The Journey Called Life

Random thoughts on a random day from a random mind from a random coffee shop.

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In exactly six days I will be leaving my home and everything familiar to again journey to a far away land. To a place with unfamiliar scenes and sights and people.

This time, everything is different. This time, the feelings in my soul are not the same unreserved excitement as the last several times I have journeyed away. This time, I am scarred...just a little broken.

In the past, I journeyed for adventure. I journeyed to meet new people, so see new places, to explore the forbidden world.

This time, I fear that I am running away.

It is an unexplainable difficulty to live in a world and not be understood. It is an unexplainable difficulty to not understand.

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I am at a loss for words. The things in life have piled up; higher, higher, one thing after another, and the surface of me demands I keep myself together. 

The depth of me demands that I break.

Things are not as they were; things will never be as they were. But my mind has not connected with my heart. My heart clings to the past, to the innocence, to the love, to the fun, to the safety, to the friends. My mind reminds me it is not the same anymore. The old is gone. This is the new, and this will be the future.

My heart refuses to believe it.

This is why I must run away. I must detach my heart; prove that there is life beyond my comfortable world that has become anything but comfortable. It has become painful. 

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I never knew that you could hurt emotionally so much that you can not breathe.

I never knew that you could fight so hard to avoid what is right.

I never knew that what is right could hurt so much.

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Psalm 37:4-7

Psalm 86:11-14

The places of peace and comfort. The words of assurance.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart, Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Teach me your way, Oh lord and I will walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name. I will praise you Oh Lord my God, with all my heart. I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you ave delivered me from the depths of the grave.

I love them. I love the prayer from the depths of the soul. I love the promise. I love trusting the Lord. I love the freedom it brings. I love the truth.

Why do I take it upon myself to worry about the sin? The things that I can not change? Because it hurts me. It hurts those I love. Why does living hurt so much?

I did not ask to live here. I did not ask to be born. I hate that I desire to understand; I hate that understanding is impossible. That letting go and trusting God is the only way to peace and assurance, yet everything in me desires to hold on and take control.

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If not for the answers of prayer; I fear my faith would be dead.

I am weak. My faith is small. I desire to have faith that moves mountains. I desire to change the world, even if the world is only changing one person's world.

Why do people believe we were created to live simple, unadventurous, calm lives? Why do I believe we were not? Why do people think it is okay to live for themselves, every moment, to find pleasure and find what makes them happy? Why do I believe differently? Why do I believe that we were created to serve God, to honor him, to let him use me to change the world?

It is because my eyes have seen. My eyes have seen his life changing power. My eyes have seen his salvation. My eyes have seen the answers to prayer. My body has felt his healing. I can not deny. If everyone has seen what I have seen, would they all feel as I do? 

My eyes have seen pain. My eyes have seen poverty. My soul has cried in desperation and anger and even hatred towards a God that could create such a broken universe. But my soul can not deny that in the midst of everything broken...God is the only source of love and healing. He is the only one that makes sense to me.

Perhaps other's have found other peace, but I have never seen it.

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"One's life is too short to do everything."

No. I disagree. One's life is too short to not do anything.

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I wish I could write blog posts to inspire. I wish I could write things to encourage people. I wish my posts were not just my thoughts; thoughts that come and go and build up and don't mean a thing on a blog that is not really written for anyone to read.

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This is it for random thoughts. 
After writing, nothing has changed. 

I will still be leaving in six days to journey across the world, to meet people I'll never see again and see places I'll only visit once. To attach my heart to people and places and hurt when I leave.  

I always hope that when I write, clarity will come to my mind and that something will make sense a little more than it did before. But it doesn't. The world is still broken, my heart is still broken, yet "every broken heart in the world still beats". Though at times I wish it would not. 

There is still sin, there is still confusion, there is still pain and an uncountable number of thoughts in my mind and questions swirling around.

The only difference is now a few thoughts have been let go and put into words, making me feel lighter, if only for a small time.

It is well, it is well with my soul...

Go grab a kitchen knife and stab yourself through the heart. You'll feel a sharp pain. Then, it will get hard to breathe. Then, everything will go numb.

This is how I feel, every moment, every day. It will not last forever, this I know. It is just a test, a common test of life. What is this life, if not a test. 

