The Lord is my Shepard. God is good. God is always, always good. I choose to trust him. I choose not to be angry at Him for creating this existence. After all, this world is beautiful. It's incredible. All He has done for me, all He has blessed me with, it all holds such beauty. God is not responsible for my pain. He is not responsible for the brokenness. I do know though, that He is responsible for the healing when I ask him. He is the one to thank for guiding my soul. He is the one to thank for prompting me to pray in specific ways when friends are hurting; even when I had no idea. When I feel the need to give encouragement, love, or His words to a random soul and it turns out it was exactly what they needed to hear...He is to thank for that. His love for his creation blows me away...But He is not to blame for the choices of humans that have hurt me.
Inside, I hold anger. I do not know how to begin to process something like this. I feel the need to type out every word of frustration and anger; to scream about how it's not fair, they didn't care to understand my point of view, and go on and on about how I've been done wrong...but what is done is done. I will choose to forgive, daily, every moment...I embrace this pain. I embrace this process. (Phew...Lord be my strength. Because right now I just want to curl up and die.)
I don't know where to go from here, for all my plans have been changed. Funny how it happens a little too late. And this is why, God says "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance." James 14:13-16a. And this is why my plans are pointless, and instead I should daily trust His guidance. I've never gone wrong following His footsteps before, but for some reason, true to my nature, I always insist on making my own trail...
So anyway...instead of ranting and complaining (Okay, so I let it out a little bit...but that's the tip of an iceberg.) I want to focus on now. On the future. On where God is going to take me. I want to focus on growing in Him, learning his heart. Phil 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God."
Funny how I'm learning, day by day, that following God's wisdom is always right. As much as I want to deny His words, I cannot, because every day they prove true. Every day I see more and more than his promises are true, His patience and love shining through the more I seek Him. His love notes in the clouds and his love gifts all around, to you they may be coincidence, to me they are obvious gifts from a loving Father to help heal a broken heart.
So now, in my uncertainty, in my fear, in my pain, I trust him. "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5. Jesus, He's never failed, and He won't start now.
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There is comfort, there is peace, resting in the arms of my Jesus. I don't know how people do it without him. I understand how they get angry at him (I admit it, I am half the time.) but I don't understand how they deny him and push his love away - then again, I don't understand how people just do that to lifetime friends and family, either. (Ha. Ha. Ha. Not funny.) I can't deny Him. I choose to not be angry AT him, but instead to embrace His promises. His promise for hope and a future, that he has my best in mind - everything for my good and His glory. What a beautiful promise...
But I am still angry. I will be angry, and I will be hurt for a long, long time. I would do anything to go back in time, to do something differently to make a different outcome, but I can't. I am here, I am now, in a puddle of tears, and angry sweat (okay, most of that is from this fricken disease, but...) and I can't change it. I need to accept that I can't change the situation, and I can't change people. I am not responsible for other people's actions. That, for some reason, is so hard to accept...
So, anyway, as a breakup distraction, I, and my best friend (who is a life savor and also going through hell of a breakup) are making a list of happy things to do this summer to prove we can still live without our "best friends" (They will all be happening.) Things that make life beautiful. Good things. Reasons to smile. Things to focus on to get our minds off of my poor, pathetic selves. A long, random list of beautiful. Life is beautiful, kids. Life will always be beautiful if we look hard enough. <3
(A short list of beautiful.)
- Go rock climbing
- The sun still shines
- Camp by a lake
- And have a moonlit picnic
- Join a singles club
- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. (I'm strong enough, thanks.)
- Happy dancing music
- Go Latin Dancing
- Skydiving
- Make cards and visit elderly
- Go geocaching! (Unkept promise to me.)
- Go trapshooting! (Unkept promise to her.)
- Fill eggs with paint and throw them at big canvas
- Dress up and go out
- Pray for forgiveness, healing, and the men we'll marry.
- Horses
- Become fluent in Spanish (Almost there!)
- Have endless conversations over ice cream and beer on the bluff. <3
- Sing really loud. Obnoxiously.
- Chocolate
One day, we will see beauty through the pain. One day, we will see the good in this. Someday, we will forgive, move on, love, accept our lives without them in it...Or pray for healing and that someday we can be friends again, or even better. <3
God is faithful; God is good. He will make beauty from these ashes.
(That boy on the right, he's a healing love gift. The way he entered my life, no one can ever tell me otherwise. That boy on the left...he's the reason I live. <3)
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