Growth.

I'm on a beautiful journey to see the world and find myself.

I think I'm doing more finding myself than seeing the world this time around, and honestly, it might just be a more beautiful joirney...but just a little.

I'm learning, so much. Learning who I am and who I am not, and who I thought I was and where my weaknesses lie. I am learning that I am weak, but I'm also learning that my God is strong.

Building castles out of sand are going to crumble. Things done in this world aren't created to last. We were made to surrender all and let go and let God. To let God build our castles out of solid rock; a substance to last for eternity.

People make mistakes. People do things that are going to hurt you. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, it means they are people that make mistakes that hurt you.

Sepia

I'm in Costa Rica, and I hurt so bad I can't breathe.

This is life, isn't it. This is life, day in, day out. Breathing through the ache in my soul, smiling in photos, reminding myself to live in the moment because a moment later it will all be gone.

Lying to people. I'm such a liar. A coward. Spineless.

Let's be real kids, I am nothing. What you see on Facebook is such a lie. My happy lie.

Am I that person? That person everyone looks at and thinks, oh, she's so beautiful, oh, she has such a great life, oh, she's so successful and is going to do great things...

The person that no one expects to cut herself. The person no one expects to take her own life and when she does they say, oh. what a shame, she had so much going for her.

I promise I won't be that girl, but sometimes I'd like to be.

Because I hate who I am, who Ive been trying to be that I never will be.

I hurt people, I throw away good things.

I look at my past and think, for what? What's the fucking point.

Why did I let go. Why did I push away. Why did I make that one choice or the other one or the other one...

Damn me. Damn me.

I'm probably going to hell anyway for this cowardness in my soul.

I have everything anyone could ever want, and I am nothing.

Will the real me please stand up.

I woke up and got out of bed to tie the ribbon around my curtains this morning and was again hit with the sickening feeling, "Tomorrow is my last day to do this." Everything I do today, I will be reminded, "This is the last time...tomorrow I leave."

How does time go so fast? Tomorrow I once again leave a place I have come to love and people I have shared countless memories with.

A place that has taught me much about the world and myself and yet...a place that is unrealistically beautiful and adventurous. It took my monotone life and replaced it with the expectation that life contains opportunities that make me high and as soon as I leave I know I will crash from this high that makes me forget.

A place that has slowly taken my pain and not healed it, but simply covered it with a broken lie.

It happens every time, but this time, in the midst of the high caused by destructive decisions I know in my soul this is not who I am and I know in my soul that I've created regret and I know in my soul that the pain is still there, alive and well, and all the pretending in the world won't make it disappear, no matter how far it feels in a moment of living here and now.

Because every day, every night, again and again the sickening feeling of reality surfaces and I fight to push it away..."This happiness is temporary. It's easy to pretend everything is okay while you're here, isn't it Jenna? Well it's going to end, you know that. This drug will wear off and you'll be left with nothing but photos and memories and cheap souvineners...and a whole lot of wondering what the fuck you were doing when you were finding yourself."

That's why it's time to leave. To find myself in the one who created me. In a place far from the world and the things that they seek to satisfy.

This was the plan from the beginning, I know. I needed to let go of everything. Absolutely everything. I have no reason to go home anymore, and just as much desire.

But this life isn't all it promised, either. Really, it is all a lot of empty promises. And in the midst of the sugar coated promises there's a thing they expect to hear; of happiness and adventure and everything wonderful and how I'm living the dream and they wish they had my life because no one knows the broken inside and no one recognizes the broken lie, "I'm fine."

This journey's not over yet, but it's changing shape. Now we will experience phase 3. A completely different phase; the only phase that has ever kept all its promises.

It scares me that people read this.
Then again, humanity shouldn't have anything to hide.

They say the best thing in the world is to be honest. The best way to save trouble. Well here is my honesty. I'm saving nothing but an explosion in my soul.

Once again I am reminded that I am weak.

I am reminded that I can't do this life. I can't be who I want to be. I am who I swore I would never be.