I do not want it to be a test. I do not want God to be real, because of course God is the judge to whether or not we passed the test.

I do not want to love God, to live for him, to trust him. I want to hate him. To tell him that his creation is really, really broken. Really messed up. I want to do things my own way. To live my own life. To write my own story. 

He already knows though. And see, I can't do that. I can't not love God. I can't not live for him. I can't not trust him. I can't hate him. Because I know he is real. I know he is there. I know that he loves me deeply and knows my future. I know my favorite verse Psalm 37:4. I know it's true. And I know that the knife through my heart will begin to heal, only as I cling desperately to my Savior.

Often, I wake up in the middle of the night; my heart burns. The emptiness in my stomach is so deep I feel like throwing up. I cry, scream into my pillow, willing life to stop. Willing the pain to go away. I want to cut myself to feel physical pain instead of emotional pain, because surely it would be easier to bear. I want to swallow pills to numb the pain, or to drink alcohol until I can not think. I want to do any earthly thing that will make it temporarily better.

But instead, I get out of bed, kneel on the floor, and I pray. The tears do not quickly stop. The pain does not easily cease. Prayer is not an instant salve for my wounded heart. But like a good talk and a hug from a friend, slowly...slowly, I start to believe that it will be okay.

When I don't feel like being thankful, I thank God. When I don't feel like trusting God, I choose to trust him. When I don't feel like praising him, I sing anyway. After I pray until my knees hurt, I weakly pick up my worn guitar. The color is gone from the neck, and the body has so many nicks it wouldn't be worth much. But it does the job for me. I sit on my bed, and quietly play, forcing out words of praise and thanks among my tears.

I sing, "It is well" although nothing feels well. Nothing feels alright at all, and my song wouldn't sound like much to anything with ears, but to my Jesus, the plea from the deepest, most wounded part of my soul, crying out, "daddy, help me"...it is a beautiful sound.

And without fail, I feel peace. After an hour or two, my heart is calm, just enough to fall back asleep. In the morning, I will wake up, again angry, broken, and just a little less empty.

It hurts because it mattered. But nothing on this earth will make it better. Nothing.

I know because I've tried. I've tried to fill this emptiness. I've tried everything that I need to to know that earthy things can not fill my soul. So I keep coming back to a desperate plea of, "daddy, help me..." an honest cry from a breaking heart - is all that He needs to assure me that everything will be okay.

I can not deny him. I can not deny that God is love. No, I don't understand why life is bad. I don't understand why there is sin, lies, and broken hearts. I don't know why I can't write my own story. But because it is what it is, I will choose to let go. I will choose to follow him to the ends of the earth. And I will choose, consciously, every day, to trust him. That the wounds will heal. That all will be made new. That he has a beautiful plan for me, so much greater than anything I could imagine, and when the story I was writing goes to scribbles, he gently takes the pen and turns the page, to create something beautiful from my mess.

I still feel the sharp pain. I still feel as though I can not breathe. I wish life was not the way it was. I wish I could change things, to choose what I want, to make it work, now. To not have to wait or struggle or try or stretch or grow. I wish it was easy. I wish I could heal my hurt, and everyone else's. 

But under it all, there is a peace that I can not explain. A knowing, that I can trust my pain to a Savior who willingly took my pain on the cross. I can trust my future to a God that holds it all.

Let go, my soul, and trust in him. The waves and wind still know his name. It is well, with my soul. It is well.

These are a few of my favorite things...About my job.

My favorite things about the bookstore. I could write forever, because every day there is something new that I appreciate. I have been so blessed to work here for the last two 1/2 years.

- The old couples, still in love, when an old gentleman buys his elderly wife a new necklace and she kisses him softly and says thank you.

- The cute young couples, who act so differently than the old, yet infatuated with each other nonetheless as they discuss which books to buy.

- And the random people who come in, ask if I need prayer, and pray with me. The ones who, with tears in their eyes ask if they can talk to me about a difficult situation in their life, and ask me to pray with them, and thank me for listening.

- The quiet afternoons alone with only a store full of books, to learn about God and life and Christ-centered relationships. The afternoons where my friends come and visit just to sit with me and be bored with me.

