Meh.

You know one of the worst parts? I never wanted to not be with him. I thought we had communicated that well. I thought he knew that. I want to be with him. Hell, I always told everyone else I wanted to marry him. I just didn't want to be so physical right now, outside of marriage, when I have so much life I want to live first. I couldn't be in a relationship that dishonored God, and experiencing something because of lack of self control, before it was meant to be experienced. I fully believe the blessings are slowly taken away when pushed so far outside of marriage. I know it's just as much my fault as his, but I was sure we could make it work...

It just makes it all worse though. I'm almost positive I would still be with him if he had given me a chance to talk to him in person.

And now we just have to believe that everything happens for a reason.

I can't help asking why though. Why, why, why did things happen like they did. Why is communication so hard. Dear Jesus...

Hey people who read this. Really. I didn't think anyone read this thing. But blogger tells me stuff like that, and apparently 5-8 people read every single one of my ranting posts...Haha. That's cool, but really. I never want to know who you are.

Things To Do Before I Die...

random things i am going to do - 43/137 accomplished!

1.  dye my hair a brigh easter color2.  go sky diving3.  go cliff jumping
4.  go bungee jumping
5.  completely toilet paper someone’s house
6.  run away
7.  wash out graffiti
8.  get drunk (never again)
9.  go skinny dipping10. take a couch to the park
11. throw a tomato into a fan
12. cook popcorn with the lid off
13. climb a skinny tree as high as possible14. chase a tornado
15. hop a train
16. slide down stairs on a mattress
17.  join a flash mob
18.  have sex somewhere we’re not s’posed to
19.  swim with dolphins
20. go streaking in the dark
21. ride in a hot air balloon
22. pet an okapi
23. give away $100
24. test drive a cool car that I could never afford
25. visit mardi gras
26. sled on a garbage can lid
27. kiss in the rain
28. kiss a zebra
29. shave my head
30. have someone sign my bald head
31. get lost on a random island
32. learn to drive stick33. be an extra in a movie
34. start something big(ie: singing crowd)
35. release baby sea turtles
36. climb over a security fence (and not get in trouble)37. travel to 25 countries by the time I'm 25
38. do a cartwheel in an airport39. rock climb the highest
40. make friends with a stranger
41. sleep under the stars
42. lose 20 pounds
43. get a job44. do something you’re afraid to
45. find a starfish
46. do a 365 photo project
47. go to Costa Rica
48. ride a motercycle49. hitch hike
50. visit the tetons
51. backpack across latin america
52. get married
53. gallop a horse on the beach54. fill a jar with fireflies
55. learn spanish
56. get dreads
57. hike up a volcano
58. go to the kentucky derby
59. touch every ocean
60. swim beneath a waterfall
61. go to brazil
62. ride a cable car above the sugarloaf mountain
63. go repelling
64.  visit maranhenses national park
65. go on a safari in the serengeti
67. see flamingos at lake nakuru
68. walk the peace bridge
69. scuba dive
70. free climb rock walls
71. hand out pennies for an hour
72. travel with only one small luggage
73. give blood
74. have random people sign my shirt
75. sleep on a beach
76. leave a note on a strangers car
77. put a message in a bottle
78. salar de uyuni in bolivia
79. participate in a silly string fight
80. climb the tianzi mountains in china
81. take a 20 (or 30) hour bus ride
82. take pictures from the top of mount roraima in guyana
83. visit the 7 world wonders
83. give up my seat on a plane
84. teach english in a third world country
85. backpack across asia
86. throw tomatoes at la tomatina in spain
87. edgewalk in Toronto
88. skydive over mt everest (just kidding. it cost $25,000. maybe in the next life)
89. bike across a country (any country)
90. throw powder at a real holi festival
91. full moon festival in thailand
92. do something relatively cool in two hemispheres at once
93. visit ireland on st pattys day
94. go stargazing in south america
95. visit a ghost town at night
96. learn to salsa - decently well
97. go snorkeling on the carribean
98. go through a huge maze made from nature
99. see the northern lights
100. adopt a baby
101. ride in a fighter jet
102. climb up a pyramid
103. get certified in CPR
104. have a family portrait painted
105. party at carnaval
106. hug a koala
107. build a sand castle at sandfest in tx
108. visit burning man
109. write a novel
110. publish a novel
111. fill egg shells with paint and throw them at canvas
112. learn about concentration camps in person
113.  be the reason for someone else's happiness
114. go to the airport and take any random flight
115. visit a kite festival
116. do something I really don't want to because my friend does
117. start a business
118. build/donate/see through the project of providing a poor country with a library
119.  go hunting in africa
120. swim with sharks in africa
121. help at a medical mission
123. give away something I would much rather keep
124. get up in the middle of the night to see a lunar eclipse
125. see a solar eclipse
126. write a thank you letter to a teacher who made a difference
127. get muddy at a festival, party, or mud volcano128. perfect a magic trick
129. pay for someone's groceries
130. hike a glacier
131. do a rejection project
132. sleep in a hammock
133. master a yoga pose
134. write myself a letter to read in 5 years and one to read in 10
135. get a airline credit card and earn a free flight
136. forgive someone that hurt me seemingly beyond forgiveness
137. survive a terrifying/miserable/could-result-in-death situation

Truth

This is probably the truest article I've found describing our relationship. He's ready to settle down, I'm not. As much as I want it to work now, it can't, and won't. Keep breathing, babe...Someday it will be alright.