Old friends used to tell me that I let people walk all over me. I used to argue, but now I realize that it is true. I let people walk all over me, I give in to the pressure, and in turn, I also walk all over those who don't. The good, loyal, loving people who have done nothing but good for me, are the ones that suffer at my hands.

I am not who the world believes I am.

I am broken, I am weak, I am lost. I hate who I am, I hate who I've become, I hate what I do. I think I am strong. I think I know what I want and won't let anyone or anything get in the way.

But its fail, fail. Over and over. I fail. I fall. I hurt myself, and I hurt others.

It's never going to end. 

Sometimes I think its starting to get a little better...I think I have finally committed to being me. To being strong, to avoiding what I hate. To loving unconditionally and loving others first...and then its back to square one.

And I hurt. 

And you hurt.

And everyone hurts and it is all my own fault.

I see people who say they are "beautifully content." What does that even mean? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I would be content if I had self control and some kind of a backbone so I could stand up for what I believe in.

This is why I run away. This is why its easier to be friends for five days and never see each other again. This is why deep relationships aren't worth it. Not because people don't love me well...but because I don't know how to love well. Or maybe I do know how, but I can't. I just...can't...

People have told me that the most beautiful thing about me is that I radiate love. I believe I love too deeply for my own good, but I still can't love anyone 100%. Everyone just sees it...they can't touch it.

I'm okay. I'm okay.Life is beautiful. It is. It really is.

I just keep trying to make it ugly.

I'm done kids. I'm running away again. 

Take me far away; to that secret place. Somewhere they can't hurt me. I wanna be moved by mercy. Father, I can't see you. I just know I need you. Take me far away, far away...

Offers so Meaningless

The I'm not sure I have anything to offer the world.

Everywhere I go I meet such amazing people. People who can dance, who do art, who make people feel happy just by being. People who sing, who play instruments, who are good at sports, who are super friendly. People who are free love and give it unconditionally. People have such great gifts, and from a physical, human perspective, I have nothing to offer. I have no talents that benefit people. Yes, I have talents, but not ones that are good for anyone but me.

I realize that this battle we are fighting will never be won. If it is, it will be by God anyway, so why try? The battle in which I am unconvinced in any direction. To save souls. We won't win. Nearly everyone is going to hell. They are all convinced in their own mind, and I am supposed to change minds. But I don't even know if my mind is made up. 

Tonight I was talking to someone who has nearly the same view as everyone. It doesn't matter, life hurts, and...we all are raised with rules from a certain God. As we get older, we all kill God in one way or another. We have to to survive. No one believes their parents exactly.

I don't want to believe this anymore, but nothing else makes sense. I want life to have a point. I have to believe it. But maybe it would be more freeing if it didn't. But free also means meaningless. But I believe it is anyway, don't I?

I am so lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who or what I want to be, and everything takes me in another circle.

Slowly, I am letting go and enjoying. I really am. It has been such a beautiful weekend...besides the deep pain that always is, the conviction of staying pure, the fear of sin, the confusion of existence, the frustration at God...

Memories are being made; for what?

I can't save souls. I never have. How can I when I am unconvinced myself?

The thing is, the things I am convinced of. I either believe all or nothing...and knowing what I know, that means it all must be true, but it can't be.

Another circle.

This weekend I have become comfortable. I am in a second home with familiar faces and places and I don't want to leave.

Tomorrow I leave.

Tomorrow I turn another page and begin another chapter that will become just as beautiful as this one and the last.

A chapter with love and loss and happiness and sadness and new people and old people and things not quite how I'd like it and other things more perfect than I could have imagined.

This journey is strange and powerful and exciting and terrible and it sounds like someone is crying in the next room.

What are you, oh life?

Even Soloman in all his wisdom said meaningless.

I don't know if I will let go forever; the last few days I've finally put Jesus first and have had the most amazing days in forever.

But I am letting go of fear. Fear of sin and hell.

The Bible, I don't know. Does it matter?

I don't know, I don't know, and I have nothing to offer of what I do know.

Meaningless, meaningless.

Somebody tell me why.

Why do I still hurt?