- The worship music playing constantly, and the days when my coworkers and I turn it up loud and dance like crazy because nobody is around. And then someone drives up, we race to quiet the music and our hearts and pretend everything is normal, and die laughing as soon as they leave.

- And the way we coworkers love our loyal customers dearly, but secretly loathe the few people who never come in, then expect us to have everything their heart desires and complain and yell at us when we don't have it in our giant back, and complain about the shelves being empty. The way we coworkers complain about them and secretly talk bad about them, and then have to pretend as if they are our best friends when they walk in the door.

- And then there are the customers that we do love, that come in often, and have become our friends. The ones that we know bits of their life story, and they know bits of ours. The ones whom we feel as though we are loosing as friends as we are loosing our bookstore.

- And of course the overheard conversations -
An elderly couple walked in, the man sat down as the woman shopped. There was a younger woman with them and she said to the man, "I can tell you are really in love," And the reply with a surprised smile, "Oh can you now?"

- A little girl asks "Daddy, can I have a new necklace?" and he replies, "You sure can." She squeals with delight and a "Yippee" and says over and over, "I love it, it's so pretty, isn't it pretty daddy?" "It is pretty, hunny."

-The conversations with vendors, the ones that call every week and drive us crazy, but we entertain with conversation anyway, because we really do enjoy them.

- The home made goodies that my boss brings in, and the deep conversations with my boss, and for that matter, I'm going to miss my boss a lot. She is the coolest 35 year old I know, with the best sense of style. 

- Learning new things every time I work. Learning about books and publishers, retail and music, dealing with people, loving people. Learning new things about God and life, and learning about myself - just how much I am capable of dealing with horrible people, and asking God to love them through me anyway.

- What is considered "work." The fact that I get paid for drawing on windows, hanging up snowflakes, playing with stickers, drawing on paper, reading books, talking to people, and listening to Jesus music.

- The fact that they say I can travel for as long as I want as long as I come back. I have been blessed. 

As the bookstore closes, a chapter in my life is ending. It's terrifying. One of the most comforting things in my life will be no more in just a few short weeks. Thank God for pictures, memories, and lifelong friends.

The Beauty of Forgivness

People don't believe in God's forgiveness. Sure, you know that God is love and God forgives, but somehow the reality falls short before it sets in. Or maybe you just think that you are "too far gone" and God forgives other people, but not you because you're the worst.

One place specifically where I see God's grace and forgiveness being pushed away is regarding sexual immorality. I have met so many people who are struggling with shame and guilt from a past of falling in to the temptation to have sex before marriage. They know it is wrong, they know it is emotionally damaging, but after you fall once, the way has been paved and it is so much easier to fall again. So they get caught up in a cycle of failure and shame and guilt and regret...and even after asking for forgiveness, they still feel the weight of their sins.

Dear friend; You are not alone, and you are not too far gone.

Let me repeat that in case you missed it. You are not alone, and you are not. too. far. gone. 

There are so many verses where God pours out his love and forgiveness to the people of the world, including you and me. Let me share a few (Yes, a few.) There are so many more, but these are a few basic ones with my personal commentary in amazement at the grace of Christ -

John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

Isaiah 43:25 - I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

Daniel 9:9 - The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.

Psalm 103:12 - As far as the east is from the west, so far he has removed our transgressions from us.

Micah 7:18-19 - Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us, you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depth of the sea.

If we confess, he will forgive us and purify us. Blot out our sins. Remember them no more. Push them as far as the east is from the west.Throw them into the deepest part of the ocean. This means they are GONE friends. Your sins are gone, and you are set free from them.  I don't know about you, but I think it is pretty cool how far God went to show us that forgiveness can be ours. Memorize these verses. Write them on your mirror. And whenever you are flooded with thoughts of your past and your failures, remember this.

Acts 3:19 - Repent then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.

I love this one. While God will forgive your sins if you simply confess, if we go one step further, turn to God, seek his ways, times of refreshing will come from the Lord. I have seen this verse come true so many times in my life. I stumble, I fall, I sin. I sit in regret and shame for awhile, and then I get back up, confess my sins, say that I am going to try again...and I rest in God's peace. I thank him for his grace, and I push the past a little further into the past.