Falling in Love with the Right Person at the Wrong Time

Absence is to love what the wind is to fire. When it's a small fire? The wind kills it. But when it's a real fire? It intensifies it. So that absence should do that."


Long distance always killed us. I hated that about us. I hated that I couldn't do what I love and travel and still have a good relationship with the person I love. That is why we can't be in a relationship now. And apparently we never will be...Acceptance is such beast.


Healing from Heartbreak

"What you resist, persists. But embracing your struggle is the end of fear."

What you resist, persists. Like pain. Resisting pain, it will never heal. Let's change that last little phrase to "the beginning of healing." Embracing your struggle is the beginning of healing.

Truth. Embracing the pain. This too, shall pass....

At least that's the lie I'm telling myself believing that someday it will become truth. <3

Pray, praise, repeat...

Pray, praise, repeat. Pray, praise, repeat.

The Lord is my Shepard. God is good. God is always, always good. I choose to trust him. I choose not to be angry at Him for creating this existence. After all, this world is beautiful. It's incredible. All He has done for me, all He has blessed me with, it all holds such beauty. God is not responsible for my pain. He is not responsible for the brokenness. I do know though, that He is responsible for the healing when I ask him. He is the one to thank for guiding my soul. He is the one to thank for prompting me to pray in specific ways when friends are hurting; even when I had no idea. When I feel the need to give encouragement, love, or His words to a random soul and it turns out it was exactly what they needed to hear...He is to thank for that. His love for his creation blows me away...But He is not to blame for the choices of humans that have hurt me.

Inside, I hold anger. I do not know how to begin to process something like this. I feel the need to type out every word of frustration and anger; to scream about how it's not fair, they didn't care to understand my point of view, and go on and on about how I've been done wrong...but what is done is done. I will choose to forgive, daily, every moment...I embrace this pain. I embrace this process. (Phew...Lord be my strength. Because right now I just want to curl up and die.)

I don't know where to go from here, for all my plans have been changed. Funny how it happens a little too late. And this is why, God says "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance." James 14:13-16a. And this is why my plans are pointless, and instead I should daily trust His guidance. I've never gone wrong following His footsteps before, but for some reason, true to my nature, I always insist on making my own trail...

So anyway...instead of ranting and complaining (Okay, so I let it out a little bit...but that's the tip of an iceberg.) I want to focus on now. On the future. On where God is going to take me. I want to focus on growing in Him, learning his heart. Phil 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God." 

Funny how I'm learning, day by day, that following God's wisdom is always right. As much as I want to deny His words, I cannot, because every day they prove true. Every day I see more and more than his promises are true, His patience and love shining through the more I seek Him. His love notes in the clouds and his love gifts all around, to you they may be coincidence, to me they are obvious gifts from a loving Father to help heal a broken heart.

So now, in my uncertainty, in my fear, in my pain, I trust him. "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5. Jesus, He's never failed, and He won't start now.

~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There is comfort, there is peace, resting in the arms of my Jesus. I don't know how people do it without him. I understand how they get angry at him (I admit it, I am half the time.) but I don't understand how they deny him and push his love away - then again, I don't understand how people just do that to lifetime friends and family, either. (Ha. Ha. Ha. Not funny.) I can't deny Him. I choose to not be angry AT him, but instead to embrace His promises. His promise for hope and a future, that he has my best in mind - everything for my good and His glory. What a beautiful promise...

But I am still angry. I will be angry, and I will be hurt for a long, long time. I would do anything to go back in time, to do something differently to make a different outcome, but I can't. I am here, I am now, in a puddle of tears, and angry sweat (okay, most of that is from this fricken disease, but...) and I can't change it. I need to accept that I can't change the situation, and I can't change people. I am not responsible for other people's actions. That, for some reason, is so hard to accept...

So, anyway, as a breakup distraction, I, and my best friend (who is a life savor and also going through hell of a breakup) are making a list of happy things to do this summer to prove we can still live without our "best friends" (They will all be happening.) Things that make life beautiful. Good things. Reasons to smile. Things to focus on to get our minds off of my poor, pathetic selves. A long, random list of beautiful. Life is beautiful, kids. Life will always be beautiful if we look hard enough. <3

(A short list of beautiful.)