Why do I still hurt?

I'm in Panama. I've met tons of awesome people. I've been hanging out with friends I was dying to see. We played volleyball and soccer in the pouring rain for hours yesterday, and it was absolutely ridiculously fun.

But I'm still dying inside. Life just hurts so deeply and I don't know why. 

I had one beautiful evening of "life is good". The happy travel feeling I'm used to. But the overall, it's not coming. I feel as though so far this trip has been completely pointless, and part of me wants to go home, but I mostly just don't care because life is pointless everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it here. I've been learning a lot, and seeing absolutely incredible things God has been doing.

There's a comfort being back in such a beautiful, familiar place.

Sheep are baaing and chickens are crowing and farmers are chainsawing skewers in the distance.

And I'm laying in a hammock.

I have the best life ever, everyone is jealous of me, I'm in a culture I love with people I love more.

So why am I still so empty? Why am I still hurting so deeply in my stomach that I want to throw up and just lay in bed all day?

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I have to say, God does always use Panama in incredible ways. I'm not blaming him for the pain, although of course I question everything. I'm only a week in, we have so much time to go, and I know He is working. I've seen it already.

Being here around people who have sold everything to do what He asked, and seeing the blessings and miracles happening on their lives are incredible. 

Even though, most the people leaving are "fleeing" the states because the visions and words from God about how awful the next few years, starting within a year, are going to be. That scares me. I understand that the USA has been blessed and rebelled so God has removed his hand of protection, but it's the place I love, with 99.9% of people on this planet that I love.

I was walking the other day, praying, telling God if he wants me here I'm ready to sell my horses and come, but I really don't feel him asking that right now. I'm going to go home in a few months until he speaks again. But, I was thinking, and thought how hard it would be to leave my home, and his voice cut through, "that's not your home; heaven is your home." Yes, strange comfort, no matter how morbid in the moment.

Anyway...

There is so much faith in this body of believers, so many people are healed, so many lives are changed when God touches these lives...lives that are never the same, in such a beautiful way. It makes it even more impossible to deny Jesus and his promises.

But hell for eternity for everyone else? Really?

I look at all the beauty around me, I see how God has provided, and so many little things that have happened in response to my prayer, things too detailed to have been coincidence, and I feel the presence of God. I know he's here, I know he is leading, and I know what he's saying. I know he is good, I know he is love. Because I've seen it.

But I also don't know why I feel this broken emptiness, even if I feel peace that know that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

Nothing is wrong with anything in my life; but everything is wrong in my heart, soul, interior being...but is it really?

The people here. Not just the locals, but the countless Americans who have all felt God leading them from their homes to this little nothing town in the middle of nowhere.

Their stories are incredible. Each person has a story that basically made me cry and say, wow, God is really really cool. And also, just to wonder what he's doing. What he has planned. And really excited to see how he moves here. 

Some of them think they will be a part of the "Underground Railroad" of people fleeing the states. I guess that's important.

I mean, even my story of how God led me here is incredible and unbelievable.

Maybe, maybe I'm not really broken. Maybe I am whole and filled, and my perception of brokenness is messed up.

What is broken? What is pain? What is life?

But I can't deny this pain, so physically deep I don't know how I keep breathing. If it's me holding on to the past, then why? I've mentally let go. I've spiritually let go. So if that is why, there's gotta be more to it...

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Before I came on this trip, I knew a few things that are going to happen/ not happen on this trip.

1) I'm going to meet someone who is going to challenge me intensely. Maybe morally, spiritually...this is a big feeling.

2) I'm not going to get raped or have my stuff stolen. Comforting to know. And yes, I do know.

3) I'm going to experience some bit of healing, not matter how small. And I know it won't be complete, but it might be an important stepping stone.

4) I am going to be convinced of what I believe, or don't. I'm going to grow a lot. And it might not be easy.

So, maybe it's not earth shattering. At least not yet. I'll tell you in a few months. For now I have to figure out why everything in me is so empty. Sitting here, having no desire at all to be around people. No desire to do anything, to climb mountains, swim, go on buses, experience new cultures...

