It's been forever.
I'm in a coffee shop again, stuck in the corner because all of the good seats are taken. But it's cozy here.
I'm sipping a hot chai latte, listening to chill coffee house music, and searching for motivation to open my Bible. My Nuevo Testamento is sitting next to me - Spanish. Learn Spanish, learn about Jesus.
It's raining. I was going to sleep in this morning, but a Thunderstorm woke me up. Who wants to sleep in anyway. It's too beautiful in the morning to spend it with your eyes closed.
Christina Grimme was killed Friday. This world is so cruel. So, so cruel. I've spent the last few days with such a heavy heart. It was heavy before, but that just added to it. So much beauty, love, talent, taken by one crazy man. What is life. What is this world.
And of course. Death makes me think so deeply. About life, it's meaning, and how fleeting it is.
Life is too short to not be with people you love. Life is too short to not be adults, to forgive, to work through it. What really matters? Does shit of the past matter? It does, but why? When we could die today, why does it matter?
Forgive. Move on. Be with those you love. Life is too short to live it in pain, missing people.
...but here I am. Living in pain, and missing people. Questioning God and questioning everything I know and everything I have ever known.
There is even a cloud over my thoughts of, "but life is still good." Is it? Is it really?
I've been struggling with who I am. Struggling with the high probability that I am never going to do anything good for anyone. Never going to change the world.
Here I am, God, use me.
But I've been praying that forever. And I'm still here, doing nothing for anyone but myself. It kills me. Is it lack of idea? Complacency? Why is God not using me? And if He somehow is, why can't I see it?
Christina was just a girl. 22. Just a little younger than I am. Her life is done now. She's with Jesus, and I'm still breathing. She impacted a lot of people. So many. Her humility, her love for Christ, her joy and laughter.
What do I do? Milk cows? Ride horses? Drink every so often and dance and travel the world? But why? My insecurities and my doubts get in the way. I trust Jesus with my whole heart, but I can't really believe him fully, because if I did, wouldn't I be telling everyone, warning them about hell? But I can't. I can't do it. Because I can't understand it, and even though I believe it, I can't accept it.
My chai latte is almost gone. I hate when my chai latte is almost gone...
When I was younger, I was so sure I was going to change the world. Even some of my friends seem to be going and doing and getting opportunities to do things great for the Lord.
I travel the world, and I'm still doing nothing for anyone. It's such a pitiful, selfish feeling, and I hate it. What am I doing wrong...?
