I saw this comment on a friend's blog, and had to laugh a little.
It's so true.
I'm committed to Jesus. I'm committed to following him, loving him, serving him, sharing his love with the world...and running from him. Spitting in his face. Kicking him. Screaming at him. Crying because of things he asks me to do.
I am a rebel. I run from good. I run to bad. I choose things that I know will hurt me, over, and over, and over, and over and over and over.
I was placed on this earth, not by choice. I did not choose to be born, but I can choose how to live.
It is my choice to run to my Savior, or to run away from him. Most days, I choose to run away. Those days are almost always miserable. Then the other days, I run to his open arms, feel his undeniable forgiveness, cry because of what a wretched soul I am...and cry because of the grace he pours out on me.
I will follow Jesus all my days, but he may be dragging me. Most days, I beg Jesus not to let me go. Some days, I scream at him to get out of my life. It's too hard. Following Jesus where so few people go...it's hard. It's painful. It's different. But true to his promise, he never let's me go.
Following Jesus, trusting his promises, it is hard. But it is the only thing that is fulfilling. The only time that I am truly filled is when I empty myself of my desires and fill myself with His. Running to the world, I have never never been filled by living for myself. I can easily force my way into a night of pleasure...but it never leads to a life of joy. I have never felt peace after a night drinking. I have never felt contentment after joking at someone else's expense. At most, I feel nothing. I don't think about it. I push away anything that might become regret.
But have I ever regretted a night studying God's word? Have I ever regretted discussing ways to serve God and serve people? Have I ever regretted a single moment spent in prayer? Have I ever regretted a Sunday in church singing God's praise? Have I ever regretted going out of my way to show God's love to someone, or to pray for them and expect a miracle? No. I can't say that I have.
No, this life I don't understand. I don't understand why God created us. I don't know why he gave us the ability to choose to sin and run from him. I don't know why he doesn't always answer every prayer. I don't know why I still feel empty. I don't understand why there is so much pain and suffering. I don't know why at times God seems sick and twisted and everything is just a disgusting joke and we are just players in a game already decided. I don't know much of anything...
But I know that He is good. I know that He is love. I know that Jesus changes lives. I know that I cannot deny that I am a wretched soul and He is the only one who sets me free and shows me grace, over and over and over.
And I know that he will never let me go, because he promised that he never would. I believe him when he says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Duet 31:6)
I am committed to Jesus, and I will follow him all my days, even if that means that he is holding on to my hand for dear life, dragging me behind. Being dragged through grace by Jesus is 100 times better than willingly walking alone through this dark world.
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