That is so unlike me. 

The other thing that scares me, is how much I don't care. I want to cut, and I want to not exist. I don't care anymore about changing the world. Changing people. The last few days, I haven't cared about anything.

Earlier today...I wrote, "Can I just quit now? Quit traveling, quit learning Spanish (I don't understand anything anyway,) quit loving, quit chasing my dreams..."

All for what? Meaningless, meaningless. 

Funny, I read Ecclesiastes this morning and King Solomon agrees.

Anyway, I want to stop feeling this deep pain. I am so sick of it never ending, no matter what I do. I want to be happy, to love life, to love people. But I can't. It's too deep and Jesus isn't just taking it away and I don't know how to on my own.

Maybe I'm just dramatic. Ha.

Night of feeling...

Existence is such a fucking joke. Happiness is a fantasy. Pain...pain...never ending pain, missing people...victims of circumstance and other peoples' choices.

God...god, where are you?

Is this love? I can not deny but I can not understand.

Hate...I hate it. Me, you, breathing.

We're all alone, feeling the same emptiness, sobbing the same tears, wanting the same thing, but following an unknown law from a beautifully known God and running in place from confusion.

Seeking truth but denying its place to live in pleasures we see; then colliding with the painful consequences, but it's all pain: withstanding, living sry apart - pain, loneliness...or pain from blending in: falling, walking away in search of something better.

We can not win.

Not in this life.

Pain wins.

Confusion wins.

Tears win.

Loneliness and hate and all things bad splattered with bloody drops of good, yet we hold on to the unseen hoping for what they say is false hope but we know it's not deep down in our souls...

Though everything we see says hope is a lie.

Pain...deep pain...I will never breathe again.

The beautiful air of innocence I once knew has been stolen away and I will never again "just be."

I don't know who i am; what is this life? What am I? Is this even real?

Someday, I will wake up from this nightmare and realize that I don't exist. 

Nothing exists.

Nothing ever changes.

Once upon a time, nothing existed...

AND IT WAS A FUCKING PERFECT WORLD.

"Demons that I try to hide imprison me in my own mind, and all that I can do, is cover up the proof."

Breathe in, breathe out.

I'm alive, I'm alive.

I have hope, I have hope...faith. Purpose. Destiny. Vision.

I will go, I will do, I will inspire change.

But I can't breathe, and all I feel is pain, all I see is hate blocking my view of the beautiful for what I want is not what God commands but he knows best; his rules reign.

We're all broken, but some are just bent and searching and they find themselves in different ways.

I am lost...lost...but found in You.

I don't belong here; I hate this place.

It's beautiful, peaceful, but dreadful and dark.

Acceptance...accept. The concept is foreign, I may never know.

So I block it out; the things that I can't change. 

Right, wrong...you believe this, I believe that. 

There's only one truth.

Search, search and find. I found it; I'm lost. You don't care; you're found.

Lies. Encircle my mind; rip at my skin. The words entangle me and pull in every direction, what do I know? What do I believe?

And if I really believe truth....

Why is there still pain?

"Save me from loosing myself. Can't you see who I am? Underneath these scars, I'm afraid to fall, so I'm holding on to you...I won't let go; I'm hanging on by a thread."

Goodnight, world. Tomorrow is another beautiful day to fill with pain and broken memories. Goodnight.

Love of a Personal God

Today was a good day.

It has been awhile since I had a genuinely good day, and my heart is full. I can pinpoint a lot of reasons that today was so beautiful - I got up early, had help milking cows, it was sunny, I galloped my horses bareback, took a little road trip with my mom and sister, and spent time with an ever cherished, endlessly encouraging friend.

But really, today was such a good day, because God's grace and love was so evident to me, once again. I feel the need to share. 

I have to say, I am humbled. The Lord has been teaching me so much about his heart, and it gives me butterflies thinking about it...He still speaks, guys. He still speaks to us, and somehow, he has chosen me to be a vessel to pour out Jesus' love to the world.

