The Problem With My Mind

Here's the thing. I'm never happy. 

I am living my life one way - say, for God, but I'm not happy. So I try living for the world, but I'm not happy, so I go back for God. Kind of.

And then I make a decision, and am terribly unhappy with my decision. So I change my mind, and it's okay for awhile, but then I am terribly unhappy and reason that I must have made the wrong decision. But I wasn't happy before either, I just forget that, and I figure that as long as I am unhappy I must be doing something wrong.

Or maybe I am not choosing hard enough to be happy in every situation. Maybe every situation really is okay, I just have to choose to be happy in it and make the best of it. 

So that's where I am going from here. I feel like where I am is more or less okay, but in my mind there is no way that anything can work out in the future. But then, I look at my life now and realize that I am okay, and all of the times in the past where I didn't think it would be okay, well, I'm still okay.

That is why I can't look long term - I can't look at five years down the road, and especially at my entire life, because I get overwhelmed, scared, angry, and start hating my life and everything about it. I need to look at today, tomorrow, this week, this year, but no further. What is the point when I could die tonight? 

My dad always says if things are meant to be they will just happen, and if you feel wrong about something it's probably not right.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really just unhappy because God wants me in a totally different place than I am.

Why doesn't he speak louder? 

Sometimes I just want to give up because God must be sick and just sitting there laughing at us and using us as pawns in a game that is already played out.

But then I hear worship or people discussing God and I just want to live for him and change the world for him.

I want to be everything to everyone and not exist at the same time.

Maahhh.