Blah.

Why is it so hot out.

I should be working, but when outside, I can only sit. Any movement causes sweat. And my head hurts. I feel like I need to be making money, but I'm soo unmotivated... I have stuff to do inside, right? Why is my brain not working...

July 23rd. I came alive again. How long have I been numb? Hurting? How long have I ignored the night sky, wishing I could want it, to be with it, to just sit and watch it. But it hurt too much.

And suddenly, we were friends again.

And suddenly, it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.

And suddenly, I want to lay on the road again and just watch the world go by.

I feel like I've opened my eyes again; all the colors are magic and bright again.

I never want this feeling to go away.

I never want to say goodbye to this boy again.

Jesus, please. I can't do life without him. I don't want to...

I sit here on the swing, sweating despite no movement. Watching the world, wondering what is life.

My heart is happy. I think of him and get butterflies. I'm a little scared. Of loosing him again. It's like, when we were apart and I thought of never being with him again. Panic. 

Now it's okay again, but if I think of him not in my life...panic.

For what? I want to serve you Jesus, but I suck at it. I suck at hearing your voice. At desiring you. 

I know all the rules. I know you do miracles and you are good. 

I know it, but I don't know if I really believe it.

All your people are bad, God. Really bad. So much worse than most of the unbelievers.

You know nothing about existence makes ense, right?

I'm a doubter. I'm angry. I question. I still believe. I hate dogs.

Why did you create dogs? They're obnoxious.

My heart can't do it. It can't say no. I have no desire to, except the desire that wants to travel the world. But even that pulls me further from God.

I felt closest to God, when I was close to the boy.

Everything is a mess, but it's not really. It doesn't really matter. Or does it.

Stop thinking. It's too hot to think.

Stuck.

It's been forever. 

I'm in a coffee shop again, stuck in the corner because all of the good seats are taken. But it's cozy here.

I'm sipping a hot chai latte, listening to chill coffee house music, and searching for motivation to open my Bible.  My Nuevo Testamento is sitting next to me - Spanish. Learn Spanish, learn about Jesus. 

It's raining. I was going to sleep in this morning, but a Thunderstorm woke me up. Who wants to sleep in anyway. It's too beautiful in the morning to spend it with your eyes closed.

Christina Grimme was killed Friday. This world is so cruel. So, so cruel. I've spent the last few days with such a heavy heart. It was heavy before, but that just added to it. So much beauty, love, talent, taken by one crazy man. What is life. What is this world.

And of course. Death makes me think so deeply. About life, it's meaning, and how fleeting it is. 

Life is too short to not be with people you love. Life is too short to not be adults, to forgive, to work through it. What really matters? Does shit of the past matter? It does, but why? When we could die today, why does it matter? 

Forgive. Move on. Be with those you love. Life is too short to live it in pain, missing people.

...but here I am. Living in pain, and missing people. Questioning God and questioning everything I know and everything I have ever known.

There is even a cloud over my thoughts of, "but life is still good." Is it? Is it really?

I've been struggling with who I am. Struggling with the high probability that I am never going to do anything good for anyone. Never going to change the world.

Here I am, God, use me.

But I've been praying that forever. And I'm still here, doing nothing for anyone but myself.  It kills me. Is it lack of idea? Complacency? Why is God not using me? And if He somehow is, why can't I see it?

Christina was just a girl. 22. Just a little younger than I am. Her life is done now. She's with Jesus, and I'm still breathing. She impacted a lot of people. So many. Her humility, her love for Christ, her joy and laughter.

What do I do? Milk cows? Ride horses? Drink every so often and dance and travel the world? But why? My insecurities and my doubts get in the way.  I trust Jesus with my whole heart, but I can't really believe him fully, because if I did, wouldn't I be telling everyone, warning them about hell? But I can't. I can't do it. Because I can't understand it, and even though I believe it, I can't accept it.

My chai latte is almost gone. I hate when my chai latte is almost gone...

When I was younger, I was so sure I was going to change the world. Even some of my friends seem to be going and doing and getting opportunities to do things great for the Lord.

I travel the world, and I'm still doing nothing for anyone. It's such a pitiful, selfish feeling, and I hate it. What am I doing wrong...? 