And he cares about the little things, too. He's been showing me just how much he cares about things I care about, because he cares about me. It's like when you meet a friend, or fall in love, or have a child, and you are interested in what they are interested in, because you love them. God is like that, but his love extends so much further than we can imagine.

I want to share a few examples that have blown my mind in the last few months.

Short Story Number One

Seven months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend, who also happened to be my best friend of 8 or so years. In that process, I said goodbye to all my childhood memories, my whole past, and several other friends who walked by his side, leaving mine. I  suddenly went from a crazy, busy friends-every-day life, to working. Only working. Great for my future travel plans, but awful for my sanity. 

I had done drill team in the past - a team of eight girls riding horses in patterns to music. It's incredible, and I wanted to do it again, but my gut feeling told me my old horse's arthritis wasn't going to allow him to perform again, and getting a new horse didn't sound so great since I want to travel the world, but...I needed something, so...I talked to my neighbor. Went to see her horse, it didn't go so well. Then I looked at craigslist, praying, "God, if you want me to do this, give me a horse." Right away, I found a horse, 30 miles away. Two days later, I went to see him. The owner had been trying to sell him for a year. She had just cut his price in half. She said everyone who had come to see him were either old ladies who wanted to trail ride once a month, or idiots who had no idea what they were doing...she said, "please buy him." I did. Three days later, I brought him home. (Six days from not getting a new horse, to having a new horse...) 

Problem......Jackson was cRaZy, and several weeks in, things were not going well. I cried to God again, "Whyy would you bring me this horse if I can't use him anyway? Am I not supposed to do drill team? Am I supposed to just be still and have no life outside work?" And clear as day God's voice cut through my thoughts -- "Jenna, I wouldn't have given you Jackson if I didn't want you to do drill team."

Oh. Really? Okay. Well, that doesn't make much sense. Because, there are nine riders currently, and, only eight can ride, and....Me having the crazy horse, I'll be the first one to go...but I chose to trust God, because, if we could see a way for something to happen, it wouldn't show his power, would it? I think...God likes to make impossible situations possible when his kids pray and trust him.

Anyway. Fast forward two months. Jackson has improved X100 as far as riding, but still in position 9 to ride. I was getting frustrated, ready to stop wasting gas if I couldn't ride anyway, but then just like that, Jackson started obeying, being a team player, following the rules...shortly after, (having absolutely nothing to do with me) one of the other riders started to consider quitting. And then she quit. And I have a spot. A permanent spot...We rocked our first performance. :)

And God was right, and my doubt was pointless. And that's just...cool. :)

A Not Actually A Story Number 2

God's heart for certain people needing encouragement amazes me. What amazes me even more, is that he is choosing to use me to share his heart and encourage other's. Why me? What even begins to make me worthy to be able to help others in such a way?

I have so many examples, I can't actually list them all. Over the past several months, maybe even longer, the Lord has chosen to ask me to say things to people. He has told me when people are hurting. I will be living my normal daily life, and suddenly someone will come to mind. Sometimes, it is accompanied by a deep sadness. Sometimes, I can feel their hurt. Sometimes, he shows me what they are struggling with, and sometimes, he just gives me a verse or a quote to send someone. A few times, the people who come to mind are people I haven't talked to in months or weeks. Sometimes, it is someone I am close to, and sometimes it is someone who doesn't know the Lord. But the Spirit in me, knows their spirit...and it's never been wrong. If God asks me to share something with someone, to send some encouragement, every time they reply with, "You have no idea how much I needed that."

How am I worthy, Lord? I want to cry at the honor. I want to dance in his grace. He's real, he is alive, and he loves us all so much more than we can know.

Not A Story but God Answers Prayer (Number 3)

And this little story, well, this is just awesome. :D

I have always wanted to take TEFL to teach English in another country, but it was on the plans for two or three years from now. As I was praying about where to travel next, I kept feeling a leading to do TEFL this fall. I didn't jump right into it, because I can't go for a year to teach for awhile anyway, I want to stay and work with my horses, and I literally have so little money and have to save up for Africa....but the feeling wouldn't go away, so I said, "God, If you want me to go, I will go, but you have to provide the money and lead me there."

