Alright, I've been having a hard time lately.
Not with life - Life has never been more beautiful. I have wonderful jobs, a wonderful new apartment, travel plans, and best of all, a man that makes me feel beautiful and more blessed every day.
My problems, my issues, my anger, my occasional panic attacks that still happen roughly once a week, is because of the world...because of existence, and because of God, or maybe more accurately, because of my views and beliefs about God; What I have been raised to believe compared to what I see and perceive.
I've come to the conclusion that contentment really is where I am at. If I'm not happy right now, it is not necessarily because I am meant to be somewhere else, or because I am in the wrong place, it is because I am focusing on being somewhere else, or telling myself I should be somewhere else, or believing when people tell me I should be somewhere else or doing something else. But the truth is, when I focus on where I am, I am content. When I focus on what I am doing now and choose to believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am happy. It doesn't matter what other people say. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, and if I see an open door and feel the need to move; then I will move.
So, my issues. The moments I become angry. The moments when the demons take over and all I want is to stop existing, is when I think about God.
-- The fact that God existed FOREVER. For all of eternity, and then one day randomly decided to create a crazy, messed up universe. Oh wait! He didn't! He actually created a beautiful, perfect, wonderful, holy place with people to worship him. But he also created this angel of light who had the ability to rebel and become dark. And he knew when he created us all that Satan would rebel. He also knew that Adam (oh shoot, holy existence only lasted 1/2 a generation!) would also eat the fruit, commit sin, and damn all of eternity. Sorry rest of existence, you are born to fail.
-- But never fear! Jesus will come to save you all! Since you have no choice, and God basically just created you (knit you together in your mother's womb with so much love) to go to hell for the rest of eternity, Jesus died for you. God became a human, so we can relate to him more, because he was tempted but didn't sin...........So, the basis for Christianity is, "realize and admit you're a sinner, you fall short, you can't be holy like God, so believe in Jesus and be saved." See, lately, I'm having a hard time believing that all of existence is just damned from the start. We are created the way we are for a reason; our talents, our minds, our personalities...but if who we are doesn't fit in the Christian mold, we go to hell?
-- I feel like the Christian things I do, I often do it out of fear, not love. I do it because I fear hell. I fear giving non-Christians the wrong impression. I fear they will think I am a hypocrite. Yes, I let God live through me, but...I don't always feel like I love God. I often feel like I hate him. I hate him for creating us. I hate him for creating this messed up world. I hate that he wants us to live miserable lives (But wait! if you live for Christ, you have peace and love and joy. but WHY have I never had that? Sure, there are moments, but the more I fight to know God, the further I feel. The angrier I get. Because I am never good enough, and I am never Christian enough for this god...) giving up every desire in us to serve him. Because he is selfish?
Confession: A lot of times, I am tempted to believe that God is a sick, twisted, perverted being that wants to screw us over. And we're gonna try to make sense of everything with brains he gave us, yet we are not meant to understand everything. I am jealous of you who can just accept things as they are. I never have. Not since first grade when I couldn't understand why we had to walk in straight lines in the halls (dumbest rule ever, still.)
I know there is a God. We didn't just happen by chance. I could never have enough faith to believe that.
I know God answers prayers. No doubt. I've seen it way too many times to doubt that prayer works, and God loves us. Or something like that.
I believe Jesus died for us. Because we're sinners (But not by choice. By society. By culture. By the church. By what any one person believes.)
And this is where I start reevaluating. Jesus died because he loved the world. Okay, so I believe that. So I go to heaven, right? John 3:16?
Oh no. Not according to so and so and him and her and the church and that mission or that.
You have to go to church! You have to read your Bible every day! You have to do missions! You have to tell everyone about Jesus.
Fuck. I'm going to hell.
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Ahem. Excuse my fml rant.
I am starting to believe that anyone can believe anything if they are presented it in a good enough way and the speaker is convincing enough. Or scary enough.
Okay, I am done ranting. You get the point. But see, so many things about modern Christianity and the Bible don't make sense to me. I have never been a "fill the mold" person, or a fill the mold Christian. And that's okay, because that is who God created me to be.
Yes, I am passionate about bringing justice. I'm passionate about stopping things that hurt people, or stopping people that hurt people.
And so do many of my friends, who also don't fit the "Christian" mold. The only difference is, looking at their lives, you can't tell. Looking at mine, you would say I am a Christian, because I speak out. I was raised in the church. I know all the things to say. I know the right way to act. The only difference between them and me, is I live my true life behind closed doors. In a far away country. I live just like they do, and I believe what they do, but I was taught to believe that they will go to hell BECAUSE they don't fit the Christian mold.
Maybe we're not so different after all?
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