Deseable, Acoustico

It's amazing, worshiping Jesus looks the same in every language. It's such a beautiful thing, something that you can't even imagine unless you're blessed with the opportunity.

And right now, my heart longs for that so much. I'm so deeply missing my beloved friends in Panama and Costa Rica, I miss worshiping with them, so purely, without the lies that somehow have become the norm in the United States.

I'm missing on fire. I'm tired of lukewarm Christianity...

Oh America, how I love you, but how you hurt my heart. 

So split....Oh dear Jesus, hold this tender heart of mine.

Heart Talk

It's strange to go on dates with unknown boys when my heart is still so in love with one.

I have no desire to meet new guys; my heart is stuck on one, and without that one, I am content in my singleness.

But a part of me feels like maybe, just maybe at some point, one of these strangers will take the pain away. Maybe they'll make me forget the love, forget the hurt. They are a distraction, nothing more. A distraction that almost seems to make the pain worse, reminding me that as great as they may be, they are not him.

But I can not have him. My heart and mind fight within me - 

"I don't want to do life without him, I can't..." (Heart cries a river)

"You have to, girl, you know the rules...you know it'll be better this way, somehow..." 

"I'm never going to love someone like that again, or be loved like that...love like that doesn't just...happen..."

"Peobably true, but too bad. Too stinking bad, dear heart, it is what it is, and he is not yours, and until Jesus tells him yes and leads him to you again, you won't be his..." 

*heart dies*

It's such a beautiful story that seems slightly dark and twisted. Mutual love with a chasm between. But there is peace in knowing God keeps his promises. God is faithful, and all of life is for our good and his glory...even if we don't see it right now. He's never failed. He's never broken his promise to me, or to anyone. 

Time changes things; in two years everything will be different. Maybe, just maybe the undying hope has reason.

Broken Joy

It's late.

I should be sleeping. But I have so much on my heart. Such a mix of peace and pain, crying and rejoicing.

"Joy" is playing on my ipod - "You're the joy, joy, joy, light in my soul, joy ,joy, joy, making me whole, though i'm broken, I am running into your arms of love." Knowing Jesus is joy. The greatest joy in this life. The only thing that satisfies and completely fills us. The only thing that makes me want to live. I can't wait to see what amazing things he has set before me, because he continuously proves faithful.

"The pain will not define us, joy will reignite us. Dark is just a canvas, for your grace and brightness." So much truth in those lyrics. And I'm blown away by how much I have experienced it in the last six months.

My heart hurts, man, it hurts a lot. But it's not a broken hurt anymore...it's just a missing the past hurt. A, "I wish everyone could experience this joy but they choose to stay in their flesh and brokenness" hurt...but I am not broken anymore. It's strange, not being broken after being content in my brokenness for so long. My heart is still bleeding, but my soul no longer has to struggle to breathe.

Before I left for my trip, God promised to heal me, maybe not 100%, but 90%...I could never have imagined how beautiful healing feels.

After barely breathing through the most painful, broken year of my life, the Lord healed my brokenness, completely, because I was obedient to him. 

I never thought I wouldn't be broken anymore. I never thought I wouldn't have my addiction. I never thought I'd be content in life, or look at life and feel like there is beauty even in the brokenness, and that maybe even the brokenness has a purpose. He seems to be making even the hurt a little bit beautiful.

Maybe God does make beautiful things out of the brokenness, after all.

There's a difference between living in brokenness and enduring the pain of this life that's a result of our choices. I believe God wants to heal our brokenness. I believe that life breaks us, and if we're trying to fix it on our own, it doesn't work. But when we walk in Truth, walk in the light of the Creator, he...fills us, heals us, satisfies us.

Because we were made to know him and be loved by him.

I never experienced this until I was at the lowest I could possibly be. Wondering if I had reason to live, and not wanting to live without the people who were most important to me. I was beyond broken. I had nothing left to do besides 1) Kill myself. 2) Self-medicate with self injury/alcohol/food/etc. 3) Cling to Jesus.

I'm not selfish enough for option one. Option two. Yes, there was some of that. And it left me feeling even more empty and angry. But then...I said, "Jesus, help me."

An honest cry from a broken heart.

