The Journey Called Life

Random thoughts on a random day from a random mind from a random coffee shop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In exactly six days I will be leaving my home and everything familiar to again journey to a far away land. To a place with unfamiliar scenes and sights and people.

This time, everything is different. This time, the feelings in my soul are not the same unreserved excitement as the last several times I have journeyed away. This time, I am scarred...just a little broken.

In the past, I journeyed for adventure. I journeyed to meet new people, so see new places, to explore the forbidden world.

This time, I fear that I am running away.

It is an unexplainable difficulty to live in a world and not be understood. It is an unexplainable difficulty to not understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am at a loss for words. The things in life have piled up; higher, higher, one thing after another, and the surface of me demands I keep myself together. 

The depth of me demands that I break.

Things are not as they were; things will never be as they were. But my mind has not connected with my heart. My heart clings to the past, to the innocence, to the love, to the fun, to the safety, to the friends. My mind reminds me it is not the same anymore. The old is gone. This is the new, and this will be the future.

My heart refuses to believe it.

This is why I must run away. I must detach my heart; prove that there is life beyond my comfortable world that has become anything but comfortable. It has become painful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I never knew that you could hurt emotionally so much that you can not breathe.

I never knew that you could fight so hard to avoid what is right.

I never knew that what is right could hurt so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psalm 37:4-7

Psalm 86:11-14

The places of peace and comfort. The words of assurance.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart, Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Teach me your way, Oh lord and I will walk in your truth. Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name. I will praise you Oh Lord my God, with all my heart. I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you ave delivered me from the depths of the grave.

I love them. I love the prayer from the depths of the soul. I love the promise. I love trusting the Lord. I love the freedom it brings. I love the truth.

Why do I take it upon myself to worry about the sin? The things that I can not change? Because it hurts me. It hurts those I love. Why does living hurt so much?

I did not ask to live here. I did not ask to be born. I hate that I desire to understand; I hate that understanding is impossible. That letting go and trusting God is the only way to peace and assurance, yet everything in me desires to hold on and take control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If not for the answers of prayer; I fear my faith would be dead.

I am weak. My faith is small. I desire to have faith that moves mountains. I desire to change the world, even if the world is only changing one person's world.

Why do people believe we were created to live simple, unadventurous, calm lives? Why do I believe we were not? Why do people think it is okay to live for themselves, every moment, to find pleasure and find what makes them happy? Why do I believe differently? Why do I believe that we were created to serve God, to honor him, to let him use me to change the world?

It is because my eyes have seen. My eyes have seen his life changing power. My eyes have seen his salvation. My eyes have seen the answers to prayer. My body has felt his healing. I can not deny. If everyone has seen what I have seen, would they all feel as I do? 

My eyes have seen pain. My eyes have seen poverty. My soul has cried in desperation and anger and even hatred towards a God that could create such a broken universe. But my soul can not deny that in the midst of everything broken...God is the only source of love and healing. He is the only one that makes sense to me.

Perhaps other's have found other peace, but I have never seen it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One's life is too short to do everything."

No. I disagree. One's life is too short to not do anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I could write blog posts to inspire. I wish I could write things to encourage people. I wish my posts were not just my thoughts; thoughts that come and go and build up and don't mean a thing on a blog that is not really written for anyone to read.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is it for random thoughts. 
After writing, nothing has changed. 

I will still be leaving in six days to journey across the world, to meet people I'll never see again and see places I'll only visit once. To attach my heart to people and places and hurt when I leave.  

I always hope that when I write, clarity will come to my mind and that something will make sense a little more than it did before. But it doesn't. The world is still broken, my heart is still broken, yet "every broken heart in the world still beats". Though at times I wish it would not. 

There is still sin, there is still confusion, there is still pain and an uncountable number of thoughts in my mind and questions swirling around.

The only difference is now a few thoughts have been let go and put into words, making me feel lighter, if only for a small time.