1. Go rock climbing
2. The sun still shines
3. Camp by a lake
4. And have a moonlit picnic
5. Join a singles club
6. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. (I'm strong enough, thanks.)
7. Happy dancing music
8. Go Latin Dancing
9. Skydiving
10. Make cards and visit elderly
11. Go geocaching! (Unkept promise to me.)
12. Go trapshooting! (Unkept promise to her.)
13. Fill eggs with paint and throw them at big canvas
14. Dress up and go out
15. Pray for forgiveness, healing, and the men we'll marry. 
16. Horses
17. Become fluent in Spanish (Almost there!)
18. Have endless conversations over ice cream and beer on the bluff. <3
19. Sing really loud. Obnoxiously.
20. Chocolate

One day, we will see beauty through the pain. One day, we will see the good in this. Someday, we will forgive, move on, love, accept our lives without them in it...Or pray for healing and that someday we can be friends again, or even better. <3

God is faithful; God is good. He will make beauty from these ashes.

(That boy on the right, he's a healing love gift. The way he entered my life, no one can ever tell me otherwise. That boy on the left...he's the reason I live. <3)

Ok. Officially can't do it. I quit. Dying. By choice....

NOO. You CAN do it and you know it! Cause you're a fricken beast!

......ok, maybe you're rig- nope. Can't do it.

Woman, cut out those lies! You're a conqueror!

......maybe tomorrow. I need more chocolate. -.-

(Never ending mental conversation.)

Beauty through the storm...

It's so warm, yet I can't stop shaking. 

So this is what it feels like...

Tonight is warm, clear, with a breeze. It's so beautiful. It would be one of those nights we just sit, leaning on each other, making comments about random things, and watching the beauty go by. The thought makes the night so painful.

I feel as though I've forgotten how to breathe. 

This isn't what was supposed to happen. This isn't how it was supposed to go. No, no...the script is all wrong, and me, being the director, am freaking out. 

I guess that is why I gave the pen to the author of life. I guess that is why I am choosing to trust that through this pain, beauty will grow. Think about it. It must be awfully painful for the seed to break through the surface of the ground to grow before it becomes a flower. I think I'll look at this part of life as "breaking ground."

The pain in my stomach is worse than the flu and cramps put together. The pit that has settled is heavier than anything I've ever carried.

Alright, Psalm 55:22 - Cast all your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.

Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Such beauty right there. And that, my friends, is why I am still breathing. That is why my heart is still beating. That is why I can be excited for the future, because Proverbs 4:25-27, "Let your eyes look straight ahead;fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

Because our relationship wasn't honoring God, and I couldn't find peace when we had no self control physically. I tried, so hard..."Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3.

Is it not absolutely beautiful how God has words of comfort for every trial in this life? Isn't it beautiful, how when we surrender all we are, we truly find peace in the storm?

But what is this pain in me? Couldn't be ten years of memories thrown away in the blink of an eye.

Breathe, breathe. I've had better days, but many people have had worse.

It will get better. I choose to believe. I choose to trust. I choose to run after my savior with everything I am. He will pen in a perfectly broken story. Until then, I will be content.

Life is such a beautiful, painful journey. Without Christ, I feel it would only be painful. Thank you, Jesus, for all you've done for me.

Processes

This morning, I was laying in bed listening to music when one of my old favorite songs came on my computer. I more or less freaked out, jumped up, and hit my computer to make it stop because it was taking too long to pause. It hurt too much to listen to it. I instantly started crying. 

Every morning when we wake up, we have a choice. We have a choice to be happy today, or sad, hurt, and angry. We can choose to be angry at people, or we can forgive. We have a choice to be angry at God for how unfair life seems, deny his goodness, or we can choose to trust him. Choose to trust that He has our best in mind.

Some days, it's really, really hard to choose the positive. It's hard to think of ten years of memories with people who you believed would always be there for you, and then they suddenly turn their back on you, because of lies they created in their minds. It's hard to think life will be okay after that kind of rejection. That you got them so wrong; totally misjudged their character. That even after ten years, they didn't believe it was worth it to ask you in person for your side of the story. 

And all they said were lies. All the promises had no meaning. Empty words only said to sound good. They were all lies.

It doesn't have to be you against the world.

I am not in control of other's actions. I am only in control of my own. If they want to cut me out; I can not take it personally for the false assumptions in their minds. I can only be a friend if they ever are in need. I can only make up my mind to not do the same to people I care about. I can only choose to forgive; to not be bitter. To pour out my pain to help others in need, and not try to numb it with vain earthly things.To not destroy myself as they do.

It doesn't make it hurt any less. Even believing it will be okay doesn't make it hurt any less. It's all miss-communication; or no communication at all. 

Somethings can not be said over facebook chat. It's hard to accept the fact that I wasn't valued enough for an explanation in person.

Someday, it will be okay. But it's not okay now...nothing is okay now.

I find it ironic that so many people, especially so called "Christians", will do anything to justify a life of drinking, drugs, sleeping around, and constant crude and degrading talk, and yet expect to find a person to marry that is upstanding with standards and morals, that never says anything bad about anyone, doesn't dance drunk, and refuses to have a one night stand.

You attract what you are, kids.