Tonight is June 1st.
Today is day one of Chapter 3 of my life...again. Chapter 2 got unexpectedly extended. Page one was written today, not last month. It's alright though. It was just a typo.
Today I feel like shit from the pit of hell. My "friend" "Timone" will not get off my chest. (His real name is pain, in case you haven't met him. I named him Timone to try to make him more likable. Not working so great.)
Today, I felt so worthless, unloved, and unwanted. Maybe it's all in my head; maybe it's the depression. Or maybe it's true, and I'm just tolerated.
No, it's the depression. I can't breathe. Timone is too fat.
Anyway, today I was thinking. There are three types of people in the world.
1) Those who hurt.
2) Those who heal.
3) Victims.
Those who hurt, make victims. Victims are broken, sad, and lost in life. Those who heal spend their lives loving and doing their best to make the victims better. Those who hurt make everything worse because they believe they are victims, and they have to channel their pain into making other's lives miserable. It's a vicious cycle. That probably doesn't make sense, but it makes sense to me.
Today, I talked to a friend who has been married for two months and had her first kiss on her wedding day. She said it was awesome and the wedding night wasn't awkward at all. No one who has waited says it's awkward -- because they feel so loved. Only people who have had sex think it would be awkward. But I'm sure waiting is how God intended it, and I reallyreallyreally want my next kiss to be on my wedding day. You know why? Because every time I was physical with my boyfriend, sure, it was great at the time and I felt so wanted, but, I didn't feel loved. He knew I wanted to wait, to keep boundaries. Every time our lines were crossed, I felt used, disrespected, and hurt. It's like a pseudo marriage, and then it makes breaking up hell. That's another story. Past is past.
Dah. Fak. Just. How. How do people survive?
Because God is faithful. The end.
