Yeah. So why does it leave me feeling so guilty, dirty, and empty? But then again, its fun, and it's normal, so what if God asks me to give that up? (Split personalities here?)
Yeah. So why does it leave me feeling so guilty, dirty, and empty? But then again, its fun, and it's normal, so what if God asks me to give that up? (Split personalities here?)
I'm also afraid that this will fail. I'm afraid that God isn't who he says he is. I'm afraid that this will be a waste of time and in the end I will find out God doesn't love us, he doesn't want to take me further, and I'm destined to get drunk and be normal just like everyone else.
I'm also slightly afraid of what people will think of me, but honestly...if people feel the need to make me feel miserable for trying to change and searching for the best life for me and everyone around me, they should probably do some changing themselves. ;)
I'm also slightly afraid of what people will think of me, but honestly...if people feel the need to make me feel miserable for trying to change and searching for the best life for me and everyone around me, they should probably do some changing themselves. ;)
And, recently I heard the quote 'Nothing great was ever accomplished by playing it safe." And if I'm not happy with life right now, obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so I may as well try something different, right? And the normal/average world overall doesn't generally seem happy, and if that's what they do, and it's not working...it makes sense to try something different, right? Who says that just because billions of people around the world do it, its the right way? Maybe the secret is in the select few who fight their fear do it differently...
Also recently, I read a story that I feel really applies to what could be happening here. Basically, the story told of some missionaries who went to a village in Africa where kids were playing "soccer" using a ball made with plastic bags tied together. They had brought a brand new, real soccer ball and asked to trade, but the kids were shocked when they realized that the missionaries were asking them to give up their precious, hand made ball. They said that the kids had a really hard time giving up their ball of garbage because it was familiar, it worked, and they knew it. The kids did eventually trade in their old ball for a shiny new one that they quickly fell in love with, but the point here is that I think a lot of people, including me, feel that way about life. We have a life we've constructed, and we're comfortable and familiar with it. We aren't sure that there is a shiny soccer ball waiting for us, but, what if by hanging on to something old and familiar, we miss out on something a hundred times better?
Also recently, I read a story that I feel really applies to what could be happening here. Basically, the story told of some missionaries who went to a village in Africa where kids were playing "soccer" using a ball made with plastic bags tied together. They had brought a brand new, real soccer ball and asked to trade, but the kids were shocked when they realized that the missionaries were asking them to give up their precious, hand made ball. They said that the kids had a really hard time giving up their ball of garbage because it was familiar, it worked, and they knew it. The kids did eventually trade in their old ball for a shiny new one that they quickly fell in love with, but the point here is that I think a lot of people, including me, feel that way about life. We have a life we've constructed, and we're comfortable and familiar with it. We aren't sure that there is a shiny soccer ball waiting for us, but, what if by hanging on to something old and familiar, we miss out on something a hundred times better?
So, these 30 days are my attempt to give up my old soccer ball. Honestly, I'm not positive that there is a shiny new ball waiting for me. I'm not positive that there is anything besides my life of tied together trash bags, but this is my attempt to ask God to show me if there is.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Normalcy.
I decided something: I don't want to be normal.
Okay, I know I decided that a long time ago, but sometimes living in this normal world, working at a normal job, and hanging out with normal (but super awesome!) people, I forget that I don't want to be like everyone else.
Don't get me wrong, if you want to be normal, be awesome at your 9-5 job, raise a family and never go outside this beautiful country, that's cool! Really, I'm jealous of you. You have no idea how much I would love to be 100% happy with living here and having stuff and doing what millions of other American's are doing.
But I guess that I was made for something else, and I want to be different. (This is nothing new. Ask my mom. In 1st grade, I had to be the one running in the halls. Please don't confuse this with being a rule breaker ;))
So what is "normal"? Google tells me (and google is the new Webster's) that normal is: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
Normal is expected. Normal is the usual. Normal is "conforming to a standard."
