You're a good, good father.

"Maybe, maybe I'm not really broken. Maybe I am whole and filled, and my perception of brokenness is messed up."

A few months ago, I wrote a blog with this comment. I didn't realize at the time just how true that thought was.

I am not broken. And if I was, I am not anymore. I am whole, and whole-ly loved. But I am living in a corrupt, broken world that likes to find every reason not to follow Jesus and be made new in Him. A world that likes to tear us down to do the same.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.

Today was a rough day. Today was a day of fear. Fear of the future, and fear of everything that is. 

Existence.

The word that plagues me more than any other word.

Lord, let me rest in you.

Just a few months ago, I was resting, truly resting, in the arms of the Lord, and for one month, it was the most beautiful, peaceful, perfect month I have experienced in so, so long. A month that sent me into a beautiful place of healing and blessed assurance.

I miss the community. I miss being surrounded by people who are so in love with our creator. I miss gathering for worship, and singing, and being surrounded by those singing in pure love and confidence that God is who he says He is.

Open my heart Lord, to know you, every day, to seek your beautiful ways. 

There is nothing more beautiful than knowing the Lord. Than loving him. Than being loved by him.

Someday, we will be made new. But before then, we have work to do. And I'm a terrible worker. Because I am afraid. I am afraid to acknowledge the truth. I'd rather walk in the beautiful deception, denying that anything is wrong.

But something is terribly wrong, and in the back of my mind, it's always there.

The end is near. For real this time.

Perfect love cast out fear; there's no need to be afraid; that fear is ruined. 

There are two ways to live life.

1) Pretend everything is fine. For as long as possible. Then be caught in the painful whirlwind.

2) Prepare. Acknowledge what God has said is going to happen for years is starting to be. Things that now even secular geniuses can not deny. Birth pains. Seek him now, for he has promised protection. He promises to be found by us when we seek with all our hearts. And I know it's true. I've experienced it over, and over, and over in such beautiful, undeniable ways.

There are two ways to look at this.

1) God is sick and twisted. We can question why he can't just let us live a normal, forever life, untouched by his care. Why can't we be among those uninformed. Those that choose to ignore. Why was I chosen to know? I'm not anyone special. I'm not going to save the world. Why did he create it this way anyway? We can imagine him looking down like a pitiful puppy, so sad at the sin, that the world has diverted from his perfect plan, like he is helpless to do anything. Or...

2) We can believe his promises. He is good. God is faithful. God is beautiful. God has a beautiful plan, and he has warned us from the beginning to turn from our sinful ways. To turn from a life of momentary pleasure for our good and his glory. He told us exactly what will happen. It is happening. God is powerful. And he wants the best for us. He has the power to make it be, but daily, again and again, it's my choice.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I can choose to walk away...but I won't, because I can't. I cannot deny. I can't deny the beauty I've seen, I've felt, I've experienced. I can't deny that he is good, and he is all that I want. Above all else.

Psalm 34:8-9
Taste and see that the Lord is Good
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord; you his Saints

For those who fear him lack nothing.

You're a good, good father, and I'm loved by you.