Solace

Sometimes I get sad, you know?

It's not so much a painful sad anymore though. It's more of a happy sad. A beautiful, scarred sad, that just shows up every so often. On days like today, when the first spring sun pops out, and I relive our excitement at the first chance to have a bonfire and gallivant down the road at night, diving in the ditches to hide from cars.

Remembering everything that used to be, everything that was. Everything that fizzled out into nothing but nostalgia and reminiscence. 

If I could go back, I would relive those days. Every single one, twice. If I could have my way, nothing would have changed from those days we all climbed up in our old barn, swinging from the big ropes, climbing on the beams, jumping in the chopped up bedding. When we played hide and seek and ran around giving each other piggy back rides and hunting for zombies.

The days when we just laughed and joked about kissing and made fun of each other at the possibility, even though in those days we knew it wouldn't "ever" happen.

Sometimes I get sad, and I miss those days.

But I guess we all grow up, and our innocence is shattered. Our lives of youth are broken and buried and replaced with a quiet responsibility and acceptance of the consequences of our actions.

But life is so beautiful, with or without a group of us, and I've learned that this quiet acceptance can also be seen with a simple contentment. 

And I've learned that I have more reason to enjoy the little things, to appreciate the things that usually go unnoticed. And to appreciate the people, no matter how temporarily they may be in your life, because just maybe, nothing lasts forever.

Not even the ones who you swore would be.

But maybe it's okay. To live and love in this moment with everything you have, because in the next moment, there may be nothing familiar. But this moment deserves your attention. This moment deserves your love. 

The past, sure, it's a beautiful sadness, and it's okay to remember. It's okay to be sad sometimes.

But if Love allows, tomorrow I will wake up and see the sun. I will hear the birds. I will embrace people I love, and maybe meet new people to love. And life will be beautiful forever.

"As long as you remember, chile', ain't nothing really gone."

Xoxo

You're a good, good father.

"Maybe, maybe I'm not really broken. Maybe I am whole and filled, and my perception of brokenness is messed up."

A few months ago, I wrote a blog with this comment. I didn't realize at the time just how true that thought was.

I am not broken. And if I was, I am not anymore. I am whole, and whole-ly loved. But I am living in a corrupt, broken world that likes to find every reason not to follow Jesus and be made new in Him. A world that likes to tear us down to do the same.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.

Today was a rough day. Today was a day of fear. Fear of the future, and fear of everything that is. 

Existence.

The word that plagues me more than any other word.

Lord, let me rest in you.

Just a few months ago, I was resting, truly resting, in the arms of the Lord, and for one month, it was the most beautiful, peaceful, perfect month I have experienced in so, so long. A month that sent me into a beautiful place of healing and blessed assurance.

I miss the community. I miss being surrounded by people who are so in love with our creator. I miss gathering for worship, and singing, and being surrounded by those singing in pure love and confidence that God is who he says He is.

Open my heart Lord, to know you, every day, to seek your beautiful ways. 

There is nothing more beautiful than knowing the Lord. Than loving him. Than being loved by him.

Someday, we will be made new. But before then, we have work to do. And I'm a terrible worker. Because I am afraid. I am afraid to acknowledge the truth. I'd rather walk in the beautiful deception, denying that anything is wrong.

But something is terribly wrong, and in the back of my mind, it's always there.

The end is near. For real this time.

Perfect love cast out fear; there's no need to be afraid; that fear is ruined. 

There are two ways to live life.

1) Pretend everything is fine. For as long as possible. Then be caught in the painful whirlwind.

2) Prepare. Acknowledge what God has said is going to happen for years is starting to be. Things that now even secular geniuses can not deny. Birth pains. Seek him now, for he has promised protection. He promises to be found by us when we seek with all our hearts. And I know it's true. I've experienced it over, and over, and over in such beautiful, undeniable ways.

There are two ways to look at this.

1) God is sick and twisted. We can question why he can't just let us live a normal, forever life, untouched by his care. Why can't we be among those uninformed. Those that choose to ignore. Why was I chosen to know? I'm not anyone special. I'm not going to save the world. Why did he create it this way anyway? We can imagine him looking down like a pitiful puppy, so sad at the sin, that the world has diverted from his perfect plan, like he is helpless to do anything. Or...

2) We can believe his promises. He is good. God is faithful. God is beautiful. God has a beautiful plan, and he has warned us from the beginning to turn from our sinful ways. To turn from a life of momentary pleasure for our good and his glory. He told us exactly what will happen. It is happening. God is powerful. And he wants the best for us. He has the power to make it be, but daily, again and again, it's my choice.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I can choose to walk away...but I won't, because I can't. I cannot deny. I can't deny the beauty I've seen, I've felt, I've experienced. I can't deny that he is good, and he is all that I want. Above all else.

Psalm 34:8-9
Taste and see that the Lord is Good
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord; you his Saints

For those who fear him lack nothing.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.