I feel like within the last three months, I have only started to become who I really am. Who I was created to be. I feel like I have suddenly gotten wings and want to take off and run and jump off the cliff and tell everyone about this beautiful thing I have experienced. I feel...new.

But they don't listen. Why, oh why don't they listen? Because God doesn't act like their genie-in-a-bottle? Because Christians (Namely, me.) have made awful mistakes that hurt them? Because it doesn't make sense? But really, what does make sense in this life? Tell me one thing, please.

Funny, the writers of the Bible felt the same way I do...

"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.'"

It's been five months. Five months of beautiful healing, of seeking Jesus, of feeling new. Five months of peace and joy, of seeing light in the midst of the darkness. Five months might not seem like a long time, but after years and years of depression and darkness, five months is a beautiful glimpse of eternity.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, that I can experience your beauty. Thank you, that you are near to all who seek you.

Marriage.

This, this, and this.

(click above. watch the video. be encouraged.)

Solace

Sometimes I get sad, you know?

It's not so much a painful sad anymore though. It's more of a happy sad. A beautiful, scarred sad, that just shows up every so often. On days like today, when the first spring sun pops out, and I relive our excitement at the first chance to have a bonfire and gallivant down the road at night, diving in the ditches to hide from cars.

Remembering everything that used to be, everything that was. Everything that fizzled out into nothing but nostalgia and reminiscence. 

If I could go back, I would relive those days. Every single one, twice. If I could have my way, nothing would have changed from those days we all climbed up in our old barn, swinging from the big ropes, climbing on the beams, jumping in the chopped up bedding. When we played hide and seek and ran around giving each other piggy back rides and hunting for zombies.

The days when we just laughed and joked about kissing and made fun of each other at the possibility, even though in those days we knew it wouldn't "ever" happen.

Sometimes I get sad, and I miss those days.

But I guess we all grow up, and our innocence is shattered. Our lives of youth are broken and buried and replaced with a quiet responsibility and acceptance of the consequences of our actions.

But life is so beautiful, with or without a group of us, and I've learned that this quiet acceptance can also be seen with a simple contentment. 

And I've learned that I have more reason to enjoy the little things, to appreciate the things that usually go unnoticed. And to appreciate the people, no matter how temporarily they may be in your life, because just maybe, nothing lasts forever.

Not even the ones who you swore would be.

But maybe it's okay. To live and love in this moment with everything you have, because in the next moment, there may be nothing familiar. But this moment deserves your attention. This moment deserves your love. 

The past, sure, it's a beautiful sadness, and it's okay to remember. It's okay to be sad sometimes.

But if Love allows, tomorrow I will wake up and see the sun. I will hear the birds. I will embrace people I love, and maybe meet new people to love. And life will be beautiful forever.

"As long as you remember, chile', ain't nothing really gone."

Xoxo

You're a good, good father.

"Maybe, maybe I'm not really broken. Maybe I am whole and filled, and my perception of brokenness is messed up."

A few months ago, I wrote a blog with this comment. I didn't realize at the time just how true that thought was.

I am not broken. And if I was, I am not anymore. I am whole, and whole-ly loved. But I am living in a corrupt, broken world that likes to find every reason not to follow Jesus and be made new in Him. A world that likes to tear us down to do the same.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.

Today was a rough day. Today was a day of fear. Fear of the future, and fear of everything that is. 

Existence.

The word that plagues me more than any other word.

Lord, let me rest in you.

Just a few months ago, I was resting, truly resting, in the arms of the Lord, and for one month, it was the most beautiful, peaceful, perfect month I have experienced in so, so long. A month that sent me into a beautiful place of healing and blessed assurance.

I miss the community. I miss being surrounded by people who are so in love with our creator. I miss gathering for worship, and singing, and being surrounded by those singing in pure love and confidence that God is who he says He is.

Open my heart Lord, to know you, every day, to seek your beautiful ways. 

There is nothing more beautiful than knowing the Lord. Than loving him. Than being loved by him.

Someday, we will be made new. But before then, we have work to do. And I'm a terrible worker. Because I am afraid. I am afraid to acknowledge the truth. I'd rather walk in the beautiful deception, denying that anything is wrong.