I really felt it was what I needed to do, so even though I didn't feel I had enough money for it, I looked into the program, and found out that because I volunteered with the program before, they were covering my food and housing for the duration of the class - $700!! I registered, signing up for a homestay and paying only the program fee, which I found out is covered by a a special education fund my dad set up. $2400, paid.

A few days later in church, Pastor Travis (from New Hope Fellowship in Onalaska, one of the greatest gatherings of believers I've been to in this country) was talking about the faithfulness of God and what that means. I could write a whole post on this topic but I'll just say; it inspired me to pray bigger.

So, that week, I wanted to book my flight. I figured I could get one for just under $200 to Panama City, Panama, with my airline miles. (Most I found were $500-700). I was going to book one, but I felt that God was asking me to wait. So, I waited a few days, and in that time I decided to ask for a flight for under $100 (because I don't currently have enough faith to ask for a free one yet... :/) when I felt peace about booking a flight, I got it for $56. I got a flight for Fifty. Six. Dollars. To Panama. I think I happy danced for quite awhile after booking that flight. 

But that's not it...when I got the confirmation email for my flight, there was a coupon - for $50 rebate. I took advantage of it. Which means I paid $6 for the flight. Either I am really lucky, or God is good. I don't believe in cooncidence quite that big...so all glory to God. 

Through this journey, I've been slowly learning a few things...one, is that, well...God is faithful. He's true to his promises. I can pray with faith, pray for the impossible, knowing he will answer because he promised it in his word, and he loves to give us good things. (If we pray according to his will; he isn't just a genie in a bottle here to grant our wishes.)

I've been learning to recognize his voice, and that when his still, small voice cuts through the silence, I can be confident that what he says is true. What he promises, will come to be. I don't always recognize his voice from my own thoughts, but when I am obedient to what he is asking, he has never been wrong, and I am humbled beyond words that he would choose to use me to be an encouragement when people need it, and even his gifts to me; to the point of, if I had booked a flight when I wanted to instead of obeying his will to wait, I would be paying $200 for my flight instead of $6.

And, I've been learning about his love. That he loves so deeply, and he wants to encourage us. Even those who have outright denied him, he still calls them to himself with open arms. His heart is not just for "holy" and "righteous" but for the broken, lost, sinners like me.

Who am I that he would love me? What am I that he should care? That he would look down from his throne to see me out of 7 billion people on this planet, and choose to use me? To love me, to show me his heart, and to bless me with such gifts? ("Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.")

This life doesn't make sense, but through it all, I am confident that God can and will do abundantly more in me, and through me, than I could ever hope or imagine. He rocks my world.

I love this journey. You're always welcome to join. I know you'd love it, too. :)

Responsibilities and a Faithful God

Hello, beautiful people.
Thank you for loving me. For following my heart journey, and especially to all of you who have gone deeper with me, speaking truth into my life when I don't want to hear it, and helping me through this bit of hell I've been crawling through the last few months. You all are the biggest blessings in my life, continuously showing me God's heart and unending love through it all.

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This is a great song. Listen, as you read? :)

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"If God only gives us what we can handle, he must think that I'm a bad ass."

Today, that is exactly what I'm thinking.

Dude. God thinks I'm BA! Cool!

Just kidding. I am so overwhelmed. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Existence confuses me. 

I'm living in what I'm sure is a big huge misunderstanding that is just hurting everyone because no one knows what to do, so we do nothing.

My room just flooded; I think it's time to get rid of all my stuff since it's soaked anyway. Good excuse to become a minimalist and travel the world. 

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Luke 12:35-48 -- From these verses, I had a realization.  On this earth, everyone has been entrusted to care for something; to everyone, the Lord has given gifts and talents, asking his servants to care for his earth until He returns, each person to the best of their abilities. To some people, God gave land. To some, cattle. To others, a large family, a business, students, etc etc. We are all to live a life honoring the Lord, investing in what He has given, making it grow and thrive until He returns. 