A highly educated coworker of mine (high school sophomore to be exact) described the normal of America like this: You barely make it through high school. Scrape along to go to college, get a degree that you don't really want, get a job that you don't really like, marry someone you sort of like (sometimes) - mostly because all of your friends are getting married and you feel left out, have some kids, have them do whatever you wanted to do but didn't accomplish, try to save some money to retire, but then end up in a nursing home until you die.
And from my observations, I'm going to add some more detail to the college (and beyond) years: you go out, you drink, you have some "fun", you experiment with drugs, you hook up, you search for true love that you never really find, you feel like life is pointless, you get angry, hold grudges, hate everyone, wish that you had more money and more stuff, wish you had motivation to do something with your life, wish you were brave enough to step out of your comfort zone, WISH you COULD do A, B, and C...but never really do things that make you happy, and never really do what you want to do, and you come to the conclusion that this is what life is, and that life sucks. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)
Sounds exciting to me...not.
I don't want to be normal. I don't want to live the normal American life. I don't want to wish I could do A, B, and C and never do it. But, unlike most people who don't want to but do anyway, starting at 21-in-a-month years old, I am going to make my life what I want it to be, and hopefully encourage you to as well.
Believe me, this doesn't sound easy to me, or even very smart. It seems nearly impossible, (and challenging, and looked down upon...) but things only seem impossible until they are accomplished.
To start, I made a simple list of the five most important things that I want in life in so specific order:
- Save myself physically 100% for the man I will marry (No STDs and as few painful emotional conversations as possible) - get married to my BEST, and do everything in my power to make my marriage work, forever. Always remember that my relationship is 1) about honoring God, 2) about loving my man well. It is not about me and what I can take away from it, it is all about giving 110% of myself.
- Adopt (many) kids from around the world. This is not just a want, an option, or a maybe. If someone I am interested in isn't willing to adopt kids, he will not be my BEST. Adoption has been a heart's desire since I was 7, and I don't believe that desires this strong can just be pushed under a rug and forgotten forever. Kids need a family, kids need love, and kids need people willing to give them what they need. :)
- Love God, walk in his truth, live a pure, holy, God pleasing life, and by living a life walking with God, that I may show God's love to broken people everywhere I go. To live by James 4:7. To continuously grow in faith, to put others before myself, and to forgive and be forgiven.
- Be content in all things.
- Travel the WORLD. Every continent (even the penguin one.) Most countries. I want to see things that other's only imagine. Preferably with someone that has similar life goals as I do and will encourage me and help me to resist the plaguing temptations of the world. And I want to love and give 100% of my heart wherever I go.
Voila. You now know the deepest desires of my heart. The problem is...who I want to be is so far away from who I have been, and who I am. I am not going to go into detail about the terrible, hypocritical person I have been. If you know that side of me, I'm so sorry. If you don't, I'm so sorry. But, the past is the past, and dwelling on it is not going to help me be the person I can be. (I'm sure that in the next month or so, many of these things will come up, so if you are so inclined, stay tuned. :)
For the next 30 days, I am going to do something I've never done before. I am going to give 100% of myself to loving God and to loving people. The reasoning is this: I've seen the happiness and peace that people have when they love God and let him love people through them. I've seen God change lives. And I've often wondered why he doesn't change mine. Why I don't have that. Why I am an awful hypocritical person if God is so great. Then I realized...Have I ever really given him a chance change me? Have I ever tried doing what those happy people are doing? No. I can't say I have...
So, that leads me to where I am today. It's only 30 days. Maybe nothing will come of it, and I'll still be the same, hypocritical, angry person living a normal life. Or maybe it will be the beginning of God changing me and taking me further than I ever thought possible.
Okay, I know I decided that a long time ago, but sometimes living in this normal world, working at a normal job, and hanging out with normal (but super awesome!) people, I forget that I don't want to be like everyone else.
Don't get me wrong, if you want to be normal, be awesome at your 9-5 job, raise a family and never go outside this beautiful country, that's cool! Really, I'm jealous of you. You have no idea how much I would love to be 100% happy with living here and having stuff and doing what millions of other American's are doing.