But something is terribly wrong, and in the back of my mind, it's always there.

The end is near. For real this time.

Perfect love cast out fear; there's no need to be afraid; that fear is ruined. 

There are two ways to live life.

1) Pretend everything is fine. For as long as possible. Then be caught in the painful whirlwind.

2) Prepare. Acknowledge what God has said is going to happen for years is starting to be. Things that now even secular geniuses can not deny. Birth pains. Seek him now, for he has promised protection. He promises to be found by us when we seek with all our hearts. And I know it's true. I've experienced it over, and over, and over in such beautiful, undeniable ways.

There are two ways to look at this.

1) God is sick and twisted. We can question why he can't just let us live a normal, forever life, untouched by his care. Why can't we be among those uninformed. Those that choose to ignore. Why was I chosen to know? I'm not anyone special. I'm not going to save the world. Why did he create it this way anyway? We can imagine him looking down like a pitiful puppy, so sad at the sin, that the world has diverted from his perfect plan, like he is helpless to do anything. Or...

2) We can believe his promises. He is good. God is faithful. God is beautiful. God has a beautiful plan, and he has warned us from the beginning to turn from our sinful ways. To turn from a life of momentary pleasure for our good and his glory. He told us exactly what will happen. It is happening. God is powerful. And he wants the best for us. He has the power to make it be, but daily, again and again, it's my choice.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I can choose to walk away...but I won't, because I can't. I cannot deny. I can't deny the beauty I've seen, I've felt, I've experienced. I can't deny that he is good, and he is all that I want. Above all else.

Psalm 34:8-9
Taste and see that the Lord is Good
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord; you his Saints

For those who fear him lack nothing.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.

Im a horrible human being.

At least I was. 

I'm done being horrible. I'm going to think before I act, from now on. And I'm going to pass on any opportunities that promise temporary fun in exchange for lasting peace that comes from doing right  as well as the knowledge that I'm not responsible for cutting open someone's soul.

2015 was not my year. By my selfish, selfish choices.

I would give almost anything to redo it. To start over. I learned so much. I changed for the better. But I can't convince myself that it was worth it. That the pain was worth it. The pain that I caused.

I cried more tears in 2015 than I bet the rest of my life combined. No joke.

And I would make a safe bet that I cried on more days. 

And much of those tears were because of me. Because of my choices. Because I was stupid. And because I hurt others.

That stops now. No, it already stopped. The thing is, the consequences haven't. 

They're going to go on for a long, long time.

Lord, forgive me. 

And if you were one that was harmed at my knife...

Please, please forgive me. That wasn't me. It isn't me. And from now until forever I am going to prove it. 

I can't undo actions. I can't take back words. I can't stitch your heart back together. I can't ask you to remember the good memories and forget the bad. I can't convince you I'm worth keeping around, and honestly, if I were you, I would have been gone a long time ago.

You are all such beautiful people. All you people in my life. The people that stay around.

It's going to get better, I promise. 

Xoxox

The Real

This is where the real blog post is. 

This is where I don't have to (much of a) filter. 

This is where you go if you want to know my heart and soul, not just the surface and physical.

This is where I share what I've learned. What God has shown me. What I've experienced and how I reacted, and not just what people expect to read about my travels. This is the raw that half of my blog readers don't want to read. 

So thank you, to those of you who proceed past my travel facts. You are loved more than Costa Rica. (And that's a lot.:))

This trip, this three month journey to one of my favorite places on earth, changed me...again. But in such a painful, beautiful way. A way that I never want to undo.

I learned more than I thought possible.

I experienced more emotions than I thought existed.

I never want to have to relearn it.

And this is where it all comes out.

Remember a few months ago when I posted about how cool God was to answer prayer and give me a free flight and I just felt so led to go get certified to teach English NOW instead of in a year or two? (If you missed it, you can read it here.) Before I left I was asking God to prepare my heart and to show me what I needed to know, and I felt like he was saying a few things.

1) I wouldn't get my stuff stolen. I didn't.

2) I wouldn't get raped. I didn't. Thank God.

3) I would meet people to greatly challenge me.

4) I would be 100% convinced of what I do or don't believe when I got home. One way or another.

