Fear

My life is full of realizations and today I realized something pretty annoying. 

I am deathly afraid.

That probably sounds funny coming from someone who travels to foreign countries alone and chases after theives with knives through the jungle in Nicaragua.

But it's true. Today while working at my normal (but awesome) job, I was thinking about this 30 day project and feeling very much like it's a dumb idea and pointless, but I couldn't figure out why. I ran through possibilities in my head and narrowed it down to one: I'm afraid.

I am afraid that God is who he says he is and that if I let him, he is going to radically change my life.

Now I can hear you thinking, "Isn't that what you want?" Yes. But, like I said, fear.

Because currently, my life is pretty normal, and normal, no matter how boring, is still comfortable. Normal (let's use average in this place) is sometimes "fun and exciting." For example: It is "fun" to go get a little drunk and dance the night away and convince pretty Latin boys to buy me drinks. It is "fun" to joke at other's expense. It is "fun and exciting" to trespass at night and get away with it. It's "fun" to mess around physically. And all that stuff is normal, right?

Yeah. So why does it leave me feeling so guilty, dirty, and empty? But then again, its fun, and it's normal, so what if God asks me to give that up? (Split personalities here?)

I'm also afraid that this will fail. I'm afraid that God isn't who he says he is. I'm afraid that this will be a waste of time and in the end I will find out God doesn't love us, he doesn't want to take me further, and I'm destined to get drunk and be normal just like everyone else. 

I'm also slightly afraid of what people will think of me, but honestly...if people feel the need to make me feel miserable for trying to change and searching for the best life for me and everyone around me, they should probably do some changing themselves. ;)

And, recently I heard the quote 'Nothing great was ever accomplished by playing it safe." And if I'm not happy with life right now, obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so I may as well try something different, right? And the normal/average world overall doesn't generally seem happy, and if that's what they do, and it's not working...it makes sense to try something different, right? Who says that just because billions of people around the world do it, its the right way? Maybe the secret is in the select few who fight their fear do it differently... 

Also recently, I read a story that I feel really applies to what could be happening here. Basically, the story told of some missionaries who went to a village in Africa where kids were playing "soccer" using a ball made with plastic bags tied together. They had brought a brand new, real soccer ball and asked to trade, but the kids were shocked when they realized that the missionaries were asking them to give up their precious, hand made ball. They said that the kids had a really hard time giving up their ball of garbage because it was familiar, it worked, and they knew it.  The kids did eventually trade in their old ball for a shiny new one that they quickly fell in love with, but the point here is that I think a lot of people, including me, feel that way about life. We have a life we've constructed, and we're comfortable and familiar with it. We aren't sure that there is a shiny soccer ball waiting for us, but, what if by hanging on to something old and familiar, we miss out on something a hundred times better?

So, these 30 days are my attempt to give up my old soccer ball. Honestly, I'm not positive that there is a shiny new ball waiting for me. I'm not positive that there is anything besides my life of tied together trash bags, but this is my attempt to ask God to show me if there is.