It's strange, because I am safe...

It's strange, because I am safe.

I am disconnected from the world of prostitution, rape, porn, violence, human trafficking, drugs...so its almost like it is in another world. But it is real, and it is in my world, with girls just like me that just took a wrong turn, and were not blessed with the life that I have been blessed with.

Tonight, I researched porn. I have never seen a second of porn in my life, and I never want to. In my researching, I started out learning facts. Facts about how much money porn stars make, what the industry is worth, etc etc...but then, the things I started finding started pointing to porn's dark secret.

There is nothing healthy about porn. There is nothing right about porn. But you, the porn consumer, don't know that.


70 percent of men watch porn. But porn destroys relationships. Read this:

 Matt: Yes. Did your wife ever talk to you about how she felt when you looked at pornography or when you produced pornography?

Donny: I’ll tell you what. Instead of just answering that question directly, I’ll read an e-mail from her. I travel all over the country now and speak. I’m used to the porn stars and their reaction. I’m used to men who struggle with it. What I didn’t understand was when women came up crying and said that this has ripped apart my marriage. I didn’t know how to respond to that. 
I had become friends again with my ex-wife, so I forwarded to her the e-mail of a woman who had come to hear me speak and asked her, “What do I say to her?” Here is what she wrote in response. She makes some very good points.

"Donny, you don’t understand. It hurts so much just to read this letter, and all 
I feel like I could tell this woman is to say run, run, run. Run away. Far away. 
It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real 
affair.” While he is having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through 
it. How is that fair? Tell me, how is that ok? How can I try to give women 
tools to work through this? How can I try to tell them to rebuild something 
with someone who is not doing their part? It is so one-sided. 

All I would want to tell these women is to leave, and that isn’t right. God 
needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to 
hear from him what they’re doing and what they’re supposed to do, but 
how can their marriage survive? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit, it will tear 
them apart. Why should this just be her burden? That’s what I wonder. 
The very thing he is stabbing her heart with, the very thing tearing their 
family apart, is the very thing she is supposed to help him through as 
“Christians”? Is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be 
some faithful warrior on his behalf, when he is so selfish, he would sacrifice 
his wife and children for photographs and fantasy? I truly don’t even know. I 
don’t get it. I just don’t get it. 

Her statements, where she said, “my husband’s addiction is stripping away 
all that I am,” and where she goes on to say it seems like wives are a lost 
casualty in this war—those kill me, because I know. 

For me, divorcing you and getting out of all that was freedom. I didn’t have 
to continue to be torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When 
you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again. 

I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that. I am 
angry. I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, 
maybe if wives left their husbands, men would see reality. The reality of the 
fact is that it is an affair and their wives should not have to put up with the 
abuse, just like they wouldn’t have to put up with them if he was physically 
abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than 
physical wounds. 

Let him have his porn, because it’s obviously what he wants, and he can’t 
have both. I don’t have the answer at this point. Read in the Old Testament 
when Israel was unfaithful to God and see if you get any insight. "

(I encourage everyone to read this whole ebook. The Hardcore Truth)

My heart is broken. I am not going to go into detail about the horrors of porn. The abuse, the broken girls, the light draining from their eyes.

But what you do is showing how you want the world to be. If you watch porn, you encourage objectifying women. You support the abuse.

God help us all...

Seemingless Journey

When I pray, I feel better. And I put aside the facts and feelings and listen for God. Does God go against facts? He definitely goes against feelings sometimes, but when I give all to him, surrender my thoughts and feelings, sometimes he does things with them that I wouldn't expect.

That's why he is in control. I am choosing to trust him.

Realizations: Most of my thoughts are negative. Not sure how to change it, but I know I need to. I'm pretty sure that would help a lot with the depression. It's funny, because my whole life I've heard "Your thoughts become who you are" but I was always sure I was fine. Humm.

I've thought a lot of things that would never become of me that now have. I'd never do this sin or that sin. I'd never doubt or feel certain ways about a certain things. I had my whole perfect life planned out, and it's not exactly going as I planned.

But something about that is beautiful.

I'm slowly getting over my "God is sick" phase. Trying not to think about it and focus on the facts that I KNOW blessings follow people who obey him. I've seen too many miracles and answers to prayer to not believe there's some love there.

Today while wallowing in depression and hatred for myself for again falling into sin, worrying about how certain things will turn out, afraid to death that things are only going to end in hurt, Romans 8:28 popped into my head: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.