5) I would experience great healing. Not 100%, but maybe 90%.

And everything I felt like He was saying before I left home, turned out to be true. I can't say that this trip was easy. I regret a lot of things that happened. I'm sad about a lot that happened. The people that challenged me, even though they didn't realize it, a lot of them defeated me. I had moments of feeling like a good-for-nothing failure. I messed up more than ever before in my life. I hurt people. I cried seven billion tears and gained 15 pounds...

But, I also experienced an abundance of grace and forgiveness, and I feel as though I've come so much closer to who I was created to be because of everything.

I feel as though this trip had two completely opposite parts. 

Part one.

Every moment was packed with something. An adventure, a class, a beer, a shot, a dance. It was also filled with anger and intense feelings of failure.

I spent my second month in Costa Rica in a little town near the beach. I went to class every day, and weekends were spent with my classmates on the beach or hiking through the forest. It was paradise. Nothing to worry about, and lots of relaxation whenever we weren't doing homework or teaching classes.

And on weekends, we were also introduced to the Quepos way of partying. I'd already said that there "ain't no party like a Costa Rican party"...and I was sucked in. The lights, the Latin music, and the salsa dancing beach boys. The cerveza and chiliguaro... 

At first, I tried to stay out of it, but somehow, peer pressure from friends, and fear of what they think if I said no got to me. I joined in. It felt off. I told myself that wasn't me. I don't drink. I don't act like that...yet, it continued.

Building off of my feelings of confusion about God, and hatred for myself and existence, I became grateful for the carefree world and nightlife there. I told myself that there was nothing wrong with a drink or two, and there's nothing wrong with dancing. I also told myself that I wouldn't let things get out of control...just a few drinks with friends and a few dances. The thing is, I was hit by reality. I realized that I am terrible at saying no. I am terrible at feeling like I am missing out. I let people push over me - they get what they want...because I can't say no. 

I realized this the first night. And I felt guilt. I felt weak. I felt like a failure. And I decided that it wouldn't happen again. And it did. But I told myself, I am strong enough, I got this...after the third time, I was angry. I was angry at myself, I was angry at alcohol, I was angry at boys...and I was angry at God. And I hurt. The feelings and emotion of the meaningless relationships swirled around inside me. I knew it was a problem, but I only had two options to solve the problem.

 1) Admit I was wrong. Admit what I was doing was wrong. Admit that I didn't want to do it. And then stop doing it by avoiding compromising situations. 

Or

2) Keep doing it. Convince yourself it's all okay. Have more fun. Cover up the past mistake with a new one (but they're not really mistakes.)

After every night out, I would loosely ask God for help and forgiveness, ignoring the fact that forgiveness and repentance go hand in hand. At this point, bits of verses started popping in my head, like bad company corrupts good character, and flee temptation; don't just fight it.

But I didn't care anymore. And I walked away from truth and wisdom. I walked into the welcoming arms of the world, stealing from people I love.

Every few days, I would call my best friend, crying about how I hate myself, hate what I'd done, hate life. But I still couldn't stop. I wouldn't miss out on the fun...

\

Life doesn't deserve details of that month. But by the end, I was broken and numb and angry, all because I continued pursuing actions that I knew I didn't want to be doing - just for the sake of a night of fun. And afterwards, I didn't want to leave, because I knew that I would have to face reality again. Face people I loved. Face God. I was angry at God...hadn't he wanted me to come here? Why would he want me in a place with so much temptation?

The funny thing about life is that the more you walk in one direction, whether good or bad, the easier it gets. Someone told me once that it's like standing in a grassy field, and grass separates you from the world and from God. You make a choice to walk one direction, and knock the grass down, but it pops back up. It's hard to do. But after several times walking in the same direction, the grass stays down, and you make a well worn trail. So much truth.

Part two.

I entered Panama, determined to find myself. Who I really was...and if God cared. To find out of the God I once knew was real, and if there was anything filling, anything really good in life. I was sick of the worldly me. I hate her. I still hate her. 

