Will the real me please stand up.

I woke up and got out of bed to tie the ribbon around my curtains this morning and was again hit with the sickening feeling, "Tomorrow is my last day to do this." Everything I do today, I will be reminded, "This is the last time...tomorrow I leave."

How does time go so fast? Tomorrow I once again leave a place I have come to love and people I have shared countless memories with.

A place that has taught me much about the world and myself and yet...a place that is unrealistically beautiful and adventurous. It took my monotone life and replaced it with the expectation that life contains opportunities that make me high and as soon as I leave I know I will crash from this high that makes me forget.

A place that has slowly taken my pain and not healed it, but simply covered it with a broken lie.

It happens every time, but this time, in the midst of the high caused by destructive decisions I know in my soul this is not who I am and I know in my soul that I've created regret and I know in my soul that the pain is still there, alive and well, and all the pretending in the world won't make it disappear, no matter how far it feels in a moment of living here and now.

Because every day, every night, again and again the sickening feeling of reality surfaces and I fight to push it away..."This happiness is temporary. It's easy to pretend everything is okay while you're here, isn't it Jenna? Well it's going to end, you know that. This drug will wear off and you'll be left with nothing but photos and memories and cheap souvineners...and a whole lot of wondering what the fuck you were doing when you were finding yourself."

That's why it's time to leave. To find myself in the one who created me. In a place far from the world and the things that they seek to satisfy.

This was the plan from the beginning, I know. I needed to let go of everything. Absolutely everything. I have no reason to go home anymore, and just as much desire.

But this life isn't all it promised, either. Really, it is all a lot of empty promises. And in the midst of the sugar coated promises there's a thing they expect to hear; of happiness and adventure and everything wonderful and how I'm living the dream and they wish they had my life because no one knows the broken inside and no one recognizes the broken lie, "I'm fine."

This journey's not over yet, but it's changing shape. Now we will experience phase 3. A completely different phase; the only phase that has ever kept all its promises.