I should be working, but when outside, I can only sit. Any movement causes sweat. And my head hurts. I feel like I need to be making money, but I'm soo unmotivated... I have stuff to do inside, right? Why is my brain not working...
July 23rd. I came alive again. How long have I been numb? Hurting? How long have I ignored the night sky, wishing I could want it, to be with it, to just sit and watch it. But it hurt too much.
And suddenly, we were friends again.
And suddenly, it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.
And suddenly, I want to lay on the road again and just watch the world go by.
I feel like I've opened my eyes again; all the colors are magic and bright again.
I never want this feeling to go away.
I never want to say goodbye to this boy again.
Jesus, please. I can't do life without him. I don't want to...
I sit here on the swing, sweating despite no movement. Watching the world, wondering what is life.
My heart is happy. I think of him and get butterflies. I'm a little scared. Of loosing him again. It's like, when we were apart and I thought of never being with him again. Panic.
Now it's okay again, but if I think of him not in my life...panic.
For what? I want to serve you Jesus, but I suck at it. I suck at hearing your voice. At desiring you.
I know all the rules. I know you do miracles and you are good.
I know it, but I don't know if I really believe it.
All your people are bad, God. Really bad. So much worse than most of the unbelievers.
You know nothing about existence makes ense, right?
I'm a doubter. I'm angry. I question. I still believe. I hate dogs.
Why did you create dogs? They're obnoxious.
My heart can't do it. It can't say no. I have no desire to, except the desire that wants to travel the world. But even that pulls me further from God.
I felt closest to God, when I was close to the boy.
Everything is a mess, but it's not really. It doesn't really matter. Or does it.
Stop thinking. It's too hot to think.
