Everywhere I go I meet such amazing people. People who can dance, who do art, who make people feel happy just by being. People who sing, who play instruments, who are good at sports, who are super friendly. People who are free love and give it unconditionally. People have such great gifts, and from a physical, human perspective, I have nothing to offer. I have no talents that benefit people. Yes, I have talents, but not ones that are good for anyone but me.
I realize that this battle we are fighting will never be won. If it is, it will be by God anyway, so why try? The battle in which I am unconvinced in any direction. To save souls. We won't win. Nearly everyone is going to hell. They are all convinced in their own mind, and I am supposed to change minds. But I don't even know if my mind is made up.
Tonight I was talking to someone who has nearly the same view as everyone. It doesn't matter, life hurts, and...we all are raised with rules from a certain God. As we get older, we all kill God in one way or another. We have to to survive. No one believes their parents exactly.
I don't want to believe this anymore, but nothing else makes sense. I want life to have a point. I have to believe it. But maybe it would be more freeing if it didn't. But free also means meaningless. But I believe it is anyway, don't I?
I am so lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who or what I want to be, and everything takes me in another circle.
Slowly, I am letting go and enjoying. I really am. It has been such a beautiful weekend...besides the deep pain that always is, the conviction of staying pure, the fear of sin, the confusion of existence, the frustration at God...
Memories are being made; for what?
I can't save souls. I never have. How can I when I am unconvinced myself?
The thing is, the things I am convinced of. I either believe all or nothing...and knowing what I know, that means it all must be true, but it can't be.
Another circle.
This weekend I have become comfortable. I am in a second home with familiar faces and places and I don't want to leave.
Tomorrow I leave.
Tomorrow I turn another page and begin another chapter that will become just as beautiful as this one and the last.
A chapter with love and loss and happiness and sadness and new people and old people and things not quite how I'd like it and other things more perfect than I could have imagined.
This journey is strange and powerful and exciting and terrible and it sounds like someone is crying in the next room.
What are you, oh life?
Even Soloman in all his wisdom said meaningless.
But I am letting go of fear. Fear of sin and hell.
The Bible, I don't know. Does it matter?
I don't know, I don't know, and I have nothing to offer of what I do know.
Meaningless, meaningless.
Somebody tell me why.
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