Seemingless Journey

When I pray, I feel better. And I put aside the facts and feelings and listen for God. Does God go against facts? He definitely goes against feelings sometimes, but when I give all to him, surrender my thoughts and feelings, sometimes he does things with them that I wouldn't expect.

That's why he is in control. I am choosing to trust him.

Realizations: Most of my thoughts are negative. Not sure how to change it, but I know I need to. I'm pretty sure that would help a lot with the depression. It's funny, because my whole life I've heard "Your thoughts become who you are" but I was always sure I was fine. Humm.

I've thought a lot of things that would never become of me that now have. I'd never do this sin or that sin. I'd never doubt or feel certain ways about a certain things. I had my whole perfect life planned out, and it's not exactly going as I planned.

But something about that is beautiful.

I'm slowly getting over my "God is sick" phase. Trying not to think about it and focus on the facts that I KNOW blessings follow people who obey him. I've seen too many miracles and answers to prayer to not believe there's some love there.

Today while wallowing in depression and hatred for myself for again falling into sin, worrying about how certain things will turn out, afraid to death that things are only going to end in hurt, Romans 8:28 popped into my head: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.

So, I believe it. I am scared to death, worried that I'm just getting into more anger and hurt and depression, but I'm going to hold on to that verse. I'm seeking God, I love him, I want more of him, and it is all going to work out for good in the end, to make me who I need to be...even if I don't understand the process. Even if I don't understand the hurt or confusion or...anything.

Realization: I often pray the negative "DON'T let me do this," or "DON'T let this or that happen." But today another thought came in. "Please, if this is meant to be, let it all fall together; Your will be done." Why is it so rare that I pray that prayer? I don't know, but I felt like God was like, "What if this is where I want you? What if this is where you need to be right now? You're not opening your heart to that possibility. You're assuming that your life isn't going to work out a certain way, but you need to be open to anything I have for you."

Well, run after God with everything you have, and if things don't turn out the way I want them too...I'll get depressed run away and want to die. Or make the choice to trust more?

But anyway....

I have to embrace these few moments of normality because they are so few. Moments when I don't scream profanities at the world and sob uncontrollably, and actually am not thinking about not existing. But the saddest thing about me lately, I've realized, is that the desire to be more, to live more, to be happy, is slowly fading. At one point, I just wanted to be happy, to change the world. Deep down, yes, that is what I want. But the world has slapped my pathetic little heart around so much that I feel like I am giving up and my dreams are not a reality, and it's too much work to try to make them so.

But in this moment, life is beautiful. Life is amazing. Life is good.

I feel like I'm lying through the keyboard. But at least I know I am loved. By God. By my family. By a boy. That I'm technically not allowed to love back. But I'm jumping off a cliff because otherwise I will never know.

Teach me your ways, oh Lord. Save my soul. Save my everything.

That's it. I'm going to bed. I pray that I wake up as content as I am at this moment.

Life is beautiful.