But I guess that I was made for something else, and I want to be different. (This is nothing new. Ask my mom. In 1st grade, I had to be the one running in the halls. Please don't confuse this with being a rule breaker ;))
So what is "normal"? Google tells me (and google is the new Webster's) that normal is: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
Normal is expected. Normal is the usual. Normal is "conforming to a standard."
A highly educated coworker of mine (high school sophomore to be exact) described the normal of America like this: You barely make it through high school. Scrape along to go to college, get a degree that you don't really want, get a job that you don't really like, marry someone you sort of like (sometimes) - mostly because all of your friends are getting married and you feel left out, have some kids, have them do whatever you wanted to do but didn't accomplish, try to save some money to retire, but then end up in a nursing home until you die.
And from my observations, I'm going to add some more detail to the college (and beyond) years: you go out, you drink, you have some "fun", you experiment with drugs, you hook up, you search for true love that you never really find, you feel like life is pointless, you get angry, hold grudges, hate everyone, wish that you had more money and more stuff, wish you had motivation to do something with your life, wish you were brave enough to step out of your comfort zone, WISH you COULD do A, B, and C...but never really do things that make you happy, and never really do what you want to do, and you come to the conclusion that this is what life is, and that life sucks. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)
Sounds exciting to me...not.
I don't want to be normal. I don't want to live the normal American life. I don't want to wish I could do A, B, and C and never do it. But, unlike most people who don't want to but do anyway, starting at 21-in-a-month years old, I am going to make my life what I want it to be, and hopefully encourage you to as well.
Believe me, this doesn't sound easy to me, or even very smart. It seems nearly impossible, (and challenging, and looked down upon...) but things only seem impossible until they are accomplished.
To start, I made a simple list of the five most important things that I want in life in so specific order:
- Save myself physically 100% for the man I will marry (No STDs and as few painful emotional conversations as possible) - get married to my BEST, and do everything in my power to make my marriage work, forever. Always remember that my relationship is 1) about honoring God, 2) about loving my man well. It is not about me and what I can take away from it, it is all about giving 110% of myself.
- Adopt (many) kids from around the world. This is not just a want, an option, or a maybe. If someone I am interested in isn't willing to adopt kids, he will not be my BEST. Adoption has been a heart's desire since I was 7, and I don't believe that desires this strong can just be pushed under a rug and forgotten forever. Kids need a family, kids need love, and kids need people willing to give them what they need. :)
- Love God, walk in his truth, live a pure, holy, God pleasing life, and by living a life walking with God, that I may show God's love to broken people everywhere I go. To live by James 4:7. To continuously grow in faith, to put others before myself, and to forgive and be forgiven.
- Be content in all things.
- Travel the WORLD. Every continent (even the penguin one.) Most countries. I want to see things that other's only imagine. Preferably with someone that has similar life goals as I do and will encourage me and help me to resist the plaguing temptations of the world. And I want to love and give 100% of my heart wherever I go.
Voila. You now know the deepest desires of my heart. The problem is...who I want to be is so far away from who I have been, and who I am. I am not going to go into detail about the terrible, hypocritical person I have been. If you know that side of me, I'm so sorry. If you don't, I'm so sorry. But, the past is the past, and dwelling on it is not going to help me be the person I can be. (I'm sure that in the next month or so, many of these things will come up, so if you are so inclined, stay tuned. :)
For the next 30 days, I am going to do something I've never done before. I am going to give 100% of myself to loving God and to loving people. The reasoning is this: I've seen the happiness and peace that people have when they love God and let him love people through them. I've seen God change lives. And I've often wondered why he doesn't change mine. Why I don't have that. Why I am an awful hypocritical person if God is so great. Then I realized...Have I ever really given him a chance change me? Have I ever tried doing what those happy people are doing? No. I can't say I have...
So, that leads me to where I am today. It's only 30 days. Maybe nothing will come of it, and I'll still be the same, hypocritical, angry person living a normal life. Or maybe it will be the beginning of God changing me and taking me further than I ever thought possible.
Somehow, "I have faith that God can, and will do abundantly more than I could ever hope or imagine, in me, and through me." I guess it's time to find out.
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