Why do I still hurt?

Why do I still hurt?

I'm in Panama. I've met tons of awesome people. I've been hanging out with friends I was dying to see. We played volleyball and soccer in the pouring rain for hours yesterday, and it was absolutely ridiculously fun.

But I'm still dying inside. Life just hurts so deeply and I don't know why. 

I had one beautiful evening of "life is good". The happy travel feeling I'm used to. But the overall, it's not coming. I feel as though so far this trip has been completely pointless, and part of me wants to go home, but I mostly just don't care because life is pointless everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it here. I've been learning a lot, and seeing absolutely incredible things God has been doing.

There's a comfort being back in such a beautiful, familiar place.

Sheep are baaing and chickens are crowing and farmers are chainsawing skewers in the distance.

And I'm laying in a hammock.

I have the best life ever, everyone is jealous of me, I'm in a culture I love with people I love more.

So why am I still so empty? Why am I still hurting so deeply in my stomach that I want to throw up and just lay in bed all day?

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I have to say, God does always use Panama in incredible ways. I'm not blaming him for the pain, although of course I question everything. I'm only a week in, we have so much time to go, and I know He is working. I've seen it already.

Being here around people who have sold everything to do what He asked, and seeing the blessings and miracles happening on their lives are incredible. 

Even though, most the people leaving are "fleeing" the states because the visions and words from God about how awful the next few years, starting within a year, are going to be. That scares me. I understand that the USA has been blessed and rebelled so God has removed his hand of protection, but it's the place I love, with 99.9% of people on this planet that I love.

I was walking the other day, praying, telling God if he wants me here I'm ready to sell my horses and come, but I really don't feel him asking that right now. I'm going to go home in a few months until he speaks again. But, I was thinking, and thought how hard it would be to leave my home, and his voice cut through, "that's not your home; heaven is your home." Yes, strange comfort, no matter how morbid in the moment.

Anyway...

There is so much faith in this body of believers, so many people are healed, so many lives are changed when God touches these lives...lives that are never the same, in such a beautiful way. It makes it even more impossible to deny Jesus and his promises.

But hell for eternity for everyone else? Really?

I look at all the beauty around me, I see how God has provided, and so many little things that have happened in response to my prayer, things too detailed to have been coincidence, and I feel the presence of God. I know he's here, I know he is leading, and I know what he's saying. I know he is good, I know he is love. Because I've seen it.

But I also don't know why I feel this broken emptiness, even if I feel peace that know that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

Nothing is wrong with anything in my life; but everything is wrong in my heart, soul, interior being...but is it really?

The people here. Not just the locals, but the countless Americans who have all felt God leading them from their homes to this little nothing town in the middle of nowhere.

Their stories are incredible. Each person has a story that basically made me cry and say, wow, God is really really cool. And also, just to wonder what he's doing. What he has planned. And really excited to see how he moves here. 

Some of them think they will be a part of the "Underground Railroad" of people fleeing the states. I guess that's important.

I mean, even my story of how God led me here is incredible and unbelievable.

Maybe, maybe I'm not really broken. Maybe I am whole and filled, and my perception of brokenness is messed up.

What is broken? What is pain? What is life?

But I can't deny this pain, so physically deep I don't know how I keep breathing. If it's me holding on to the past, then why? I've mentally let go. I've spiritually let go. So if that is why, there's gotta be more to it...

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Before I came on this trip, I knew a few things that are going to happen/ not happen on this trip.

1) I'm going to meet someone who is going to challenge me intensely. Maybe morally, spiritually...this is a big feeling.

2) I'm not going to get raped or have my stuff stolen. Comforting to know. And yes, I do know.

3) I'm going to experience some bit of healing, not matter how small. And I know it won't be complete, but it might be an important stepping stone.

4) I am going to be convinced of what I believe, or don't. I'm going to grow a lot. And it might not be easy.

So, maybe it's not earth shattering. At least not yet. I'll tell you in a few months. For now I have to figure out why everything in me is so empty. Sitting here, having no desire at all to be around people. No desire to do anything, to climb mountains, swim, go on buses, experience new cultures...

That is so unlike me. 

The other thing that scares me, is how much I don't care. I want to cut, and I want to not exist. I don't care anymore about changing the world. Changing people. The last few days, I haven't cared about anything.

Earlier today...I wrote, "Can I just quit now? Quit traveling, quit learning Spanish (I don't understand anything anyway,) quit loving, quit chasing my dreams..."

All for what? Meaningless, meaningless. 

Funny, I read Ecclesiastes this morning and King Solomon agrees.

Anyway, I want to stop feeling this deep pain. I am so sick of it never ending, no matter what I do. I want to be happy, to love life, to love people. But I can't. It's too deep and Jesus isn't just taking it away and I don't know how to on my own.

Maybe I'm just dramatic. Ha.