The verses summarize that some people will diligently work as if serving the Lord and not men, and when the Lord returns, he will find these faithful servants doing what he asked, and all will be well. But to the unfaithful, the ones in whom he entrusted things, but because they did not believe, they did not see them as gifts, or they did not expect the Master to come back, they wasted it, using their gifts for personal gain, and to them, punishment will come.

How prevalent is this in our world today? We see such a drastic difference of lives - those working, living honest lives, seeking the Lord, loving people...and we see those squandering all they have, living for themselves, to have sex, have a party, drink alcohol, leaving their God given talents untouched, or used for personal gain. 

But what is personally gained if we will waste away? Only what is done to serve the Lord will last.

And we must be ready. 

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Blessings follow obedience.

This phrase. I heard it once, and it has stuck with me. Why? Because it is true. I can not deny it. Sometimes, I want to, because really, who wants to tell a stranger something they don't understand? Certainly not me - at least, until I realized that was God trying to encourage someone, and I was seen worthy enough to be chosen. 

Who wants to let go of something that's been an important part of their life for a long time? Definitely not me...at least, until I realize that it is hindering me from becoming who I was created to be, and God is removing the obstacles, even though I couldn't see that it was an obstacle.

Every single time I have felt the Lord asking me to move a certain way, no matter how strange it seemed, or how much it took me out of my comfort zone, or away from something I wanted to do, if I did as I knew he was asking, blessings followed. 

I have seen incredible blessings just by being obedient in little things...so why am I so afraid to let go and be obedient in the big things? If God is faithful in little, why do I not trust him to be faithful in big things, that matter so much more to me...and him?

I have decided to be obedient no matter what, big, or small. Because God is faithful, and I know he has my best in mind, protecting me...and protecting you. Seek him. Seek his will. And if you feel like he is asking you to move a certain way, I dare you to do it. Be obedient, and watch how he moves in your life. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Last week, the message at church was so great. I don't think that I've ever heard that message, that reminder...

We are talking about faithfulness as a fruit of the Spirit. The fruits of the Spirit shows who God is - what the characteristics of God are, and therefore, since we are God's children, the more we seek to be like him, the more we show the fruits of the Spirit - they are like "traits" that kids get from their parents, and this is how the world will know us!

Galatians 5:22-23 lists them - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control...and faithfulness. (We become like who we hang out with - why not spend endless time with Jesus to become like him??)

What does it mean to be faithful? 

 adjective
1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.
2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.
4. reliable, trusted, or believed.
5.adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.
6. Obsolete. full of faith; believing.

Well, that's what the dictionary says. I think more or less, the word is the word, but I really think that number 2 is a good one to pull out here.

"True to one's word, promises, vows, etc."

And that is God. He is faithful. He is true to his word, and he follows through on his promises. (He's never failed and he won't start now.)

But what does that mean for us? Dudee. It means we can trust Him. We can believe his promises, and that means, that when he says that He is going to do something, he WILL.

This is why I believe. Because He is faithful to answer my prayers. I've seen it, even with weak faith. But after this realization - that God will give us ANYTHING we ask in Jesus name according to his will...I have power to call on the God of the universe, and He can and will change the world through me.

So I decided to pray with faith, and to ask for the impossible. Because His promises are true. They are true for me, and they are true for you. Pray, friend. Pray. Because the Lord cares, and he is so much nearer than you think.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Be blessed, beautiful friends. Never settle for what this world has to offer. You were made for more. You were made to know God, and knowing God is the most beautiful thing you will ever experience.

xoxoxoxo

Today.

Tonight is June 1st.

Today is day one of Chapter 3 of my life...again. Chapter 2 got unexpectedly extended. Page one was written today, not last month. It's alright though. It was just a typo.

Today I feel like shit from the pit of hell. My "friend" "Timone" will not get off my chest. (His real name is pain, in case you haven't met him. I named him Timone to try to make him more likable. Not working so great.)

Today, I felt so worthless, unloved, and unwanted. Maybe it's all in my head; maybe it's the depression. Or maybe it's true, and I'm just tolerated.