So, I believe it. I am scared to death, worried that I'm just getting into more anger and hurt and depression, but I'm going to hold on to that verse. I'm seeking God, I love him, I want more of him, and it is all going to work out for good in the end, to make me who I need to be...even if I don't understand the process. Even if I don't understand the hurt or confusion or...anything.

Realization: I often pray the negative "DON'T let me do this," or "DON'T let this or that happen." But today another thought came in. "Please, if this is meant to be, let it all fall together; Your will be done." Why is it so rare that I pray that prayer? I don't know, but I felt like God was like, "What if this is where I want you? What if this is where you need to be right now? You're not opening your heart to that possibility. You're assuming that your life isn't going to work out a certain way, but you need to be open to anything I have for you."

Well, run after God with everything you have, and if things don't turn out the way I want them too...I'll get depressed run away and want to die. Or make the choice to trust more?

But anyway....

I have to embrace these few moments of normality because they are so few. Moments when I don't scream profanities at the world and sob uncontrollably, and actually am not thinking about not existing. But the saddest thing about me lately, I've realized, is that the desire to be more, to live more, to be happy, is slowly fading. At one point, I just wanted to be happy, to change the world. Deep down, yes, that is what I want. But the world has slapped my pathetic little heart around so much that I feel like I am giving up and my dreams are not a reality, and it's too much work to try to make them so.

But in this moment, life is beautiful. Life is amazing. Life is good.

I feel like I'm lying through the keyboard. But at least I know I am loved. By God. By my family. By a boy. That I'm technically not allowed to love back. But I'm jumping off a cliff because otherwise I will never know.

Teach me your ways, oh Lord. Save my soul. Save my everything.

That's it. I'm going to bed. I pray that I wake up as content as I am at this moment.

Life is beautiful.

Rants and Realizations

The realization that you know who you want to be, and know that who you are is so far away. You try to become the person you want to be, but the harder you try, the farther you fall. They say everything is possible, so maybe you aren't trying hard enough. Or maybe you don't really know who you want to be after all.

I am in a place of numbness. Wanting what I can't have, not wanting what I desire, having what I don't want. Doing what I don't want to do, being who I don't want to be, being indecisive, and confused. And I try to keep it inside, because nothing ever changes, and I just pull everyone else down and confuse them, too.

And I wonder if I'm normal. If people are honest about how they are, then no. I am different.

I always say that I don't want to be normal, but it would be nice if my brain was normal. If the way I felt about life was normal. Just because I choose to live a different lifestyle that goes beyond normal, doesn't mean that I want to feel like a freak. 

I want to feel like people look up to me. I want to be different in a good way. A way that makes people want to be like me, and want to be my friend. But now, I'm just a negativist that always has some problem or drama or rant on my mind.

I change my mind way too much. I reason, and change my mind, then I reason some more and change my mind back. I make a decision, and say I will stick to it, and I do...but that doesn't mean my mind is really made up, it just appears that way, because it makes me feel like I have some stability in my head, even though I'm not sure I do.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Existence, God, people, work, desires, flesh, sin, war, love...nothing. Nothing makes sense in my mind. Maybe it isn't supposed to, but I am being driven to insanity because my mind desires to know. It desires to understand.

So I figure I can throw everything away. I can run away,  figure things out, find out where the best place to be is. So I travel. Travel points me home, but yet, I haven't traveled the whole world yet, and surely there is somewhere, something, that will give me meaning.

But my heart is tied to here. To a boy. To a horse. To a farm and a family. So I come back to the same confusion. The same frustration. The same panic attacks. Then I leave again.

But my decisions affect others. I am not living alone, nor can I. Because everything I do affects someone in some way, and I have much too big a heart to just say screw everything, though I often think it. People love me. People want me here. 

And I just want to die. Every thought, every failure, every frustration, every moment of confusion just brings me back to the desire to end my life. But not even death makes sense.

And I have a purpose. That's what they all say.

Funny how I thought my life would turn out. Who I would turn out to be. Funny how far my life is from ideal. And yet, if we compare, I live in a blanket of perfection.

I realized that I dwell on the negative. But how do you change that?

I always wanted to be the positive person in the room. The strong one. The one who could help you and give you good advice. The one that always had faith in God, through the good and bad. But I am the complete opposite. And I hate it. I hate who I am. I hate who I've become. Yet, I always have.

I can't help thinking that I will never be happy. When I was 15, I had hope that it would get better. When I was 16, 17, 18, 19...I believed God could fill me, and give me peace and joy that he promises; that all the Christians rave about. But 6 years later, I'm still empty. I'm still fucking empty. I still want to stop existing.

*end of rant.