It's late.
I should be sleeping. But I have so much on my heart. Such a mix of peace and pain, crying and rejoicing.
"Joy" is playing on my ipod -
"You're the joy, joy, joy, light in my soul, joy ,joy, joy, making me whole, though i'm broken, I am running into your arms of love." Knowing Jesus is joy. The greatest joy in this life. The only thing that satisfies and completely fills us. The only thing that makes me
want to live. I can't wait to see what amazing things he has set before me, because
he continuously proves faithful.
"The pain will not define us, joy will reignite us. Dark is just a canvas, for your grace and brightness." So much truth in those lyrics. And I'm blown away by how much I have experienced it in the last six months.
My heart hurts, man, it hurts a lot. But it's not a broken hurt anymore...it's just a missing the past hurt. A, "I wish everyone could experience this joy but they choose to stay in their flesh and brokenness" hurt...but I am not broken anymore. It's strange, not being broken after being content in my brokenness for so long. My heart is still bleeding, but my soul no longer has to struggle to breathe.
Before I left for my trip, God promised to heal me, maybe not 100%, but 90%...I could never have imagined how beautiful healing feels.
After barely breathing through the most painful, broken year of my life,
the Lord healed my brokenness, completely, because I was obedient to him.
I never thought I wouldn't be broken anymore. I never thought I wouldn't have my addiction. I never thought I'd be content in life, or look at life and feel like there is beauty even in the brokenness, and that maybe even the brokenness has a purpose. He seems to be making even the hurt a little bit beautiful.
Maybe God does make beautiful things out of the brokenness, after all.
There's a difference between living in brokenness and enduring the pain of this life that's a result of our choices. I believe God wants to heal our brokenness. I believe that life breaks us, and if we're trying to fix it on our own, it doesn't work. But when we walk in Truth, walk in the light of the Creator, he...fills us, heals us, satisfies us.
Because we were made to know him and be loved by him.
I never experienced this until I was at the lowest I could possibly be. Wondering if I had reason to live, and not wanting to live without the people who were most important to me. I was beyond broken. I had nothing left to do besides 1) Kill myself. 2) Self-medicate with self injury/alcohol/food/etc. 3) Cling to Jesus.
I'm not selfish enough for option one. Option two. Yes, there was some of that. And it left me feeling even more empty and angry. But then...I said, "Jesus, help me."
An honest cry from a broken heart.
I feel like within the last three months, I have only started to become who I really am. Who I was created to be. I feel like I have suddenly gotten wings and want to take off and run and jump off the cliff and tell everyone about this beautiful thing I have experienced.
I feel...new.
But they don't listen. Why, oh why don't they listen? Because God doesn't act like their genie-in-a-bottle? Because Christians (Namely, me.) have made awful mistakes that hurt them? Because it doesn't make sense? But really, what does make sense in this life? Tell me one thing, please.
Funny, the writers of the Bible felt the same way I do...
"Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.'"
It's been five months. Five months of beautiful healing, of seeking Jesus, of feeling new. Five months of peace and joy, of seeing light in the midst of the darkness. Five months might not seem like a long time, but after years and years of depression and darkness,
five months is a beautiful glimpse of eternity.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, that I can experience your beauty. Thank you, that you are near to all who seek you.