No, it's the depression. I can't breathe. Timone is too fat.

Anyway, today I was thinking. There are three types of people in the world.
1) Those who hurt.
2) Those who heal.
3) Victims.
Those who hurt, make victims. Victims are broken, sad, and lost in life. Those who heal spend their lives loving and doing their best to make the victims better. Those who hurt make everything worse because they believe they are victims, and they have to channel their pain into making other's lives miserable. It's a vicious cycle. That probably doesn't make sense, but it makes sense to me.

Today, I talked to a friend who has been married for two months and had her first kiss on her wedding day. She said it was awesome and the wedding night wasn't awkward at all. No one who has waited says it's awkward -- because they feel so loved. Only people who have had sex think it would be awkward. But I'm sure waiting is how God intended it, and I reallyreallyreally want my next kiss to be on my wedding day. You know why? Because every time I was physical with my boyfriend, sure, it was great at the time and I felt so wanted, but, I didn't feel loved. He knew I wanted to wait, to keep boundaries. Every time our lines were crossed, I felt used, disrespected, and hurt. It's like a pseudo marriage, and then it makes breaking up hell. That's another story. Past is past.

Dah. Fak. Just. How. How do people survive?

Because God is faithful. The end.

Overwhelmed

I am laying in bed at 4 in the morning in a city with millions of people. For some reason my mind keeps replaying the events of yesterday, the people I encountered, the things I saw from the top of the 103rd floor of the tallest building.

And I am completely overwhelmed.

And it hurts.

My mind is trying to wrap itself around the fact that there are so many people in the world - and they all matter. Maybe not to me, or to you, but they matter to their family, to their friends, and to God.

Think of your eyeball. Now think of your body. Now think of your whole family, and everyone you know, and the whole world. Do you realize how small your eyeball is? How insignificant? Your eyeball means nothing to anyone else. Yet, your eyeball is so important to you.

I think that's like people to God. [[I meant in importance. I mean, I guess we can think about it like that. They're all like God's eyeballs. Body parts, really. And they all have a purpose. They can all be used. ]]

This place is huge. This city alone blows my mind, I'm forcing myself not to think beyond.

I am overwhelmed by things I cannot understand or begin to fathom. The sin, the bad - why things are "sin" or "bad". Why it matters who I am when there are 7 billion other people in the world. Why it matters who I am in love with. How God can know and care for each person. 

Right now, I am overwhelmed. I have never felt such a degree of overwhelming burden. I am consumed by the pain and the hardship of this life. The desperation, the brokenness, the need to work. The disease, the death. I am overwhelmed with the fact that every human on this earth is just like me and trying to find purpose and meaning. Trying to be loved. I am overwhelmed with sadness that I can't know them and love them...and that people lose meaning to me because there are so many and I know I can never know them all.

I am overwhelmed with an existence that seems completely pointless in every way.

And yet... I am overwhelmed by an awesome relentless God who gives it all meaning. I am overwhelmed that He loves me. That he hears my prayer. That he answers my prayers and continuously guides me and that things that happen are not coincidence but they are orchestrated by a God who has my best in mind and my future in his hands.

I am overwhelmed with awe of the details of the people. Of the details of the trees. Of birds and mountains and plants that provide food.

I am overwhelmed of his protection. His provision. Of his miracles that I see, but only when I look for them with my whole heart.

I am overwhelmed by his grace. By his strength. That he is the one who is the soul reason I can resist temptation and that I desire to. That His Spirit in me tells me things about people that I would never otherwise know. 

I don't understand. I hate this life, this existence, and I am overwhelmed. I have no choice to live it just like everyone else.

But as much as I am overwhelmed by the bad, I'm overwhelmed with the good.

Overwhelmed with pain and confusion. But overwhelmed by a faith in a loving God and overwhelmed by a trust that He is in control and will make all things beautiful when I surrender all to him,

Overwhelmed.

I have faith that God can and will do abundantly more than I could hope or imagine, in me and through me..but right now I can't do it. I can't do this life.