Every morning I woke up and sat in a hammock. I would write all of my thoughts. Journal. Write the good, the bad, the ugly. I'd listen to music, process, wonder why life was so ugly. And then I would read. I'd read the Bible, and get captivated by God and who He says he is. And I would pray. And I would listen. And I felt peace. Not just, "I'm sitting in a hammock" peace - I did that all the time in Costa Rica, too...but, "It is well with my soul." peace...

That month, I spent time with people who love God. They rest in his promises. They trust him. They seek him. And they spend their time pouring out his love to others. 

I noticed a difference in these people. Instead of searching for a high in a party, instead of drinking for a buzz, instead of having conversations about how pointless life is and how stupid people are...They really were content, full of peace, and joy. Yeah, dude, they complain, they make mistakes, they get tired and cranky and hurt people. But every morning, they too, would get up, read the Bible, and spend time talking to God. Every night, we'd have friends over, play games, and sit and talk. 

And everything started to change. My friend told me, "Girl, there is so much difference in your life when you walk with God, live for him, do what he asks of us, than when you're living for you. You're so much happier."

I had one big ah-ha moment that changed me. I was sitting in the hammock one morning when I had a realization. My identity is in God and who he created me. The last few months, and maybe years, I always said, "Why am I not truly happy? He must not be real. Everything people who hate him and don't believe in him say must be true. God must be sick and twisted, and not want us to have any fun." Yet, I was having so much fun in Panama, a different kind of fun, and not hurting anyone. In Costa Rica, that was the "fun" I was always trying to have, and it left me feeling even more empty and broken. And I realized, at that moment, that I don't have to continuously try to convince myself that I don't believe that God is who he says he is, just to fit in with everyone else who is empty and broken. It's okay to believe what I believe, to believe what really fills me, without trying to justify it to the world. And it's okay to live as God asks us to live, because walking away obviously didn't do me much good...

So. Great. I realized that. But then... I was lonely. I was sad. And I still hurt. Hadn't God promised healing? Everything else I thought he had said had come true, but...no healing, and in my mind that was the most important... So, I booked a flight home.

For the next 24 hours I felt absolutely zero peace. I canceled my flight. The peace came back. He told me, "Stay until I ask you to move. When you leave, it will be hard, but you'll know it's time to go." Great. Stranded in Panama until God gives me permission...

(Side note. How on earth are there so many words in me? :P)

Anyway. So I stayed there, just living with them, loving with them, experiencing life with those Jesus lovers...Studying the Bible, talking about prophecies, and life and love and happiness... And then, healing happened. Like a healing that I've never experienced before.

I went for a walk with a friend, and we sat on the edge of this huge canyon, just talking for awhile, marveling at the absolute awesome power of God. Many times, I'd run to the canyon, sit, pray, listen to music...Just a few nights before, I had been crying my eyes out about my same old hurt (before the trip...CR not included) saying, "I guess it's never going to get better. I'm never going to heal. I have to live with this pain forever..."

And then...it was gone. It wasn't like, in that moment at the canyon I realized that. But a few days later, I realized it didn't hurt anymore. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. But it's gone and it hasn't come back. And I feel complete. And I feel whole again. I feel like I can move forward now. 

I was afraid to go home, but I knew it was time. I didn't want to go back to the place where the confusion grew. I wanted to stay in my comfort, surrounded by such beautiful community and convinced human beings. But, I'll be back...And maybe, just maybe I can somehow spread that love and healing further. No big surprise, when I booked my flight, even though it rang up as $230, I told God, "I'm not accepting that. Please let it go under $200." It took clicking back and forth about five time, but somehow, by doing absolutely nothing different besides praying, the price dropped to $180. I'm not a believer in coincidence.

I sit here and wonder how the trip was so completely split in half. I wish I could say that the fun in the first half was worth it. I can't say that. I feel sick thinking about some of those days. I have memories I want to erase. I let myself fall to a level that I swore I would never be at. I did things I swore I would never do...yet always wondered about. Pride is a thing. I was so quick to judge, yet now I stand with those I condemned. (Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.) 

Actions have consequences, and I never want to do anything to take me back to that place, mentally, or spiritually.  But the healing has come, and with that, a new determination to live as Christ lived. To love as he loved and walk as he walked. No more living for me, for the moment, especially when my actions create hurt to others...2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: The old has gone, the new has come. 

Lemme live in these lessons.