I cried today

I cried today.

I haven't cried in forever. Forever. But I cried today. Sobbed. Those good old body shaking ugly sobs that leave you stuffed up and unable to breathe.

I don't feel better.

Today marks 9 days shy of 9 months since this hell started. Nine months. 36 weeks. 252 days.

Of feeling like I might not wake up in the morning. Of pain. Uncontrable shaking. Stiff muscles. No energy. And feeling like I did 50 push ups after just 30 seconds of brushing my teeth.

What is this?

What is this demon? Take it away, Jesus.

I've lost count of the doctors. Er visits. Blood tests. CT Scans. Exrays...

I was okay for awhile. I stayed positive. I mean, it wasn't that big a deal.

It started as a very rare complication of a common complication of a very common bacterial infection.

But after the initial Er visit and tests, the original problem went away... But the complications kept coming. Doctors no longer think it's related, but the rare complication is so unknown and unstudied it's anyone's guess. The last doctor I saw said she's only seen one case in all her years of being a doctor...even the internet isn't helpful.

But I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder if this is actually something serious. Something from traveling or who knows. When your immune system is down you're fair game for evil.

It's so strange. After 24 solid years of healthy life, to want to sleep all day from exhaustion. To think that just a year ago I was climbing volcanos, and now it's exhausting to climb the stairs to my apartment.

And today I was just frustrated. Trying to nail ten nails with a nail gun and having to rest my arms after 3. Willing my body not to hurt because I can't just stop life. I can't stop living and working, that will do nothing but depress me. But the pain came and exhaustion came and I got home and laid on the couch and willed myself to do something, anything...

December 31, 2016. I walked on my favorite beach in Guatemala and I prayed and I asked God, what is one word that will describe the year 2017. He clear as day said "strength." I'm going to need a lot of his strength. At the time I was a little scared. That can't be good. And it hasn't been. Even though the year itself has been pretty darn fantastic, my strength is gone and anger is taking its place.

A friend told me anger doesn't help, but how can you not be angry at something that makes you angry?

There's so much more to say but, goodnight world. It's past my bedtime and late nights usually don't end up well.

I forgot how good it felt.

It came back. I never wanted it to come back.

I need it though, so I am thankful for its presence.

Last time. Its always the last time. But the pain is so so beautiful. Like a old friend that had been gone too long.

But the pain it took away wasn't so welcome.

I forgot but I remembered. Why leaving needs to be forever.

I always forget. I can't forget anymore.

Maybe it will remind me.

Deep Blessings

Im sitting on a bench in Honduras. Gracias, Honduras. The name means thanks, and I am thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be the only tourist in a town in a county that is said to be the most dangerous non-war country, and yet out of everywhere I've been, the people smile the brightest. Every child waves and with a huge smile says, "bye-bye!" They give the warmest welcome, and I feel so FULL. Why can't everyone be so loving? These people give me something to strive for.

In just eight short days, this journey will be over, and I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God and people. The world is full of opportunities, and the Lord has blessed me with one after another. I think He loves to show us his beautiful creation, and he loves to show us his love.

My whole life, I've been so blessed. I was blessed into a loving family that works hard, plays hard, and prays hard. A family that loves to adventure. I was blessed with siblings and friends. I was blessed to be born into a family of teachers and then homeschooled to learn at my own pace instead of forced to conform.

Why was I so lucky? My parents are my biggest fans - they're the reason I travel the world. They are the reason I love and know love. They were the reason I know what I want to do, the reason I love people so much. They are the reason I was a camp counselor so many years, the reason I taught in 4-H, the reason I went out of my comfort zone to give speeches and share my passion, the reason I capture moments through pictures and words, the reason that I choose to show love, to let little things go, to encourage people to follow their dreams like I am priveledged to do.

I am a teacher because I have the ability to shape a life like mine has been shaped. One kind word. One kind gesture changes so much - how much more can I impact students in a school year?

I want people to see the world with the same wonder and excitement that I do. I want them to love to discover and know they are special.

I want to make a difference...I wonder if I've made a difference.

Did teaching in Colombia make a difference? Did those kids in drug rehab grow up to be successful? Do they remember me as fondly as I remember them?

Did playing with the five year old orphans in Costa Rica fill them with love and joy for more than the moment? A friend from Honduras told me once a volunteer from Canada gave him a piggy-back ride when he was a kid and it made him so happy...I think of the millions of piggy back rides I've given and ask God, "Please let that show them they are loved."

Did I make a difference tying kids shoes in Guatemala? Teaching them to count? Writing their name? When I chose the little four-year-old girl as the top horse rider and she grabbed my face in her pudgy little hands and asked, "why me?" Did that impact her like it did me?

I don't know that we can ever know, but we can do our best. I feel so unworthy of this life - so I'm going to make the best of it. I know how people have helped me, loved me, encouraged me. The best I can do is try to do the same.

I can only pray that the Lord uses me to bless others the way I have been blessed.

This is a beautiful life.