Matthew 6:14-15 - If you forgive men their sins, God will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men their sins, God will not forgive you.

If you repent of all unrighteousness, this is included.

Ephesians 1:7 - In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace.

Matthew 26:28 - This is the blood of the covenant which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

This is why Jesus died. His love for you was so great, and he knew that your flesh is weak. He died to set you free. His blood was shed to rid you of your guilt and shame. Let that sink in.

So here is the thing. Forgiveness will not just come to you for nothing. You can't just say, "Shoot, messed up...God please forgive me..." And two minutes later you go do it again and chalk it up to your weakness. Yes, the flesh is weak, but if you truly repent, fall on your knees and tell God you can't do it on your own, you will be forgiven. And if you truly surrender your life to the changing power of Christ, you will be made new.

If anyone is in Christ he is a new creature, the old has gone, the new has come. (2nd Cor 5:17) 

So you can't expect God to forgive you and make you new if you do not repent, if you are harboring sin in your life and trying to justify it, and you can't expect God to forgive you if you do not forgive others. Check out the story in Matthew 18:21- for more on that.

The problem is, even though God forgives us, and maybe every other person involved forgives us...there are still consequences, there are still emotional ties, and there is still you that has to forgive yourself. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life and a consequence to our sin. We can not erase our past, but we can learn from it. So many times people fall once, and say, "It doesn't matter anymore. I messed up, I am too far gone, there is no point in trying." No! Please don't believe the lie.The lies are from Satan, and the only way to combat lies is with truth.  Speak truth, speak life. Speak scripture. Pray. (Mt 26:41 - Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.)

Dave Ramsey spoke the truth, "People don't like change. We are defensive of our mess, even if it is not working." That means it is not going to be easy, and it isn't going to be fun, but this is when you make the decision if you're going to change. You know the problem, you know the results of  the problem, the question is, are you going to do whatever you can to find the solution? If what you've been doing isn't working, are you going to do whatever you can to find something that does work?

One last thing, I found the following and absolutely love it. It doesn't matter how far you've gone, you can be made new and you can have a Christ-centered, beautiful love story. Don't give up on love, and don't give up on God. Embrace his grace, and accept his forgiveness. You are worth it. 

"By the time I caught a vision for the amazing purity and breathtaking beauty that marked a Christ-centered love story, I honestly felt like it was too late for me to ever experience it. Sure, I had technically kept my abstinence commitment, but my purity had been forsaken long ago. I had allowed the treasure of my heart, emotions, and body to be trampled time and time again. I knew I was unworthy of a God-written love story.

But then, in His gentle, tender, patient way, my King began to show me that I could be completely washed clean, restored, and made new. If I was willing to repent and receive His forgiveness, I could be set free from all the baggage of the past, cleansed from all the impurity I had allowed into my life. And I could experience the fullness of a brilliantly pure, God-scripted love story, through the power of His redemption. It seemed almost too good to be true, but it was exactly what He promised.

God-scripted love stories are not just for those who have never compromised. In fact, the very reason that Christ sacrificed everything for us was to offer us the chance to be restored, washed clean, and given hope and a future.

If you feel that you’ve “gone too far" to experience a truly pure and beautiful God-scripted love story, let me assure you that it’s never too late to be restored and made new by His amazing, cleansing blood.

Repentance means turning and walking the other direction. Once you awaken to the fact that you are heading over a cliff, simply stop, turn, ask God’s forgiveness, and then, by His grace, head in the other direction. There is no reason to look back or second-guess your position as His child. You should not expect a second-rate version of romance. Once you have been restored by Him, you are clothed in His righteousness. You are entitled to all the benefits of His amazing Kingdom. Your forgiveness is complete. Your sin is removed as far from you as the east is from the west. It is finished.

We only need to read God’s Word to know for certain that He paid the price for our sin, once and for all. We should never cheapen His amazing sacrifice by wondering whether His work on the cross was truly sufficient. And we should not try to improve ourselves before coming to Him in repentance. We should not focus on our unworthiness – but on His conquering, redeeming, transforming power; His precious blood shed on our behalf.

Once you have been forgiven and set free, you are ready and able to experience His very best for you in the area of romance." (Read more here)