I cried today

I cried today.

I haven't cried in forever. Forever. But I cried today. Sobbed. Those good old body shaking ugly sobs that leave you stuffed up and unable to breathe.

I don't feel better.

Today marks 9 days shy of 9 months since this hell started. Nine months. 36 weeks. 252 days.

Of feeling like I might not wake up in the morning. Of pain. Uncontrable shaking. Stiff muscles. No energy. And feeling like I did 50 push ups after just 30 seconds of brushing my teeth.

What is this?

What is this demon? Take it away, Jesus.

I've lost count of the doctors. Er visits. Blood tests. CT Scans. Exrays...

I was okay for awhile. I stayed positive. I mean, it wasn't that big a deal.

It started as a very rare complication of a common complication of a very common bacterial infection.

But after the initial Er visit and tests, the original problem went away... But the complications kept coming. Doctors no longer think it's related, but the rare complication is so unknown and unstudied it's anyone's guess. The last doctor I saw said she's only seen one case in all her years of being a doctor...even the internet isn't helpful.

But I'm running out of ideas and starting to wonder if this is actually something serious. Something from traveling or who knows. When your immune system is down you're fair game for evil.

It's so strange. After 24 solid years of healthy life, to want to sleep all day from exhaustion. To think that just a year ago I was climbing volcanos, and now it's exhausting to climb the stairs to my apartment.

And today I was just frustrated. Trying to nail ten nails with a nail gun and having to rest my arms after 3. Willing my body not to hurt because I can't just stop life. I can't stop living and working, that will do nothing but depress me. But the pain came and exhaustion came and I got home and laid on the couch and willed myself to do something, anything...

December 31, 2016. I walked on my favorite beach in Guatemala and I prayed and I asked God, what is one word that will describe the year 2017. He clear as day said "strength." I'm going to need a lot of his strength. At the time I was a little scared. That can't be good. And it hasn't been. Even though the year itself has been pretty darn fantastic, my strength is gone and anger is taking its place.

A friend told me anger doesn't help, but how can you not be angry at something that makes you angry?

There's so much more to say but, goodnight world. It's past my bedtime and late nights usually don't end up well.