It scares me that people read this.
Then again, humanity shouldn't have anything to hide.

They say the best thing in the world is to be honest. The best way to save trouble. Well here is my honesty. I'm saving nothing but an explosion in my soul.

Once again I am reminded that I am weak.

I am reminded that I can't do this life. I can't be who I want to be. I am who I swore I would never be.

Old friends used to tell me that I let people walk all over me. I used to argue, but now I realize that it is true. I let people walk all over me, I give in to the pressure, and in turn, I also walk all over those who don't. The good, loyal, loving people who have done nothing but good for me, are the ones that suffer at my hands.

I am not who the world believes I am.

I am broken, I am weak, I am lost. I hate who I am, I hate who I've become, I hate what I do. I think I am strong. I think I know what I want and won't let anyone or anything get in the way.

But its fail, fail. Over and over. I fail. I fall. I hurt myself, and I hurt others.

It's never going to end. 

Sometimes I think its starting to get a little better...I think I have finally committed to being me. To being strong, to avoiding what I hate. To loving unconditionally and loving others first...and then its back to square one.

And I hurt. 

And you hurt.

And everyone hurts and it is all my own fault.

I see people who say they are "beautifully content." What does that even mean? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I would be content if I had self control and some kind of a backbone so I could stand up for what I believe in.

This is why I run away. This is why its easier to be friends for five days and never see each other again. This is why deep relationships aren't worth it. Not because people don't love me well...but because I don't know how to love well. Or maybe I do know how, but I can't. I just...can't...

People have told me that the most beautiful thing about me is that I radiate love. I believe I love too deeply for my own good, but I still can't love anyone 100%. Everyone just sees it...they can't touch it.

I'm okay. I'm okay.Life is beautiful. It is. It really is.

I just keep trying to make it ugly.

I'm done kids. I'm running away again. 

Take me far away; to that secret place. Somewhere they can't hurt me. I wanna be moved by mercy. Father, I can't see you. I just know I need you. Take me far away, far away...