Processes

This morning, I was laying in bed listening to music when one of my old favorite songs came on my computer. I more or less freaked out, jumped up, and hit my computer to make it stop because it was taking too long to pause. It hurt too much to listen to it. I instantly started crying. 

Every morning when we wake up, we have a choice. We have a choice to be happy today, or sad, hurt, and angry. We can choose to be angry at people, or we can forgive. We have a choice to be angry at God for how unfair life seems, deny his goodness, or we can choose to trust him. Choose to trust that He has our best in mind.

Some days, it's really, really hard to choose the positive. It's hard to think of ten years of memories with people who you believed would always be there for you, and then they suddenly turn their back on you, because of lies they created in their minds. It's hard to think life will be okay after that kind of rejection. That you got them so wrong; totally misjudged their character. That even after ten years, they didn't believe it was worth it to ask you in person for your side of the story. 

And all they said were lies. All the promises had no meaning. Empty words only said to sound good. They were all lies.

It doesn't have to be you against the world.

I am not in control of other's actions. I am only in control of my own. If they want to cut me out; I can not take it personally for the false assumptions in their minds. I can only be a friend if they ever are in need. I can only make up my mind to not do the same to people I care about. I can only choose to forgive; to not be bitter. To pour out my pain to help others in need, and not try to numb it with vain earthly things.To not destroy myself as they do.

It doesn't make it hurt any less. Even believing it will be okay doesn't make it hurt any less. It's all miss-communication; or no communication at all. 

Somethings can not be said over facebook chat. It's hard to accept the fact that I wasn't valued enough for an explanation in person.

Someday, it will be okay. But it's not okay now...nothing is okay now.